Use these win-win strategies to bring out the tigress in her.
Oral
Think of a continuum: to the one side are the Victorians, who used penis rings to stop young boys from masturbating, and on the other are the Bonobo chimps, who smooth social interactions by engaging in rampant sex. Where would you place your mate on this continuum – Victorian or Bonobo? If you’d like to unleash her inner beast then it’s time to figure out her hang-ups – and how to overcome them. Hopefully, the next time there’s a tussle over the last slice of pizza, she will resolve the conflict the Bonobo way.
1 SHE DOESN’T LIKE HER BODY“Tons of women have body-image issues,” says Dr Claire Rockliffe-Fidler, a psychosexual therapist in private practice in Cape Town. And the media is largely to blame. Check out any movie, magazine or newspaper: they’re dripping with drop-dead gorgeous women. We all know those pictures are the result of clever lighting, photo retouching and other tricks of the trade, but on a subliminal level many women feel they don’t match up. As a result, they feel inhibited to shed their clothes and abuse your body the way you like it. Strategy Make her feel good about herself so she’s able to relax into intimacy, says Rockliffe-Fidler. That’s not just about telling her she looks good. It’s also about showing her that you’re attracted to her (and not just during sex). Try a well-timed wolf whistle when she enters the room or maintain eye contact during a conversation while you smooth a strand of hair behind her ear. Reward If she’s comfortable in her skin, she won’t have to suck in her tummy when she’s on top or cringe when you do it doggie-style. Special tip If she’s too self-conscious naked, do it with some of her clothes on. It’s wildly sexy to push her skirt just high enough or fondle her breasts while she keeps her bra on.
2 SHE DOESN’T LIKE GIVING ORAL SEX
If she doesn’t enjoy giving you oral sex, it is possibly because she dislikes the look and taste of semen or is afraid that your penis will stimulate her gag reflex, explains Dr David Delvin, sex therapist and author of The Good Sex Guide. Strategy Pushing her head down during lovemaking isn’t going to solve the problem. Nor is making a big hoo-ha about the whole thing. Talk through any misconceptions she might have. Many women are unfamiliar with a man’s penis and its day-to-day rhythms; let her make friends with the big fella when he’s resting. Walk around naked or let her see you in the shower, not just when he wants to come out to play. Reward She won’t fall pregnant. Special tip If she does make the trip down under, make sure you reward her efforts with appreciative moans.
Big O
3 SHE WON’T ADMIT TO ANY FANTASIES
It may be easy for you to come up with a different fantasy for every day of the week, but she may be having more diffi culty stocking up her erotic library. Dr Andrew Stanway, clinician and author of The Joy of Sexual Fantasy, says that many people – especially women – experience guilt about their sexual fantasies. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have them; it just means that their imaginations sanitise and package them in a way that is more acceptable to them. So what do high-guilt women fantasise about? Being dominated by a man who finds them irresistible, explains Stanway. Their fantasies tend to involve faceless lovers and are generally less vivid than women whose sex-guilt levels are lower.
Strategy Let her read the sexual fantasies of other women. Try What Turns Us On by Iris and Steven Finz; Women On Top by Nancy Friday or Sex Fantasies By Women For Women by Lisa Sussman. Reward Fantasy is a great sex aid. Perhaps she imagines a good spanking or a threesome... whatever gets her going works towards her arousal during foreplay and
penetration, explains Stanway. Special tip Nancy Friday, the author of a variety of books on fantasy – both male and female – advises against asking her directly whether she has fantasies, as all you’re likely to hear is “I don’t know” or “no”. Rather make a more general comment, such as: “Apparently women tend to fantasise that the men they’re having sex with are faceless.” Then ask whether she agrees with this. You’ve now opened up a discussion.
4 SHE DOESN’T KNOW HER OWN BUTTONS
“I see couples in their thirties, many of whom have had sex with few other partners, in which the women know very little about their own responses and capacity for pleasure,” says New York sex therapist Joy Davidson, author of Fearless Sex, on www.msnbc.com. Strategy This is a time you definitely want to stop for directions. Ask her: “Does it turn you on if I do this? And now?” Let her tell you how her body is responding. That way, she’ll be forced to assess what it feels like for her. Reward Once she’s mapped her body’s hot spots, next time around she’ll reach her destination easier and even quicker.
Special tip Encourage her to use a vibrator, with or without you. She’s sure to climax and know what her body feels like at various arousal levels, including the Big O.
Touch
5 SHE DOESN’T LIKE RECEIVING ORAL SEX
“We all know the vagina isn’t exactly the most attractive body part, but it’s worth lying through your teeth. Even the most sexually secure woman gets paranoid sometimes about whether she looks, smells or tastes okay,” says Tracey Cox, author of The Sex Doctor. Many women feel inhibited about the appeal of their sex organs. Here’s one giveaway: how many women do you know with pet names for their vaginas? “Many women think they’re ugly and have never even looked at this part of their body,” says Rockliffe-Fidler. That’s the equivalent of not knowing what your penis looks like. Strategy Have a sexy bath or shower together before making out; now she knows she’s spotless all over. Light some scented candles in the bathroom, put on some music and score double points for being romantic. When you’re down there, tell her how exciting you find her vagina, advises Rockliffe-Fidler. Tell her that her natural scent drives you wild. Reward If you lived in Australia between 2001 and 2002, you may have been one of the approximately 19 000 people who were asked about their last sexual encounter during a national telephone survey. Of interest were your activities: vaginal, oral, anal and/or manual, and whether you had an orgasm. The findings were published in the Journal of Sex Research. The results? Among others, the researchers found that “women were more likely to reach orgasm in encounters including cunnilingus”. Science has never been sexier! Special tip Reinforce the allure of her sweet spot by showing her. “Lick your fingers with relish after touching her,” says Cox. “At the time, she may go, ‘yuck, that’s gross’, but secretly she’ll be pleased.” Come on, you’ll probably enjoy it too.
6 SHE’S TOO CONSERVATIVE
Who else is in the bed with her, causing her to clam up? Unfortunately, we’re not talking about her best friend or her sexy sister, but her parents. ’Fraid so. Her mom’s there
somewhere, and so is her dad. They’re in her head, but that doesn’t mean they’re not having a direct effect on her sexual pleasure. “We’re all products of the generation before, and your parents’ attitude to sex heavily influences what you’ll think about it,” says Cox. If her mother was more likely to spend the evenings knitting, what can you do to ensure the pattern’s not repeated? Strategy Find out what it was like for her growing up. Did family members walk around naked? Did she regard her parents as sexually active? Gently challenge some of her thoughts, especially those that involve a “should” or a “should not”. Ask her how she would like to raise her own children when it comes to sex education. Reciprocate with stories from your childhood. If her views seem to cause her distress and make her anxious, gently suggest that she talks to a therapist about them. Reward Exposing our vulnerabilities steps up emotional intimacy; emotional intimacy
paves the way for sensual lovemaking. Special tip If you’re both feeling close and loving, try these tips for romantic sex:
1. Maintain eye contact during the entire erotic encounter – it’s wildly intimate.
2. Give yourself oodles of time to slowly explore your lover’s body. Let her excitement bubble, not boil over.
3. Touch those parts of her that you don’t usually: her eyelids (tip: make sure her eyes are closed first), cheekbones, the contours of her lips, the base of her spine, behind her knees. Vary the pressure of your touch, from light trailing fingers or lips to much harder. This builds sexual tension.
4. If you’re giving her a sensual massage, keep one hand on her body at all times, this helps to keep the two of you constantly physically connected.
Senses
7 SHE WANTS THE LIGHTS OFFYou want to see it all, but she’s under the covers in a second, with the bedside lamp off in two. What’s a man to do? Strategy Delvin advises a gradual progression: from romantic candlelight to a sidelight with a coloured or normal bulb. If you’re making love during the day, use the same principle: slowly increase the amount of light in the room by fi rst keeping the curtains closed and then gradually opening them a crack. Understand that this inhibition is likely to stem from her insecurity about her body. Flatter her body shape and don’t ogle other women in her presence. Reward It’s a well-known fact that men are visually aroused – the shapely curve of her bottom, the gentle roundness of her breast... need we say more? Special tip If she’s willing to try a blindfold, the sensory deprivation may make her other senses more sensitive. Plus, she won’t be able to see the light – and the power play of being blindfolded may get her really hot.
8 SHE DOESN’T PLEASURE HERSELF
There are two groups of women: those who admit to masturbating and those who don’t (admit to it). Just kidding. There are indeed women who don’t know how to bring themselves off or, if they do know how, are reluctant to, especially if their partners are watching. Psychological Bulletin found that 92 percent of men are likely to masturbate, compared with a paltry 58 percent of women. Here’s what you should do to get her pleasuring herself, preferably in your company. Strategy If she’s shy to masturbate in front of you, tell her it’s one of your hottest fantasies and it would bring you much pleasure. Ask her if it would turn her on and help her feel less inhibited if you touched yourself at the same time – some women love to watch a man bringing himself off. If she’s never masturbated before – and this is highly unlikely – ask her why not. She may believe that touching herself is shameful or dirty (in which case, proceed as with hang-up six). Also, buy her Sex Matters For Women – A Complete Guide To Taking Care of Your Sexual Self by Sally Foley, Sally Kope and Dennis Sugrue. She needs to educate herself about her body.
Reward It’s seriously hot to watch a woman turn herself on. Also, if she’s familiar with how her body climaxes through masturbation, she can do it while you penetrate her – double the fun for all. Special tip If she’s struggling to climax, suggest a different position. There are as many positions for masturbation as there are for sex. She could try lying face down and straddling something – a pillow, bunched-up blankets, your leg. Or perhaps she needs to think about using a vibrator.
Dirty
9 SHE WON’T TALK DIRTY
Struggling to name both her and your body parts makes it difficult to say what she wants or would like to do to you, says Delvin. Many people grow up with a limited sexual vocabulary comprising baby words (it’s probably true that calling your manhood a “willy” won’t drive you wild), school-playground expressions and proper medical terms. Strategy Ask her what she would like you to call her vagina. Give her some options, from cute to dirty. Tell her how you like to refer to your penis. Use the words during sex. For example, “I want to touch your...” or “Will you touch my...?” It’s important that you show no embarrassment. Through your example, she’ll lose some of her shyness. Reward Naming each other’s body parts can be sexually thrilling for both of you. Special tip Take it to new heights by bringing in power play. Make her submit by begging you to touch her there. Let her dominate by commanding that you lick her right there, right now – and make sure you lick her properly while you’re at it.
10 SHE’S SHY ABOUT HER HISTORYMen tend to overestimate the number of sex partners they’ve had, whereas women underestimate. “Men report two to four times as many lifetime opposite-sex partners as women,” claims a study in The Journal of Sex Research. One of the explanations for this phenomenon is that men inflate their sexual histories and women under-report. Alternative explanations claim that men and women use different estimation strategies. Either way, women may be reluctant to share their true sexual history with a new partner for fear of being thought of as loose or a slut. Strategy Make it clear that what happened before the two of you met is in the past and that you won’t judge her for past sexual exploits. Mean what you say. Reward She’s experienced; she knows how to make her body tick and yours explode. Just think about it: if you’re the boss of a company, would you rather employ someone who’s done the job before or a complete novice? Special tip Don’t constantly quiz her about previous lovers. If she’s with you, and your sex life is rocking, trust what you’re experiencing. A bit of sexual jealousy might add spice to your relationship but a bucket of the stuff will surely drown the two of you.
