Last man standing

Don't rush things. Learn these tricks to prolong your bed time and make your evenings long and satisfying, for you and her

1. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail

You never thought we'd advocate a marathon solo wrist recital but there is nothing like a bit of solo sex to get you well prepared for the real thing. "The key is to control your orgasm and keep yourself at the point of hardness and excitement for at least 15 minutes," says Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Principles of Total-Body Sex.

2. Set the scene

You can magic your Johnson by changing your environment, according to Emily Dubberley, editor of Scarlet, a sex magazine for women. "Men respond primarily to visual stimuli, like a change of location, a porn film or her outfit." But she's more likely to respond to you stimulating her imagination. Buy any book of erotic literature (try anything by Kerri Sharp) to read together and uncage her inner nympho.

3. Massage your figure

It's seconds out for the second round, but your jab has lost its potency. Get her to give you a rub-down with some massage oils. "Relieving tension in your muscles helps decrease anxiety, a factor in secondary erections," says Dubberley.

4. Pop up

Before you search for Viagra, have some shellfish. Oyster powder is zinc-rich, which helps your body produce the hard-on hormone testosterone.

5. Get hands on

"Some men find that holding their testicles down helps them last for longer," says Castleman. Ask your missus to do it. Gently.

6. Get fruity

Reach for the strawberries, peaches and mangoes - they're all rich in boron, "which will help your body turn the calcium in your diet into rampant, Hefner-esque lust", according to Fiona Marshall, author of Natural Aphrodisiacs.

Beer goggles

Researchers gave drinks to heterosexual men and women (some received nonalcoholic placebos), then had them rate faces on a computer screen. No surprise here: the tipsy people tended to find the faces more attractive than the sober ones did. But there’s more. Tipsy men and women also tended to rate people of their own sex as attractive. The effect persists for up to 24 hours in males, but dissipates among females.

Ask her into bed

Questions that lead to intimacy

1. “WHAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF DOING?”

Knowing that you’re curious about her goals and aspirations makes her feel special. And getting her to confide her dreams makes her think of risk, excitement and a little danger. “All these thoughts activate adrenaline and increase sexual desire,” says sex coach Danielle Cavallucci.

2. “WHATARE YOUR RECURRING DREAMS?”

This is a great question to gauge where you are with her, says sex therapist Eric Garrison. Watch her body language when she answers. If she says she always dreams that she’s in a play and doesn’t know her lines, and then crosses her arms, back off a bit. Crossed arms are closed emotional doors. Ask her what she thinks the dream means, as you open up your posture and invite her answer. To keep the conversation more fun than Freud, watch her facial expression. “Eyebrows up conveys non-threatening curiosity – sexy,” says Garrison. “Eyebrows down conveys judgement – scary.”

3. “WHAT’S THE BIGGEST THING YOUR PARENTS DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOU?”

Questions like this are dating gold. “You’re sending the message that you’ll go beyond the obvious when connecting with her,” says psychologist Dr Marianne Brandon. This suggests you might be similarly open sexually, which is hot.

Shellfish lover

One legend regularly trotted out is that Venetian playboy Casanova would eat 50 oysters a day to keep his libido buzzing like the Energizer Bunny. And while we’re not suggesting a similar diet will turn you into an overnight libertine, there’s definitely substance here.

How it works
The link between oysters and sperm-replenishing zinc is well established, but the American Chemical Society reports oysters are also rich in rare amino acids that raise levels of sex hormones. “You can’t just find these in a health-food shop,” explains George Fisher, a professor of chemistry at Barry University in Miami, who led the research. In his study, rats injected with the oyster chemicals recorded higher levels of testosterone in males and progesterone in females. “Increased levels of these hormones means you are going to be more sexually dynamic,” Fisher claims. So by all means splash out if you’re in the mood; just no jokes about pearl necklaces, please.

Role playing

Role playing can lead to the best sex of your life.

THE GUIDELINES
Apparently I’d done pretty well for a rookie. When I talked to Dr Brian Mustanski, a sex researcher at the University of Illinois at Chicago, he offered a few suggestions.

Timing
Raise the idea in context. Play off a movie you’ve watched – say, The Graduate. Wonder aloud what it would be like to sleep with Mrs Robinson. “The best thing is if you get her to see the scenario as her idea,” Haltzman says. Lift a line: “Mrs Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me!” See what happens.

Flattery
Start with “something positive and complimentary, like ‘I think you’re really sexy,’” Mustanski says. “Then say, maybe, ‘I’ve been having this fantasy lately. How would you feel about trying it?’” Never mention boredom!

Pacing
Don’t be in a hurry. “Start off slowly,” Zamboni says, “giving each person permission to laugh. Pretend. You may not be dressing up like a doctor, but you can talk like one and go in and out of the role as you please. Be spontaneous. Explore. And remember, there’s no right way to do it. Have fun and a sense of humour.”

Technology
“A few years ago,” says a friend, Anna, “I wasn’t quite ready to role play in real life. So I started out by doing some online role playing. It was the perfect way to go, because I could explore my own preferences anonymously and without any pressure.” Anna says she and her boyfriend have used role playing from the start. “Maybe the first date isn’t the time or place to bring up ball gags,” she says, “but I started hinting as soon as we began taking our relationship to a sexual level. I wouldn’t want to find out years into a relationship that my boyfriend had been wanting to role play all along.” Ivy and I proceeded gradually. Usually we’d begin with a story and only move into the role playing several sessions later. “We took baby steps,” Ivy says. “And I enjoyed every little hurdle. Taking another step, pushing it a little – that’s the best part.” Butterflies can be a good thing; being nervous makes the role playing even better.

Your prescription: sex

A romp in the sack can improve short-term brain function and long-term psychological health, thanks to the release of pleasure hormones, say British researchers. But the benefits don’t stop there. Having sex twice a week will…

1. Bolster your Immune system
You’ll experience a spike in immunoglobulin A, an antibody that can fight off respiratory and stomach infections.

2. Cut your Prostatecancer risk
The more you ejaculate, the more carcinogens you’ll flush out of your sex gland, say Australian researchers.

3. Halve your risk of a fatal heart attack
Sex causes a surge in testosterone, a hormone that helps protect your heart from stress.

4. Ignite your fat burners
During a passionate bout of sex, men use 143 muscles and torch as many kilojoules as during a 15-minute jog.

5. De-stress your mind
After orgasm, your body releases oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a natural anti anxiety drug.

Pop your cherries

It’s a misconception that for a foodstuff to make you strong like bull it must have once trotted around a farmyard with a healthy pulse. Not so. Red meat is good, sure, it just doesn’t have a monopoly on boners. But don’t be disappointed: we’ll wager that your five-a-day sounds a good deal more appetising when you hear that certain fruits boast the dual benefit of keeping your end up. Yup, raising your intake of cherries, pomegranates and figs will give you a rise in other areas, too.

How it works
Researchers at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine examined the cholesterol levels and sex lives of 3 250 men over age 24, finding that as cholesterol rises so does his likelihood of erectile dysfunction. So the key to boosting your body’s natural love-making hydraulics is to eat foods that lower it. Many fruits and berries, especially red ones, are high in beneficial plant compounds called phytonutrients, which are effective in reducing cholesterol and, by extension, giving you the horn. And yes, that does mean red wine works, too. Go on, light some smelly candles and crack open a bottle.

Propose to your girlfriend

Congratulations! May she always have the wit of Tracey Ullman and the body of Gisele Bündchen. To make sure this is the last proposal you’ll ever have to deliver, first make the moment all about the two of you. This means you should resist the urge to tell everyone you know before you propose, says Dr Judy Kuriansky, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Dating. Yes, this includes her best friends. The next step is setting up the occasion. You don’t need an audience or to rent a hot-air balloon. Instead, plan a day that demonstrates how well you know her. Pick a place you’ve enjoyed together before or choose a significant date, like the anniversary of the day you met, then pop the question. When she says yes, all that’s left to do is pucker up – and kiss your independence goodbye.

Have more sex

Focus on quality and the quantity will take care of itself, says Dr Joy Davidson, a sex therapist and author of Fearless Sex. One way is to add quickies to the equation – while redefining “quickie” in a way that works for both of you. Think of it more as an unplanned event rather than a brief one. Try a new environment where daring and spontaneity are part of the act – in your office, in the garage before you leave for dinner, under that tiny airline blanket in 35A and 35B. If more places are available, more sex will be, too. “If it’s exciting, she won’t need as much time to be aroused,” says Dr Joel Block, a sex therapist and author of The Art of the Quickie. “Quickies that work will energise any sexual relationship. You’ll have captured her imagination.”

Find the perfect woman

If you use this as your primary relationship goal, you’re probably overreaching. “Stop looking for a serious relationship,” says Dr John Gray, author of Mars and Venus On a Date. Rather, simply aim to go on dates that are fun and engaging. Everything else will follow from there. Not going on any dates? Set a goal to meet a new woman every week or ask friends to arrange a date for you. (You heard right: ask your mates to set you up on a blind date.) It doesn’t mean one of the women you meet will be “The One”. But as you accrue what Gray calls “positive dating experiences”, you’ll feel more comfortable and start to understand what you’re really looking for. “Starting a relationship should be like visiting a friend’s house, not shopping for a house,” says Gray. “You want to appreciate the details, not be critical.

Turn a friend into a lover

Making a move on a good friend requires more careful work than defusing a pipe bomb. One false move and, well, you know. Avoid devastation and fallout with these four expert-approved strategies.

SET THE SCENE
Choose a place that’s comfortable for both of you, says Logan Levkoff, a columnist and sex educator. And don’t make a big production out of it. “A lot of guys try to take cues from sappy movies where friends become something more,” says Levkoff. “Don’t stand outside her window with a boom box over your head.”

READ HER BODY
Talk less, do more. “Kiss her,” says Levkoff. “Sometimes it’s easier to break down the barrier physically instead of verbally.” But how do you know to go for it? “If her face is close enough that you can lean in, then that’s a good sign,” she says.

LEAVE YOUR GAME AT THE DOOR
She knows about every girl you’ve dated and every pickup line you’ve ever used, so no fancy come-ons, Levkoff advises. Look her in the eyes and say, “You know all about me and my past, and I don’t want the other girls I’ve dated. I want you.” Yes, it’s formal, but say it anyway. “It works because it shows her you’re sincere,” says Levkoff.

RETREAT
If it doesn’t work out, leave it be. “Eventually, your friendship can, and will, return to normal,” says Levkoff.

GET OVER YOUR EX
Strip clubs and friends are a good first line of defence, but as therapeutic as they are, you have to go back to that empty house sometime. Here’s how to face up to reality.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT
“Treat a break-up as if you’re overcoming an addiction,” says Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love. Banish evidence of your ex – cards, photos, that stupid bottle of bubble bath. They’re the equivalent of a bankie of weed in the cubbyhole, says Fisher.

STAY DRY FOR A WHILE
Take a 90-day hiatus from new relationships. Enjoy your unencumbered life. “If you’ve always wanted to go to South America or take sailing lessons, now’s your time,” says Fisher. Before you know it, you’ll be ready to dash yourself on the jagged rocks of love all over again.

Get even harder erections

Legendary erections are all about great blood flow, like when you (and all your blood vessels) were in your teens. Regular exercise will help with that, as will the following hardening strategies.

LOSE WEIGHT
If you’re looking to turn your weeping willow into a mighty oak, just add testosterone. Building muscle will stoke your He-man hormone supply. The surest way to deplete it? An increase in your fat stores. A study from Weill Medical College at Cornell University shows that as men gain weight, their testosterone levels shrink accordingly. The good news: muscle is the best fat incinerator around. Add some and you stiffen your resolve in two mutually reinforcing ways.

TUNE YOUR TICKER
Yes, yes. Heart disease is a leading killer in men. But let’s talk about something just as important: the blood-vessel scarring that threatens your heart also threatens the tiny vessels that harden your erection. So eat an apple and a bowl of oatmeal every day: fibre is a great agent for scouring blood vessels.

GET BERRIED
The antioxidants in berries may combat free radicals in your bloodstream that could put a damper on your erection, Indiana University researchers have found. Add as many as you can to your pre-sex diet.

Last longer in bed

Forget what sitcom jokes imply and what happens on the screen during porn: the fact is, the average guy lasts only five to 10 minutes in bed. That’s it. Sex therapist Dr Brian Zamboni suggests shrugging off an early emission with some extra attention to her arousal (yes, that means staying awake), then getting back in the saddle. Most men last much longer the second time around. And the more you practise, the longer that first time will last. If your doctor signs off on it, you could also try Viagra: a study shows it can help reduce your refractory period for that second go-round. While you’re at it, pay attention to the following golden rules.

Please her first
Then she won’t care so much about your hair trigger. Use your hands, mouth or sex toys to bring her to orgasm before you take your turn, says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First.

Let her climb on
When she’s on top, your penis is less stimulated. And ask her to go slowly. “Long and fast thrusting is hazardous to a man’s endurance,” says sexologist Dr Robert Birch.

Practise solo
When you masturbate, don’t let yourself come quickly – it will train your body to finish fast, says Zamboni. If it usually takes you two minutes, try to stretch it to five, and so on. And pay close attention to your arousal, says Kerner. If you can learn to sense when you’re about to ejaculate, you’ll know when to pull out and take a breather during sex.

Tell her how you feel

“Rip off the proverbial Band-Aid and get it over with,” says Nicole Beland, Men’s Health’s Girl Next Door. “Until you ask, you’re never really going to know.” Tell her in person, on the phone or via email (yes, email is fine) on a Thursday afternoon – that’s the golden hour for confessing a crush. “It’s late enough in the week that a girl will be thinking about the weekend, but she won’t be rushing out the way she might on Friday,” says Beland. And keep it short. “Tell her you have to get something off your chest and then blurt it out, just like they do in the movies,” she says. “It’s the most painless and romantic way. Then back off and give her time to think.”

If she rejects you
Stand up straight, smile and say something like: “I’m glad you’re honest. It would be great if we could be friends.” Above all, keep your composure.
She’ll remember that.

If she’s undecided
Lay low. Don’t try to win her over with flowers or gifts. “If she’s sitting on the fence, a grand gesture would only overwhelm her,” says Beland.

If she says. “Oh, all right”
Send flowers the next day – something small and basic. Then plan your first proper date. “It takes balls to tell a woman you’re interested in her,” says Beland. “Will she jump into your arms? You’re about to find out.”