Simple phrases to reignite her passion.
Let these simple phrases unlock a woman’s heart and reignite her passion
Relationships are funny things: one partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And, more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more – more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgement that you’re committed to her happiness.
The reason is simple: when it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants and men are like cacti. According to psychiatrist Dr Scott Haltzman, the average woman speaks 7 000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2 000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues or the electronic image of Naas Botha. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.
Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist Dr John Gottman of the University of Washington’s Relationship Research Institute and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict the likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation”. A five-to-one ratio of positive comments to negative ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that suggests trouble ahead.
A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more and be more open with your emotions. However, telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximise the communication you do have – to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart, and a few other intimate places as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.
“I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds, but the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbour goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage, and that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2 000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: 46 percent responded, “Knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album, they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.
“I understand how important this is to you.”
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Dr Mark Elliott, director of the US Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health. One of the ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into action every time she expresses concern about something, a common male default. Instead of saying, “Here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations of how much you respect her.
“Let me tell you how my presentation went.”
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear, “Fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximise the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realised I was right.” According to Dr Les Parrott, author of Love Talk, “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you.”
“Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow.Tonight should just be about us.”
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.
“I’ve been fantasising about making you feel good.”
Here’s a shocker: when it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a US survey of 85 men and 77 women, aged 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said they fantasised about pleasing their partners, while more than half of the women fantasised about their own pleasure. “Women focus on themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is prioritised,” says study author Dr Eileen Zubriggan. Key in to her fantasy; let her know that her wish is your command.
“Put the fourteenth on your calendar; I’m taking you away.”
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Dr Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: a recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the six days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting two weeks after she begins her period and subtracting two days.
“I’ll run you a bath.”
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “A few minutes of foreplay aren’t enough.” After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.
“You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids.”
A study at Purdue University found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live together. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other,” explains Dr Mary Carole Pistole, an associate professor of counselling psychology at the university. To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a mini-holiday away from you.
“I adore your freckles.”
To feel sexy, a woman has to feel beautiful. “Women get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love. “You look beautiful” is fine, but follow up by complimenting her on something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other woman in the room.
“I think it’ll be fun if you don’t use your hands.”
When you’re on solid ground and want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A survey of 2 000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. “Don’t imply that you want this because sex has grown stale,” says Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”
“Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos.”
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share – whether it’s a birth date, a passion for Japanese architecture or your favourite holiday spot – will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: implicit egotism. It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.
“I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry.”
In a study of 3 500 people, researchers at the University of California found that men who performed the most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again, women react to verbal cues: it helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever you feel the urge to wash, dry or fold.
“The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from crèche.”
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority said they admired the men who took heroic risks, but weren’t impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. “A woman wants a mate who’s going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author Dr William Farthing.
