Be her do-right man

A guide to common bedroom mistakes made by men. With, of course, gentle corrections.

You know how public pools post lists of unacceptable behaviour? Don’t run, don’t dive, don’t vomit a fillet steak and a bottle of Cabernet Franc into our brand-new filtration system. Be assured that this is the last time I will ever liken my vagina to a public pool, but I’ve always thought how great it would be to post something similar in my own bedroom. Look, we love that you love having sex with us, and we love having sex with you, too. But sometimes you do things that we don’t like. Weird things. Things that you think are going to make us groan with gratitude and pleasure but really make us want to roll over and turn on the TV. Luckily, these mistakes generally result not from lack of skill but from wrong information. You can easily unlearn them. Remember: I probably know what I like better than you do. And if I had a bedroom sign, this is how it might read.

DO NOT ASK, "WHAT DO YOU LIKE?"
the first time we have sex. It's our third date. Okay, so maybe it's only the second, or maybe we just met in an elevator. At any rate, we're making out. Pants are coming off, eyes are smouldering. You ask this question and, bam... the magic is gone. First, I am embarrassed.

I may have been ready to have sex, but not so up for talking about it! Second, I feel pressured to provide a provocative answer, something involving toys or systematic humiliation, but the only thing I can think of to say is, "Well, Steve, I suppose I like manual and oral stimulation followed by intercourse resulting in my eventual orgasm." Finally, I am annoyed. Are you trying to sound sexy, wild, open to anything? Because if you are, won't I eventually discover that?

DO...
ask questions later. Questions help an ongoing sexual relationship move forward. They slow a new one down.

DO NOT STICK YOUR TONGUE IN MY EAR
The innocent, unfortunate ear (a) is a semi-discreet spot, (b) is a hole and (c) has folds. For these reasons, it has been ill-defined as a major erogenous zone. This is one of the great misperceptions in the history of Western civilisation.

DO...
tread lightly. I'm not saying never go for the ear. Just not every time. When you do, the ear is to be kissed gently, maybe licked on the edges, or nibbled with restraint. Then you can leave it alone. It's an ear.

DO NOT TRY TO STUFF YOUR SEMI-HARD PENIS INSIDE MY VAGINA
I understand: you're hoping it will get harder once it's in. Or you're thinking that if you act like everything's fine, then everything will be fine. Or maybe you're treating your penis like a stubborn teenager - you're going to show him who's boss and send him to his room. The only thing more humiliating than stuffing a flaccid penis inside someone is being stuffed by a flaccid penis. In this one wretched act, we can feel all of your fear, desperation and insecurity, concentrated in the precise place where you want us to feel something else.

DO...
anything but this. Kiss. Watch The OC. Order a pizza. Unless it's a recurring problem requiring medical or psychiatric attention, it's not a big deal. Really.

DO NOT REACH FOR MY CLITORIS
if you are in a position that is unsuitable for such a connection. Like when I'm clearly enjoying whatever we're doing. Or, say, if you're in the lounge watching TV and I'm in the kitchen making brisket. Such persistence is not admirable; it's annoying. It's good that you know clitoral stimulation is important. Now you need to know that if it's not done right - the right angle and pressure, the right motion - then it doesn't feel good, and it may even hurt.

DO...
ask. It might help to take her hand and say, "Show me what you like here". Then you can follow the motion of her hand, or she can guide yours until you've fi gured it out. In certain positions, a woman just doesn't want stimulation there, or prefers to do it herself.

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS
Having sex with a guy who shaves his balls is like riding a horse with a saddle made of broken glass. If you are going to shave, you're going to have to do it regularly. Say, every half hour.

DO...
embrace your hairiness. Unless you come up with a dignifi ed solution - and they are expensive - try to accept your body hair. You're a guy. Your greatgreat- grandfather was a gorilla.

DO NOT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
about ejaculating too fast, losing your erection or not being able to get one. An occasionally temperamental penis is no cause for alarm - but a guy who freaks out about it is. (If you make a big deal about it, we'll start to think maybe it really is a big deal.) Conversely, it's also not a good idea to act as if nothing happened, because, well, that is just bull, and that never flies.

DO...
acknowledge it, then laugh it off. The guy who says, "Wow, I usually only last for fi ve seconds, so that was a record" or "Gee, I guess those amazing anti-erection pills I got online are working" - that's the kind of guy who makes us want to try again. Later.

Take her for a ride

The five best techniques for action in motion.

1. Stick her into gear Research by Holiday Cars shows that one in five customers hires a car just to try out the suspension. If you don’t want to be caught out by an eagle-eyed traffic cop, go somewhere secluded, and get the windows steamed before you really get down to it. “Push the passenger seat back and have her lie down flat on it,” says sex therapist Dr Michael Seiler. “Straddle her, using the seat for support. She can go on top if she is much smaller than you, but be careful, if she tumbles off the seat, somebody could get hurt.” Especially at 140km.

2. Take her to new heights Having sex at 30 000 feet is illegal. But if you can’t resist joining the mile high club, your best time to try is either straight after take-off, or 15 minutes into the film – when the least passengers will be milling around. Get seats at the back and then have her head for the bathroom. Wait two minutes then follow her. “Once you are in, place her hands on the wall as if you are going to frisk her. Pull her hips back and enter her,” says R Don Steele,author of Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship and Dating. To get away, you should feign illness, while she does sick-bag duty. Genius.

3. Elevate your sex drive “People often make lift fantasies come true in hotels,” says Patricia Love, author of Hot Monogamy. One of you needs to keep your thumb on the “doors close” button. Hit stop when you are between floors. You’ll have about three minutes before people start prying. For a truly private session find a goods lift – they won’t have a camera.

SEX FACTS 68 Percentage of people who have had sex in a car. One in 10 say they had even got busy while driving. Six percent said they had damaged their vehicles while getting busy – but only one in 100 of these were bold enough to claim on their insurance. Source: www.ananova.com

4. Enter the tunnel Trains can be risky, but the fear of getting caught should heighten your senses and make the frisky business all that more exciting. “It will focus you on the sexual experience,” says sexologist Carol McQueen. Get tickets for a night train, and enjoy your breakfast in bed.

5. Float her boat Grab your lilo and head for the sea. Aim for the sunset – not only is it romantic, but there will be fewer prying eyes on the shore. “You can play under the surface, which adds tension,” says clinical sexologist Gloria Brame. Have her lie on her front across the middle of the lilo and take her from behind. Bring some silicone-based lube that won’t wash off in your exploits.

Coping with STDs

The syphilised man by Ron Geraci.
How to broach the subject of your partners' sexual history.

My second-favourite boxers were at my knees. “Look at that,” I said to Dr Brudersky. He turned my snake with a latexed finger, then retrieved a magnifying glass that looked like a Sherlock Holmes prop. “Mmm... that,” he said, eyeing the marble-sized, sandpapered red patch that my penis had sprouted four days before. “That’s nothing. A little trauma.”

“Trauma from what?” “You tell me,” he said. “I’ve never seen that before,” I pleaded. I questioned him about the opposites of best-case scenarios. He mentioned herpes, then scoffed the way doctors scoff when they send patients home with apple-sized brain tumours.

“Come back in two weeks if it’s still there. I’m fairly sure it’s nothing.” I leant towards him. “Swear on the baby Christ,” I demanded.

I’ve been terrified of STDs since my first run-in with them in 1977. Mr Jeffers, the perm-and-headband-wearing biology teacher, taught the first sexeducation class for boys in our school. Lacking a filmstrip that showed weeping genital ulcers, Jeffers gave his own, graphic explanation of VD: peeing burns. Sores on your thingy. Scarred for life. Women can get it and give it to their babies.

“I’ve got VD!” I wailed.

I tugged on his lime green velour tracksuit. “How does a girl get it?” I asked tentatively. His weak smile turned devilish. “By having sex too many times.”

Walking home, I made neurotic computations of my mother’s tally. Me. My brother. Two sisters. God knew how many other times. A block from home I realised it burnt when I pissed. I bit my forearm in terror, ran the last block and slammed myself upstairs. Seeing my unusual devastation before dinner, my mother questioned me until I finally broke.

“I’ve got VD!” I wailed.

She paused and leant back. She wanted to know how I got it. My face turned to fury. What nerve! I cocked my finger like a .357. “I got it from you!”

She blinked a few times. Then she asked for details of the crime. I pointed to the photos on our piano, then to my dad reading obliviously in the kitchen. “That’s four right there,” I spat. “And he said you get it from having sex too many times.” My mother put her palms into her eye sockets. “Not with the same person!” she screamed, rattling knickknacks.

Escaping the whole villainous lot - from chlamydia to Aids - has been 10 percent smarts and 90 percent dumb luck. I know that. But at 32, I can’t blow the perfect game now. Who could have given me herpes? I smouldered as I went over the list. Delia? Those three moronic romps with Hayley? Good God... Teri? Maybe it was a long-fused bomb from Tracy, that waitress from the pizza takeaway 16 years ago. After my night with her, I remember my 75-year-old dad, in his slippers, pushing open the bathroom door at 5am to find me scrubbing my penis with the cat’s flea shampoo. He cursed inaudibly and shuffled back into his room, likely figuring the road ahead would require more heel leather than he had left.

The night of my doctor’s visit, Teri came over. She was tearing at a pizza. “We’ve never talked about... a few important things,” I said. She bit into a slice. “Like?” Like the humorous little issues of what we might have done with whom,and if we might still need pills or creams for it, I suggested. “I thought we said we were both healthy.”

I explained that our seven-second talk while straddling the ottoman on date four wasn’t exactly full disclosure. She agreed. She asked how many women I’ve had sex with. I did trigonometry in the air. I mumbled a number. It wasn’t quite the legal drinking age. “That’s not... bad,” she replied. “You?” I said. “A couple more.” Her mouth wavered. “Maybe... double yours. Plus a few.” My beer glass started sliding through my fingers. My expression was not controllable. A violent argument ensued. “What, you want me to get tested?” she exploded. “As if that’s even your place to ask. Ever thought that maybe I want you to get tested!”

“I’ll get tested,” I said calmly. “And I think I actually do have the right to... Teri, that’s not what I mean. I just wish we’d talked abou-”

“Walk me to the door,” she ordered.“Teri, I am not saying you’re... promiscuous, for God’s sake,” I said softly.

“That’s what it felt like,” she said. “And I have no ammunition to retaliate against that.” We went downstairs without a word and I watched her car speed off down the road. Something bad just happened, thought. I still don’t know what. I don’t care about how many men she’s slept with. At least, consciously, I don’t care.

She took my four phone calls but was terse. You get to a point where you can’t apologise anymore. Unheard regret and confusion start to fester in you and you can’t apologise even once more. You can sit dazed like you’ve caught shrapnel in the head, but the sorry talk and flowers are eventually done. Then, after that, maybe you hope a magazine subscription will budge something.

Brudersky’s office called on Tuesday to see if I still needed the follow-up appointment. I walked to the john. No red mark. I had no idea how long it had been gone.

Sex simplified

What to do, when to do it and how to turn it into the best sex you’ll ever have.

One of the best things about sex is the anticipation. The sense of wondering what will happen next, if she’ll want it as much as you do. The first date, the first kiss. The second date, an intoxicating night riddled with meaningful glances and “accidental” brushes up against each other until she’s driving home, leaving you feeling a little empty but also relieved that the inevitable has been postponed.

And now tonight, dinner at the Italian restaurant, her impatience visible as you settle the bill, the five steps up to her flat. Both of you on the couch, wine glasses half empty. The anticipation finally explodes in fireworks of laughter. Then you get busy – and the problems begin. There’s a tortured turning of heads, an awkward positioning of faces and mouths. Jaws circle. This isn’t working out, sitting next to each other kissing. Everything keeps getting in the way: shoulders, arms, collarbones. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier if you had a tongue like a chameleon. It doesn’t have to be so difficult. Next time, go down on one knee, and you’ll be able to turn and face her better, without breaking the kiss. Read on to find out how to simplify your sex life in a few more easy moves.

Where should I put my hands when we kiss?

There is a natural magnetism that pulls your hands towards her breasts. This is perfectly understandable, but a schoolboy error. Rein yourself in. It’s too soon. So where should your hands go? Not on her shoulders – unless you want her to feel as though she’s kissing her gran. And not her butt, either. That’s just too lecherous. Rather slow down. Scout out the territory. While your mouths play, gently put one hand on her cheek, as if you want to check that she’s for real. Rest the other lightly on her knee.

How do I undress while sitting or lying?

It’s a dilemma: how do you get from clothed to naked when you’re sitting or lying down without giving an impromptu contortionist’s performance? No matter what anyone says, having sex with your jeans stuck around your ankles is less than dignified. The solution: both of you get up and undress each other. Aim for a blend of speed and elegance in your movements. You don’t want to grind the proceedings to a halt by taking five minutes to neatly fold all your clothes before hopping into bed, but neither do you want to anger her by ripping her R900 Diesel T-shirt in your haste to get to those glorious breasts (even if it looks torn already). If you really don’t want to stand up to disrobe, rather lie down flat and wriggle out of your clothes. You can’t take off a pair of jeans while sitting. The most important thing to remember is: don’t pretend you don’t want to undress her. You’re not 16 any more, and neither is she (we hope). Pretending to undress her by accident is just plain embarrassing. Rather celebrate the act of getting naked.

Where can I put my arm when I’m lying on my side?

The advantage of lying on your side is that her entire body is in easy reach. The problem is, you have two arms. Where should you put the other one? If you lie on it, it will fall asleep. You could tuck your forearm under your head, but you may elbow her in the face if you aren’t careful. If you fold it in front of you, you look like a chop with your arm in a sling.

And stretching it upwards just looks stupid. A better idea: put it around her waist. That’s what that little curve between her ribs and hips is for. Not only will there be less pressure on your arm, your hand will also be well positioned to grab or knead her butt.

Penetrating question: how do I shoot for the goal in the dark?

No mammal has eyes right next to its genitals, so she won’t be expecting you to aim for the goal from five paces – in the dark – and score on the first try. She’s expecting you to use your hands and fingers to feel your way around a little first. For her, it’s all part of the fun. For you, it’s mapping the territory. When the time comes to move beyond fingers and on to other appendages, get yourself in position and, using one hand, rub the head of your penis through her moist bareness. Your path lies where the heat is highest, the way wettest and the resistance lowest.

How should I touch my partner while we’re having sex?

It can be difficult to position yourself so that you have a free hand to touch her when you’re already balancing on top of her and thrusting with vigour. The question is: are you sure you have to? After all, you’re already touching her rhythmically, with an item of not irrelevant size, in her most sensitive parts. That will be where her attention is focused. Unless you can somehow free up a hand without breaking pace (see “Should I balance on my hands or elbows?”), forget about caressing her. Rather stick with what is working. Bottom line is, if she wants to be touched during intercourse, she should be on top.

Should I balance on my hands or elbows?

Women hate it when men lie on them with their full weight – and who wouldn’t? It’s difficult to surrender to pleasure when you’re fighting to breathe. But she doesn’t want you balancing on your hands and hovering a metre above her, either. Proximity is good. A good middle ground is to prop yourself up on your elbows. This takes most of your weight off her while maintaining skin-to-skin contact. That said, don’t be scared to rest your weight on her for short periods of time in order to free up your hands for some play. Touch her head, her butt, her breasts. Put your fingers in her mouth so she can lick them. She won’t realise that you are not supporting your weight any more. She’ll marvel at how you seem to manage to have your hands everywhere.

How do we change positions mid-coitus?

You’re on top, she’s on the bottom, and it’s time to switch places. Rearranging yourself without separating during sex is an art form. It may be tempting to throw yourself on your back and simply hoist her over you, but this is not a wrestling match – and chances are you’ll pop out or, worse, cause yourself serious damage. It may also work for her to straighten her legs next to yours, but here again you run the risk of coming out. The solution: lift your torso a little (as though doing a push-up), keeping yourself propped up on one hand while remaining joined at the hip (er... you know what we mean). Use the other hand to support her while she “sits” up by holding on to your shoulders. Slide your knees around under her butt. She should now be sitting on your lap. From here, you can switch places with her or, if you’re a home-baked kind of guy, pick her up and relocate to the kitchen table.

How can we climax at the same time?

You probably won’t, so don’t even try. In fact, since it’s your first time together, it’s unlikely she will get there at all – she’ll be way too nervous. And the last thing you want is for her to get bored and fake it, just to get you to stop. If both of you realise that simultaneous climax (or any climax at all) is unlikely the first time around, you will be able to stop chasing your mythical mutual orgasm and just enjoy the time you have together. You will have more opportunities to try again later – like in half an hour. If you’ve come and she still wants more, just stay inside and let her do her thing. She knows best how to get there. And if she comes before you, give yourself a pat on the back.

The secret language of sex

Simple phrases to reignite her passion.

Let these simple phrases unlock a woman’s heart and reignite her passion

Relationships are funny things: one partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And, more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more – more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgement that you’re committed to her happiness.

The reason is simple: when it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants and men are like cacti. According to psychiatrist Dr Scott Haltzman, the average woman speaks 7 000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2 000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues or the electronic image of Naas Botha. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.

Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist Dr John Gottman of the University of Washington’s Relationship Research Institute and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict the likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation”. A five-to-one ratio of positive comments to negative ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that suggests trouble ahead.

A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more and be more open with your emotions. However, telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximise the communication you do have – to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart, and a few other intimate places as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.

“I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds, but the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbour goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage, and that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2 000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: 46 percent responded, “Knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album, they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.

“I understand how important this is to you.”
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Dr Mark Elliott, director of the US Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health. One of the ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into action every time she expresses concern about something, a common male default. Instead of saying, “Here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations of how much you respect her.

“Let me tell you how my presentation went.”
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear, “Fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximise the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realised I was right.” According to Dr Les Parrott, author of Love Talk, “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you.”


“Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow.Tonight should just be about us.”
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.

“I’ve been fantasising about making you feel good.”
Here’s a shocker: when it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a US survey of 85 men and 77 women, aged 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said they fantasised about pleasing their partners, while more than half of the women fantasised about their own pleasure. “Women focus on themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is prioritised,” says study author Dr Eileen Zubriggan. Key in to her fantasy; let her know that her wish is your command.

“Put the fourteenth on your calendar; I’m taking you away.”
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Dr Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: a recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the six days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting two weeks after she begins her period and subtracting two days.

“I’ll run you a bath.”
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “A few minutes of foreplay aren’t enough.” After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.

“You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids.”
A study at Purdue University found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live together. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other,” explains Dr Mary Carole Pistole, an associate professor of counselling psychology at the university. To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a mini-holiday away from you.


“I adore your freckles.”
To feel sexy, a woman has to feel beautiful. “Women get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love. “You look beautiful” is fine, but follow up by complimenting her on something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other woman in the room.

“I think it’ll be fun if you don’t use your hands.”
When you’re on solid ground and want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A survey of 2 000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. “Don’t imply that you want this because sex has grown stale,” says Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”

“Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos.”
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share – whether it’s a birth date, a passion for Japanese architecture or your favourite holiday spot – will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: implicit egotism. It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.

“I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry.”
In a study of 3 500 people, researchers at the University of California found that men who performed the most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again, women react to verbal cues: it helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever you feel the urge to wash, dry or fold.

“The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from crèche.”
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority said they admired the men who took heroic risks, but weren’t impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. “A woman wants a mate who’s going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author Dr William Farthing.

Smooth talker

Pickup lines that work, according to 100 women surveyed.

Here's what 100 women told us would work on themfor the one line that would make them melt, and here are five answers to improve your talent for talk

1. THE SEXY SECRETARY

“Your picture on the company website is disgusting.”

Marcia said: “That was the first thing my now-boyfriend said to me. He then immediately followed it up with ‘you’re a beautiful, sexy woman and it doesn’t do you justice’. The old ‘insult you then say a nice thing’ trick hardly ever fails. It’s surprising, it’s naughty and it implies he thinks you’re cool enough to be offended. Just don’t get the order the wrong way round, unless you’re after a slap.”

2. THE SEXY FRIEND

“I don’t want to sleep with you.”

Isobel said: “When it’s followed up with ‘I’d just like to hang out with you’, this works wonders. She’ll ask herself why you don’t want to sleep with her. All her insecurities run through her mind: is her bum too big? Her nose a little skew? Sure as can be, she will want to sleep with you just to prove to herself that she’s worth it.”

3. THE BLIND DATE

“I think you’re secretly a little mischievous.”

Katherine said: “You can’t go wrong with a good honest compliment. But never too superficial. Never talk about her figure, that’s slightly creepy. Face, clothes or hair is good. Or maybe a little curveball like ‘I think you’re secretly a little mischievous’ is unexpected, makes me feel special and has just the right element of ‘I think you would be great in bed’ in it.”

4. GIRL AT THE BAR

“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”

Lisa said: “Some slurring oaf with a half-eaten kebab for a shirt saying you’re the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on just makes you feel depressed. Even though ‘If I followed you home, would you keep me?’ is a little cheesy, that kind of spontaneous sense of humour can be the biggest aphrodisiac for a lot of single woman. It shows he’s confident and not afraid of making a fool of himself.”

5. LONG-TERM GIRLFRIEND

“I can’t wait to get you home.”

Ella said: “Whispered in the ear, this has the effect of saying to her: ‘Do you know how hard I’m finding it to concentrate without thinking of you naked, or what underwear you are, or aren’t wearing.’ And that makes you feel like the sexiest creature alive, which is hot. Of course, it’s a risky tactic on the first date.”

SEXUAL FACTOR

* In a 2005 study of 317 000 people from 41 countries, South Africans were shown to have sex on average 109 times a year. The global average is 103 times a year.

* The average sex session for South Africans lasts 20 minutes while the global average is 18 minutes.

_{Source: 2005 Durex Sex Survey www.durex.com}

Red-hot holidays

Take her where she has never been before, in more ways than one…

The two weeks my boyfriend and I spent together in Paris were exciting and memorable. But so were the two days we spent in his small hometown of Bathurst, in the Eastern Cape. You know, the home of the Bathurst Agricultural Museum.

See, when we’re truly into you, the destination is irrelevant. But you do have to think creatively about what you’re going to do with us while we’re there. I had fun in Bathurst not only because my guy was showing me where he grew up, but also because he planned quirky activities he knew I’d like – a hike out in the country, a stop at the Agricultural Museum.

My point: not every trip has to be all moonlit strolls and kisses by the Seine, but you do need to make an effort if you want her to enjoy travelling with you.

How, though? First, here’s what not to do. “Never, never ever plan a getaway to a place you’ve visited with a previous wife or girlfriend, especially when the relationship is new,” says Paris Permenter, co-editor of www.lovetripper.com, a blog about travel for couples. “No matter how hard you try to keep it to yourself, some comment about ‘last time’ will slip out.”

With that in mind, here are four excursions guaranteed to make you both happy.

1 The wing-and-a-prayer road trip

Best for A love life stuck in neutral that needs some adventure to rev it up.

Game plan Pack her weekend bag, pick her up after work and surprise her with a loosely charted road trip. Give your route a regional theme – beaches, say, if you’re heading along the Garden Route, vineyards if you’re in the Western Cape. Then just plug your points-of-interest category into a GPS and go where the road and the gadget take you (check out www.gpswaypoints.co.za for some ideas, like shipwrecks).

“The key is not to plan down to the nth degree,” says Dr Ian Kerner, a sex and relationships counsellor and the author of She Comes First. “The fun part is figuring it out together and making it about the surprises along the way.”

Destination Pick whatever looks interesting within half a day’s drive. As soon as you hit a town you want to explore, find a room – think upscale B&B, not unsexy generic hotel chain – so you don’t spend the rest of the day looking for a bed.

The best way to get a competitive rate for your overnight stay is to phone ahead, even if it’s from across the street. “That’s your best shot at a bargain,” says Rob Sangster, the author of Traveler’s Tool Kit. “If the B&B owner doesn’t hook you right then, he or she knows you’ll go elsewhere.” If you walk in, he explains, the owner will know you’re likely to stay no matter what the price.

What she’ll like The surprise factor, your spontaneity and your thoughtfulness. “Offer to buy anything you forgot to pack,” says Dr Diana Kirschner, author of Love In 90 Days. “When men take care of every detail, it really opens up their partner’s gratitude and is a turn-on sexually.”

2 The business-with-pleasure trip

Best for When you’re both so busy with work you barely see each other any more.

Game plan “Couples often drift apart when they’re both working hard,” says Kirschner. The next time you schedule a business trip, see if she can take a couple of days off to join you at the tail end. Book her a day at the spa and then hook up with her after your meetings. “Pretend you two are having an affair and meet for dinner,” says Pat Love, co-author of How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. “Flirt with each other. Then head back to the bedroom.”

Destination She’ll be game if the location is a major city, a resort or a beach. Nice bedding (fluffy goose-down duvet with Egyptian-cotton covers, not nasty knitted bedspread) is an absolute must.

What she’ll like You’re showing her that she’s an important part of your life and that you want to spend time with her even when you have other obligations, says Love. That said, if the only holiday you two ever take is also your annual office retreat, she’ll assume (correctly) that you’re a cheap bastard and/or an inattentive lover.

3 The sexy overnighter

Best for When you can’t remember the last time you got naked together, or you’re just bored with your bedroom routine.

Game plan Book a room at a nearby hotel as a date night, suggests Kerner. “It takes you away from your home environment and the physical and visual cues that stimulate stress,” says Love.

Destination Avoid run-of-the-mill chains, even if they are fi ve-star, in favour of boutique hotels with funky decor to bring out the glamour girl in her. A good example is the Daddy Long Legs Boutique Hotel in Long Street, Cape Town, where each room has been decorated in a different, completely over-the-top style. (Tip: avoid the karaoke room if you sing like Donald Duck.) Don’t have an art hotel in your city? Find one with a spa bath and room service – sipping bubbly while sitting in bubbles will make her feel decadently pampered.

What she’ll like That you’re proposing something more thrilling than a movie. Then again, the idea could make her feel like a total hooker. But is that a bad thing?

4 Europe, sans the Euros

Best for Times she wants foreign glamour and you don’t want to break the bank.

Game plan If you want to go to Paris or another obscenely pricey city and you have a few weeks to plan, consider searching www.craigslist.com (free membership) for someone to swop homes with for a few nights. You could save thousands on hotel costs.

Destination Think outside the euro. The Czech Republic, for example, still uses its own currency, and Prague is just as romantic as Paris. Or think outside Europe altogether: head north to Portuguese-speaking Mozambique for faux-Europe experience.

What you’ll both like The adventure of navigating an international setting and the challenge of an unfamiliar language can stimulate bonding and desire, says Kerner. “Anything that indulges the senses and stimulates the mind does the trick.”

The STD you already have

Sharing the love bug.

Ebola. SARS. West Nile. These are the ‘A-list’ viruses. If one of them decides to star in a major outbreak, someone will be there in a pink biohazard suit to report on the big event. Scary stuff.

Then there’s herpes. It goes about its business of infecting the human race with little or no fanfare, mainly because it isn’t the serial killer that the other viruses are. But what herpes lacks in lethal force, it makes up for in mobility. The Centres for Disease Control in Atlanta, US, estimates that at least 45 million American adults carry the genital strain of the disease. And 65 percent of us are likely to have oral herpes. (If you’ve had a cold sore, you probably have it. That’s how the virus commonly manifests itself in our bodies.)

We are a world of herpes carriers. Worse, we’re carrying a disease for which there is no cure. But there is a plan. Specifically, strategies that will help you keep herpes in hibernation, outsmart the outbreaks and prevent the love of your life from turning into the object of your infection.

Sharing the love bug

Herpes Simplex Virus 1 (HSV-1, oral herpes) is the kind you want to have, if you’re forced to choose between the two; the symptoms are usually no worse than cold sores. Herpes Simplex Virus 2 (HSV-2, genital herpes), on the other hand, can result in itching and burning on your genitals, buttocks and upper thighs; painful trips to the office urinal; and flu-like symptoms. Both strains are incurable.

Now for the sinister part: oral herpes can also be transmitted to your genitals. How? Consider this scenario: your girlfriend has a cold sore, or even just the invisible beginnings of one, and performs oral sex on you. Her herpes is now your herpes, albeit in a different location. “I have witnessed an increase in the incidence of genital herpes caused by HSV-1 after oral-genital sex,” says Dr Richard Whitley. And while the infection will be milder than fully-fledged genital herpes, it’s still no picnic. (Yes, you can catch genital herpes on your mouth after performing oral sex on a woman with HSV-2. Fortunately, it’s rare.)

Preventing an outbreak

The operative word is ‘preventing’, not ‘curing’, because herpes plays a neurological hide-and-seek with every drug we throw at it – and always wins. “The virus travels the nerve pathways and nests at the bundle of nerves at the base of the spine,” says Whitley. Many sufferers have their own theories about what makes herpes emerge from its hiding place – long bicycle rides, depression, divine retribution – but scientific studies have pinpointed three specific triggers:

1. Sunlight

A study published in the American Journal of Sports Medicine linked outbreaks of oral herpes among skiers to their level of sun exposure, specifically to ultraviolet-B rays.

How to beat it Cover your mouth. “Sunscreen is effective in reducing the UV trigger for cold sores,” says says virologist Dr Rhoda Ashley Morrow. Look for a high SPF stick that is waterproof. The benefit? Unconsciously licking your lips won’t remove the UV protection.

2. Stress

Any stressful event in your life – from a first date to unusual pressure at work – weakens your immune system and gives herpes an opening. Same goes for being sick with a cold or the flu (hence the nicknames ‘cold sore’ and ‘fever blister’ for oral herpes).

How to beat it If you’re feeling especially stressed – physically or emotionally – drink a glass of red wine with dinner. Not only will the wine help take the edge off your stress, but it may also function as a preemptive strike against the oral strain of the virus. A study published in Antiviral Research showed that the topical application of red wine helps inhibit oral herpes, thanks to a compound called resveratrol.

3. Dental work

“If a dentist gives you an injection in the mouth, that trauma can trigger the reactivation of the virus,” says dentist Dr Michael Siegel.

How to beat it Ask your dentist to prescribe an antiviral medication, like Zelitrex, and take one gram at the earliest signs of a cold sore and one gram 12 hours later. This will help head off the virus before it can set up camp on your face. And even if you don’t need root canal, you may still want to ask your doctor for Zelitrex. Along with the anti-viral drugs Zovirax and Famvir, Zelitrex is often used as a preventive medicine for people who have four or more outbreaks a year.

Treating an outbreak

It’s possible to avoid the triggers and pop the antivirals, and still have a flare-up. That’s why you should assemble this emergency virus-containment kit now.

Beer

At the first sign of a cold sore, grab an ice-cold can of beer and wrap a serviette around it. Now press the can against the cold sore for 15 seconds, then remove it for 15 seconds. Repeat this routine for five minutes. Wait 15 minutes and repeat. Drink beer when finished. “The cold may literally freeze the virus and keep the blister from forming,” says dermatologist Dr Jerome Litt. Don’t try this for genital herpes – unless you want to freeze your balls off.

Garlic

Cook up some pasta and toss a few minced cloves of garlic into the sauce. According to Dr James Duke, author of The Green Pharmacy, garlic is murder on viruses. In particular, test-tube studies show that the pungent herb can kill both oral and genital herpes. Rather not reek? Keep a box of garlic supplements handy; two tablets gives you a potent dose of garlic without the knockout breath. Take two tablets three times a day until the flare-up disappears.

Echinacea

The uppercut of your herbal one-two punch. In laboratory tests, researchers found that when echinacea extract was added to oral herpes, it completely destroyed the virus. “Applying the tincture of the echinacea root to a cold sore would probably work, too,” says Dr John Arnason, the lead study author. Pour some on a cotton ball and apply it to the sore once or twice a day.

Keeping it to yourself

If you have herpes and she doesn’t, you’ll need to be smart in the sack. The rule of thumb is to avoid sexual contact when cold sores, lesions or even the tingling that precedes lesions, are present. But it is possible to have no symptoms and still transmit the virus. Here’s what will lower, or raise, that risk.

Condoms

Wear one, even if she’s on the Pill. According to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, using a latex or polyurethane condom drops the risk of transmitting genital herpes to your partner. It’s by no means foolproof, but it helps.

Spermicide

Research shows that nonoxynol-9, the active ingredient in spermicides, can cause microabrasions on the skin. This means if the spermicide is on the outside of your condom, it can cause tiny tears in her vaginal wall, which in turn will increase the odds of the herpes virus being transmitted.

Zelitrex

“Zelitrex is the only antiviral with proof that it reduces risk of transmission,” says Morrow. In a recent eight-month study of 1 400 monogamous couples, researchers found that taking 500mg of Zelitrex daily reduced the risk of transmission by 77 percent.

The best orgasm of her life

Oral sex can be a very tender, intimate way to tell her you love her – or just part of a total package.

For many women, oral sex is more intimate than penetration,” says sex therapist Dr Patti Britton. There’s no hard-and-fast rule about what your partner’s going to like. Some women love a very gentle, almost ghostlike sensation; others, particularly when they’re close to coming, want a much more aggressive stroke. Best bet: experiment with different parts of your tongue. Here are some specific moves you can try.

Start with the lips.

Kiss her labia as if you were kissing the lips on her face. Nuzzle your face in there. Lick her mound. Separate the outer lips, then the inner ones. Run your tongue around her labia.

Go in circles.

With a relaxed tongue, lick up and around the clitoris – not on top of it. Do this gently and slowly. Remember, what you can see and feel is just the tip of the iceberg, so covering the surrounding areas is not a waste of time.

Be her friend Flicka.

After a few long strokes that gently massage her whole vulva, add a tongue-tip flick at her clit. “The combination of stimulation on her inner lips and the erotic tickle of your tongue tip sends her into an extreme pleasure spin,” says sex educator Midori.

Roll your tongue.

If you’re one of the genetically able (some people can do this, some can’t – and no amount of practice will get you there if you can’t), roll your tongue into a tube around her clit and then slide it back and forth.

Suck.

“Sucking on her clitoris and labia creates a unique feeling, and when contrasted with the usual friction can lead to more and better orgasms,” says Dr Bob Schwartz, author of The One-Hour Orgasm (R178 www. kalahari.net). But do it gently, and release it quickly. This is a very intense sensation.

Your tongue tip sends her into a pleasure spin

Insert your tongue.

You can, of course, insert your tongue into her vagina. A little of this goes a long way – the greatest concentration of nerve endings in this area is right at the opening, so spending your time and energy there makes the most sense. You probably will want to penetrate her when she’s getting ready to come; using your hands makes the best sense.

Use your hands.

You can give a woman an orgasm without your hands, but with them, you can give her a much, much better one.

Use a toy.

A dildo or vibrator can be an excellent addition to oral sex.

Most important piece of advice...

“Women orgasm through consistent rhythmical stimulation, so once she’s enjoying a particular move, don’t change what you’re doing,” says Midori. Many women do enjoy a variety of sensations, particularly at the beginning. Don’t continue for too long with the same stroke unless she asks you to. But once you’ve hit something she likes, keep a constant repetitive motion going, then don’t stop. “If she suddenly freezes in a position, holding her hips up while tensing her abs to stay as she is, you’re getting it spot on,” says Midori. Many women want to be stimulated all the way through, and misjudging this can severely upset her most sensitive moment.

Sex and Sex Positions

Use our guide to find her secret sex spots

First rule? Slow down. Women want the lip-lock to last twice as long as you do, according to a Men’s Health online poll. Maximise your extended play time by pinpointing her five pleasure points.

Her lips

The move
Target the philtrum, the central ridge of her upper lip and an area the ancient Greeks called the most erogenous zone on the body. Two major cranial nerves are close to the surface here, says oral surgeon Dr Cameron Clokie. Gently nibble this pouty point to release oxytocin, the same hormone unleashed during her orgasm, says Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University.

Her jaw

The move
A slow circuit around her neck and jawline pumps up her pleasure. One twist: hum softly as you plant kisses along her jaw. You’ll send a chorus of euphoric vibrations along the bone and into her inner ear. This audio-erotic move also stimulates the skin’s Pacinian corpuscles, which release calming endorphins, says Thomas Swift, president of the American Academy of Neurology.

Her tongue

The move
Tongue helicopters are for school kids. Help her leave the launch pad by teasing the nerve-dense tip of her tongue. Nerves there release the arousal-inducing neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine, says Clokie. Vary your lingual caresses with light, lips-only clenches of her tongue tip.

Her neck

The move
Massaging her hairline at the nape, moving from her hair to her bare neck, doubles her pleasure. You’re stroking the junction of two different tissue types, says Clokie. Working this border region sets off two separate sensations that meld into a single, mind-blowing message to her brain: more.

Her clavicle

The move
Kissing her collarbone is a classic move. But most guys focus on the outer regions and miss the passion-laced centre. “The densest nerve region is where her clavicle connects to her sternum,” says Swift. Slowly kiss your way to this nerve centre to produce a progressive passion build-up.

How does it feel to have a multiple orgasm?

...and how can you get your other half there too?

“I have had multiple orgasms in groups of five, and one time as many as nine. Once I had a prolonged orgasm that lasted for around three full minutes. I wanted it to stop but it was like a keyboard letter that was stuck and kept typing out the same letter.

“It usually happens when a state of arousal develops as result of a mixture of the anticipation of a pleasant sensation and gentle stimulation over a period of time (at least an hour’s foreplay for best results) soon to be followed by a blast of mind-blowing feel-good sex in the company of someone I am very attracted to. “Occasionally it happens in ‘naughty’ circumstances: bunking off from work or with an otherwise unavailable partner, which adds a sense of heightened adventure to the exploits. The arousal is developed by kissing, caressing and gently sensitising my nipples, which quickly become erect, automatically causing lubrication in the vagina even without the need for direct stimulation.

“To produce the longest lasting results means keeping a rocking or circular momentum going during sex, until my breathing becomes shorter and shorter. Increasing tension around the vaginal muscles can cause my partner (moving rhythmically in time) to ejaculate. With that in mind, I can slow down or move faster depending on his state.

“Usually it ends with a hearty shuddering, a series of strong contractions, a surge of energy and a noisy explosion of high-pitched screaming. Then I climb back on top of my man (always a favourite position for maximum pleasure) to go at it again to get another, then another and so on. This will last till my partner and/or I are too tired to continue.

“My mouth is usually very dry and I often feel a sense of having conquered my partner rather than having been with him in a romantic, mutual loving exchange. At each orgasm there will usually be a gush of vaginal fluid. At the point of orgasm I’ll often dig my nails into his skin or pull his hair in an uncontrollable paroxysm of intense energy. It feels like an animal strength being released.”

Multiple orgasms, one explanation

According to various scientific estimates, between 14 and 43 percent of women have experienced multiple orgasms, and according to the authors of Understanding Human Sexuality, even non-porn stars can achieve up to 20 in a row. But an online review of the research surrounding multiple orgasms suggests that for most women, the maximum number of times you can rock their boat will be seven, at which point you’ll very much be rubbing them up the wrong way.

Want to experience it yourself? Research over the last 40 years suggests that the best way to set your own orgasm on repeat play is to practise avoiding ejaculation – in other words, controlling yourself with your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle. These muscles can be built up by tensing them when you pee, stopping and starting your flow of urine. One study found a man capable of six ejaculations within 36 minutes – though if he did that in a lab with docs watching, chances are he’s not so much a lothario as a freak of nature.

Not so fast

Four simple solutions to delaying ejaculation.

Quick on the draw? Kegel exercises and the stop-start technique can help you delay ejaculation, but they’re not always enough. Holster your hair trigger for good with these four strategies.
1. Stop squeezing

“Ejaculation is controlled by the pelvic muscles, which reflexively tighten right before ejaculation,” says Dr Michael Metz, co-author of Coping With Premature Ejaculation. “So squeezing these muscles in an attempt to delay ejaculation actually works against you.”

2. Stretch

A 2007 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that one hour of daily yoga for 12 weeks quadrupled the duration of sex – from 33 seconds to 1:52 minutes. The best yoga positions, reported the study, are those that promote relaxation and strengthen the pelvic muscles.

3. Chart a new course

“Think of your arousal on a scale of one to 100 and practise keeping it within 10 points of 30,” says Metz. As you strengthen your pelvic muscles, learn to feel them start to tighten as you become more excited. When that happens, slow down until they relax again.

4. Pop so you don’t pop

Ask your doctor about the off-label use of SSRI antidepressants, which delay ejaculation by raising levels of serotonin, a brain chemical that controls sexual excitement. A 2007 study by Dutch researchers determined that daily use of Paxil was almost twice as effective as the next-best drug.Quick on the draw? Kegel exercises and the stop-start technique can help you delay ejaculation, but they’re not always enough. Holster your hair trigger for good with these four strategies.
1. Stop squeezing

“Ejaculation is controlled by the pelvic muscles, which reflexively tighten right before ejaculation,” says Dr Michael Metz, co-author of Coping With Premature Ejaculation. “So squeezing these muscles in an attempt to delay ejaculation actually works against you.”

2. Stretch

A 2007 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that one hour of daily yoga for 12 weeks quadrupled the duration of sex – from 33 seconds to 1:52 minutes. The best yoga positions, reported the study, are those that promote relaxation and strengthen the pelvic muscles.

3. Chart a new course

“Think of your arousal on a scale of one to 100 and practise keeping it within 10 points of 30,” says Metz. As you strengthen your pelvic muscles, learn to feel them start to tighten as you become more excited. When that happens, slow down until they relax again.

4. Pop so you don’t pop

Ask your doctor about the off-label use of SSRI antidepressants, which delay ejaculation by raising levels of serotonin, a brain chemical that controls sexual excitement. A 2007 study by Dutch researchers determined that daily use of Paxil was almost twice as effective as the next-best drug.

The average package

See how you measure up, without having to peer over the urinal divider.

71 Percentage of women who think men are too concerned with the size and shape of their penises.

21 Percentage of women who think length matters.

33 Percentage of women who think girth matters.

22 Percentage of men who describe their member as “large”.

22 Percentage of men who would prefer a smaller penis.

15 Average number of ejaculations each month for a man in his twenties.

5 Average number of ejaculations each month by the time a man reaches his sixties.

2.6 minutes Average time from stimulation to ejaculation.

⅓ to 1 teaspoon Amount of semen in each ejaculation.

275 million Amount of sperm in the average ejaculation.

60 Number of days it takes for a single sperm to reach full maturity.

60 Average percentage of sperm that are healthy enough to fertilise an egg.

Before birth Age when most men’s testes descend from their abdomen.

76 Percentage of men who say they have never been tested for an STI.

28 Percentage who say the main reason is because they don’t want to know if they have one.

0.4 to 2.3 Percentage of condoms broken during use.

4 (snug, regular, large, XL) Total number of condom sizes.

1 in 6 Number of men over 35 who have had a vasectomy.

1 in 1 000 Likelihood that a man who’s had a vasectomy could still impregnate a woman.

45km/h The air speed of ejaculate.

3 in 4 Number of men who say their penis naturally hangs to the left.

12cm Average circumference when erect.

9cm Average length of a flaccid penis.

84 Percentage increase in volume between the average fl accid and erect penis.

15cm Average length when erect.

85 Percentage of men whose left testicle hangs lower than the right.

55 Percentage of men who are happy with the size of their penis.

5 ways to meet your dream woman

The perfect girl is out there: Here's how to find her.

1. Strike up conversations with 10 strangers a day

You’ll build up immunity to rejection and practise ice-breakers and snappy responses. So when a woman comes into range, muscle memory will kick in, says dating coach Nancy Slotnick.

2. Carry a neighbour’s shopping bags

This much we know is true: women have friends. We also know that women like to fix people up. Show that you’re a good guy, and you’ll soon start collecting numbers, says psychotherapist Sharyn Wolf, author of Guerilla Dating Tactics: Strategies, Tips and Secrets For Finding Romance.

3. Pretend you’ve already been introduced

Your mindset will shift from hunting to having a casual conversation and, most importantly, she won’t see you as yet another guy hitting on her, says dating coach Evan Katz.

4. Get out of the office

On nice days, women eat lunch outside, Wolf says. Remember to turn off your cellphone and ditch the shades.

5. Don’t interrogate

She doesn’t know you, so questions are intrusive and make her feel like she’s being evaluated. You want to engage rather than gather information, so share first – “I’m the youngest of three, how about you?” – and she’ll respond comfortably, Wolf says.

7 Deadly Sex Sins

Women reveal what they don't want you to do in the bedroom.

Men's Health gives you lots of advice on what she wants you to do – the tips and tricks that will get her back for more. But what about those things that will have her heading for the door? With the help of Women's Health online readers and my esteemed and highly-trustworthy female colleagues and girlfriends, I've compiled the seven deadly sins that men perform in the bedroom that take you from hero to zero.

1. SLOTH: Are you a man or a boy?
"Falling asleep, as in passing out, directly after the act." – Debs
"Hygiene, bad breath, farting..." – Devni
"Wash. Your. Sheets." – Vicki

2. PRIDE: We don't care
"Before I’ve even seen you in the nick, don’t drop loads of hints as to the size of your penis. It’s not as important to me as it is to you." – Lucy
(*Note: This also includes not mentioning the name you have given to your member.)

3. GLUTTONY: Give a little, get a whole lot
"
Not touching or kissing (to get me in the mood) and then only last five minutes." – Lucinda
"Shake it up a little. Don’t think that rubbing my thigh in the same place for five minutes is going to turn me on. If you can’t be bothered to show some enthusiasm, how can I?" – Lindi
"Too many positions and too little time for a gal to get into each one! You aint flipping a burger patty, boys..." – Nix

4. ENVY: Beware of her little green monster
"Referring to your ex in any kind of sexual connotation – 'Oh, yeah, Jeanine once waxed hers with my initials.' 'Come on babe, Nicole and I once made a sex tape.' – will not go down well." – Tanya

5. GREED: This is not a one-man show
"If I’m wearing a sexy little number, please take time to admire it." – Jess
"Not having good-quality condoms on hand is a big turn off." – Megan
(*Note: While any condom is better than nothing, do not present her with the free ones you get in dodgy men's toilets. Besides looking cheap, thick latex condoms lose the sensitivity and change the intimate experience for you and her.)
"Not getting that mix right between being gentle as well as being a little assertive – it’s an art to find the perfect balance!" – Sarah

6. LUST: You say it best when you say nothing at all
"Talking too much – particularly if you don't know the person particularly well or have only been sleeping together for a short time. I've always thought that guys should keep it to 'My god you're beautiful' or similar variations. No need for a conversation at a time like this and – heaven forbid – asking who's your daddy!" – Amanda
"It all starts in the kissing – get that wrong and you aint getting any." – Alison

7. WRATH: Want to feel her... cold fury?
It's unanimous – socks are still a big turn-off. A guy slept over at my place once and, when we got into bed, he kept his socks on saying he "couldn't sleep without them on." Poor guy. He chose sleep over any chance of action and had a very cold, never-to-be-repeated night alone on his side of the bed.

Bottom line, boys, leave her unsatisfied and, if she even sticks around, she won't be keen to put herself through that ordeal again. But it's less about guaranteeing an orgasm, and more about considering her during the whole process. One more thing that came out of the research, watch out for that O-face. Women are very visual creatures, too, and there's a good chance she's got her eyes open.

Get the right reaction

5 steps to getting the girl. It’s all about managing body chemistry…

1. first meeting

Your reaction It’s not just your mates’ envious glances making you feel good. “Flirting stimulates the production of dopamine, the body’s ‘reward’ chemical,” says Siski Green, author of How To Blow Her Mind In Bed. “The University of São Paulo in Brazil found this makes you more focused and goal-orientated. You’ll also produce extra testosterone to give you a competitive edge.”

Her reaction “University of Iowa research found flirting affects her differently,” says Tracey Cox, author of Superflirt. “The limbic system takes over, making her act on instinct rather than rationally. This hormone hit makes her blush, and touch her neck, mouth and lips.”

Better loving through chemistry Studies at Carnegie Mellon University in the US found that the testosterone boost makes you so goal-orientated you’re likely to blow your chances by moving too fast. “Work on boosting her levels of oxytocin,” says Dr John Gray, author of Why Mars and Venus Collide. “This ‘bonding’ chemical will make her feel closer to you, and the easiest way to boost it is by complimenting her.”

Want to add more chemicals to the amorous cocktail? “Sugar raises her levels of serotonin,” says nutritionist Melanie Flower. So grab the cocktail menu, and look for something chocolatey. “Hull York Medical School found chocolate raises serotonin levels and contains phenylethylamine (PEA) – responsible for attraction,” says Green. “University of Sussex studies confirm chocolate makes women aroused, which she’ll put down to being with you.”

A bad first kiss reduces your chances of getting sex by 50 percent.

2 first date

Your reaction She walks in to the bar and your stomach drops like you’re on a roller-coaster. “Seeing her causes a PEA rush,” says Green. “This manifests itself as ‘butterflies’ and tingling hands.”

Her reaction “First-date nerves pump you both with the stress hormone cortisol,” says Green. “Too much of it can shut down nonessential functions such as sex drive and hunger.” So if she’s pushing food round her plate, you could be getting the push later.

Better loving through chemistry US studies at Lafayette College found kissing reduces cortisol and boosts bonding oxytocin, so give her a peck on the cheek. And, according to research at Stony Brook University in the US, just a little nervousness can actually increase attraction. “People are more likely to feel aroused when they’re nervous,” says researcher Dr Arthur Aron. “And you tag that arousal to the person sitting in front of you.” “You can also increase her PEA levels through eye contact,” says Cox. “Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin found couples who are in love look at each other 75 percent of the time when talking. Mimic this and her brain will associate you with love.”

Men need five dates to fall in love; women need 10

3. first kiss

Your reaction By now we’re talking about the real thing, not a peck. You only get one, so make it count. “The first kiss involves a complex information exchange,” says University of Albany evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup. University of California studies show men prefer kisses to be wetter and with more tongue than women. This could be because a man’s saliva contains testosterone, which increases a woman’s desire.

Her reaction “Women subconsciously judge your genetic compatibility, using clues like taste, breath and body odour. A bad first kiss makes her 50 percent less likely to have sex with you,” says Gallup.

Better loving through chemistry Signal to her that you’re more than just a one-night stand. Scientists at Ruhr University of Bochum in Germany found tilting your head to the right while kissing means you’re perceived as being more caring. Also, don’t suck mints: the University of Albany in the US found that any odour can be interpreted as disease. Go for green tea, instead. Studies by the University of British Columbia in Vancouver found it was the best way to kill off bacteria that cause your breath to stink. Plus, it doesn’t smell strongly.

4. first time you have sex

Your reaction Things change quite dramatically once the deed is done: “Dopamine levels drop dramatically in men,” says Marnia Robinson, author of Peace Between the Sheets, “causing you to lose sexual desire and actually find her less attractive.” What you really want to do at this point is snooze. “Oxytocin, serotonin and prolactin released after orgasm encourage sleep,” says Mark Leyner, co-author of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex.

Her reaction “During sex, oxytocin and vasopressin are released, hormones associated with bonding, commitment and trust,” says Dr Barry Gibb of University College London, and author of The Rough Guide To the Brain. But there’s a twist. “Oestrogen increases oxytocin’s effects, while testosterone decreases them,” says Susan Kuchinskas, author of Love Chemistry. “After one night of sex, a woman will feel much more bonded than a man.”

Better loving through chemistry “Forcing yourself to stay in close contact after sex – think post-coital cuddle – boosts your oxytocin levels as they’re elevated by touch,” says Green. This counteracts the drop in dopamine, making you more inclined to bond, satisfying her emotional needs and upping your chances of a repeat performance.

5. you’ve said those three little words...

Your reaction A survey by UK dating company Parship says by date five you’re head over heels. “Men fall in love almost twice as quickly as women,” says psychiatrist Dr Victoria Lukats. But you’re not all romance. “For men, love looks more like lust, with extra brain activity in areas associated with arousal. Your dopamine levels also rise, boosting energy and mood,” says Dr Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, New Jersey. But University of Pisa studies found that your testosterone levels drop 40 percent: nature’s way of stopping you straying.

Her reaction She’s not sure. The Parship survey found that women need 10 dates before falling in love. “The brains of women in love show activity in emotional areas,” says Fisher. “And in memory regions. So past behaviour is obviously a factor.”

Better loving through chemistry “Little things score big: take out the rubbish, wash up, hug her – it’ll make her feel loved,” says Gray. And use her focus on memories. “Remind her of nice things you’ve done,” says Green. “When she’s at work, email her a photo of you both on a day out.” Just make sure it’s not of that time you convinced her a guided tour of the Sutherland Observatory would be a great “bonding” experience.

3 questions that lead to intimacy

1. “What’s the craziest thing you can see yourself doing?”

Knowing that you’re curious about her goals and aspirations makes her feel special. And getting her to confide her dreams makes her think of risk, excitement and a little danger. “All these thoughts activate adrenaline and increase sexual desire,” says sex coach Danielle Cavallucci.

2. “What are your recurring dreams?”

This is a great question to gauge where you are with her, says sex therapist Eric Garrison. Watch her body language when she answers. If she says she always dreams that she’s in a play and doesn’t know her lines, and then crosses her arms, back off a bit. Crossed arms are closed emotional doors. Ask her what she thinks the dream means, as you open up your posture and invite her answer. To keep the conversation more fun than Freud, watch her facial expression. “Eyebrows up conveys non-threatening curiosity – sexy,” says Garrison. “Eyebrows down conveys judgement – scary.”

3. “What’s the biggest thing your parents didn’t understand about you?”

Questions like this are dating gold. “You’re sending the message that you’ll go beyond the obvious when connecting with her,” says psychologist Dr Marianne Brandon. This suggests you might be similarly open sexually, which is hot.

Regular sex leads to improved health

1.Bolster your immune system. You’ll experience a spike in immunoglobulin A, an antibody that can fight off respiratory and
stomach infections

2.Cut your prostate cancer risk. The more you ejaculate, the more carcinogens you’ll flush out of your sex gland, say Australian researchers.

3.Halve your risk of a fatal heart attack. Sex causes a surge in testosterone, a hormone that helps protect your heart from stress.

4.Ignite your fat burners. During a passionate bout of sex, men use 143 muscles and torch as many kilojoules as during a 15-minute jog.

5.De-stress your mind After orgasm, your body releases oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a natural antianxiety drug.

Turn your bed into a red-hot lust zone

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