Be her do-right man

A guide to common bedroom mistakes made by men. With, of course, gentle corrections.

You know how public pools post lists of unacceptable behaviour? Don’t run, don’t dive, don’t vomit a fillet steak and a bottle of Cabernet Franc into our brand-new filtration system. Be assured that this is the last time I will ever liken my vagina to a public pool, but I’ve always thought how great it would be to post something similar in my own bedroom. Look, we love that you love having sex with us, and we love having sex with you, too. But sometimes you do things that we don’t like. Weird things. Things that you think are going to make us groan with gratitude and pleasure but really make us want to roll over and turn on the TV. Luckily, these mistakes generally result not from lack of skill but from wrong information. You can easily unlearn them. Remember: I probably know what I like better than you do. And if I had a bedroom sign, this is how it might read.

DO NOT ASK, "WHAT DO YOU LIKE?"
the first time we have sex. It's our third date. Okay, so maybe it's only the second, or maybe we just met in an elevator. At any rate, we're making out. Pants are coming off, eyes are smouldering. You ask this question and, bam... the magic is gone. First, I am embarrassed.

I may have been ready to have sex, but not so up for talking about it! Second, I feel pressured to provide a provocative answer, something involving toys or systematic humiliation, but the only thing I can think of to say is, "Well, Steve, I suppose I like manual and oral stimulation followed by intercourse resulting in my eventual orgasm." Finally, I am annoyed. Are you trying to sound sexy, wild, open to anything? Because if you are, won't I eventually discover that?

DO...
ask questions later. Questions help an ongoing sexual relationship move forward. They slow a new one down.

DO NOT STICK YOUR TONGUE IN MY EAR
The innocent, unfortunate ear (a) is a semi-discreet spot, (b) is a hole and (c) has folds. For these reasons, it has been ill-defined as a major erogenous zone. This is one of the great misperceptions in the history of Western civilisation.

DO...
tread lightly. I'm not saying never go for the ear. Just not every time. When you do, the ear is to be kissed gently, maybe licked on the edges, or nibbled with restraint. Then you can leave it alone. It's an ear.

DO NOT TRY TO STUFF YOUR SEMI-HARD PENIS INSIDE MY VAGINA
I understand: you're hoping it will get harder once it's in. Or you're thinking that if you act like everything's fine, then everything will be fine. Or maybe you're treating your penis like a stubborn teenager - you're going to show him who's boss and send him to his room. The only thing more humiliating than stuffing a flaccid penis inside someone is being stuffed by a flaccid penis. In this one wretched act, we can feel all of your fear, desperation and insecurity, concentrated in the precise place where you want us to feel something else.

DO...
anything but this. Kiss. Watch The OC. Order a pizza. Unless it's a recurring problem requiring medical or psychiatric attention, it's not a big deal. Really.

DO NOT REACH FOR MY CLITORIS
if you are in a position that is unsuitable for such a connection. Like when I'm clearly enjoying whatever we're doing. Or, say, if you're in the lounge watching TV and I'm in the kitchen making brisket. Such persistence is not admirable; it's annoying. It's good that you know clitoral stimulation is important. Now you need to know that if it's not done right - the right angle and pressure, the right motion - then it doesn't feel good, and it may even hurt.

DO...
ask. It might help to take her hand and say, "Show me what you like here". Then you can follow the motion of her hand, or she can guide yours until you've fi gured it out. In certain positions, a woman just doesn't want stimulation there, or prefers to do it herself.

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS
Having sex with a guy who shaves his balls is like riding a horse with a saddle made of broken glass. If you are going to shave, you're going to have to do it regularly. Say, every half hour.

DO...
embrace your hairiness. Unless you come up with a dignifi ed solution - and they are expensive - try to accept your body hair. You're a guy. Your greatgreat- grandfather was a gorilla.

DO NOT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
about ejaculating too fast, losing your erection or not being able to get one. An occasionally temperamental penis is no cause for alarm - but a guy who freaks out about it is. (If you make a big deal about it, we'll start to think maybe it really is a big deal.) Conversely, it's also not a good idea to act as if nothing happened, because, well, that is just bull, and that never flies.

DO...
acknowledge it, then laugh it off. The guy who says, "Wow, I usually only last for fi ve seconds, so that was a record" or "Gee, I guess those amazing anti-erection pills I got online are working" - that's the kind of guy who makes us want to try again. Later.

Take her for a ride

The five best techniques for action in motion.

1. Stick her into gear Research by Holiday Cars shows that one in five customers hires a car just to try out the suspension. If you don’t want to be caught out by an eagle-eyed traffic cop, go somewhere secluded, and get the windows steamed before you really get down to it. “Push the passenger seat back and have her lie down flat on it,” says sex therapist Dr Michael Seiler. “Straddle her, using the seat for support. She can go on top if she is much smaller than you, but be careful, if she tumbles off the seat, somebody could get hurt.” Especially at 140km.

2. Take her to new heights Having sex at 30 000 feet is illegal. But if you can’t resist joining the mile high club, your best time to try is either straight after take-off, or 15 minutes into the film – when the least passengers will be milling around. Get seats at the back and then have her head for the bathroom. Wait two minutes then follow her. “Once you are in, place her hands on the wall as if you are going to frisk her. Pull her hips back and enter her,” says R Don Steele,author of Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship and Dating. To get away, you should feign illness, while she does sick-bag duty. Genius.

3. Elevate your sex drive “People often make lift fantasies come true in hotels,” says Patricia Love, author of Hot Monogamy. One of you needs to keep your thumb on the “doors close” button. Hit stop when you are between floors. You’ll have about three minutes before people start prying. For a truly private session find a goods lift – they won’t have a camera.

SEX FACTS 68 Percentage of people who have had sex in a car. One in 10 say they had even got busy while driving. Six percent said they had damaged their vehicles while getting busy – but only one in 100 of these were bold enough to claim on their insurance. Source: www.ananova.com

4. Enter the tunnel Trains can be risky, but the fear of getting caught should heighten your senses and make the frisky business all that more exciting. “It will focus you on the sexual experience,” says sexologist Carol McQueen. Get tickets for a night train, and enjoy your breakfast in bed.

5. Float her boat Grab your lilo and head for the sea. Aim for the sunset – not only is it romantic, but there will be fewer prying eyes on the shore. “You can play under the surface, which adds tension,” says clinical sexologist Gloria Brame. Have her lie on her front across the middle of the lilo and take her from behind. Bring some silicone-based lube that won’t wash off in your exploits.

Coping with STDs

The syphilised man by Ron Geraci.
How to broach the subject of your partners' sexual history.

My second-favourite boxers were at my knees. “Look at that,” I said to Dr Brudersky. He turned my snake with a latexed finger, then retrieved a magnifying glass that looked like a Sherlock Holmes prop. “Mmm... that,” he said, eyeing the marble-sized, sandpapered red patch that my penis had sprouted four days before. “That’s nothing. A little trauma.”

“Trauma from what?” “You tell me,” he said. “I’ve never seen that before,” I pleaded. I questioned him about the opposites of best-case scenarios. He mentioned herpes, then scoffed the way doctors scoff when they send patients home with apple-sized brain tumours.

“Come back in two weeks if it’s still there. I’m fairly sure it’s nothing.” I leant towards him. “Swear on the baby Christ,” I demanded.

I’ve been terrified of STDs since my first run-in with them in 1977. Mr Jeffers, the perm-and-headband-wearing biology teacher, taught the first sexeducation class for boys in our school. Lacking a filmstrip that showed weeping genital ulcers, Jeffers gave his own, graphic explanation of VD: peeing burns. Sores on your thingy. Scarred for life. Women can get it and give it to their babies.

“I’ve got VD!” I wailed.

I tugged on his lime green velour tracksuit. “How does a girl get it?” I asked tentatively. His weak smile turned devilish. “By having sex too many times.”

Walking home, I made neurotic computations of my mother’s tally. Me. My brother. Two sisters. God knew how many other times. A block from home I realised it burnt when I pissed. I bit my forearm in terror, ran the last block and slammed myself upstairs. Seeing my unusual devastation before dinner, my mother questioned me until I finally broke.

“I’ve got VD!” I wailed.

She paused and leant back. She wanted to know how I got it. My face turned to fury. What nerve! I cocked my finger like a .357. “I got it from you!”

She blinked a few times. Then she asked for details of the crime. I pointed to the photos on our piano, then to my dad reading obliviously in the kitchen. “That’s four right there,” I spat. “And he said you get it from having sex too many times.” My mother put her palms into her eye sockets. “Not with the same person!” she screamed, rattling knickknacks.

Escaping the whole villainous lot - from chlamydia to Aids - has been 10 percent smarts and 90 percent dumb luck. I know that. But at 32, I can’t blow the perfect game now. Who could have given me herpes? I smouldered as I went over the list. Delia? Those three moronic romps with Hayley? Good God... Teri? Maybe it was a long-fused bomb from Tracy, that waitress from the pizza takeaway 16 years ago. After my night with her, I remember my 75-year-old dad, in his slippers, pushing open the bathroom door at 5am to find me scrubbing my penis with the cat’s flea shampoo. He cursed inaudibly and shuffled back into his room, likely figuring the road ahead would require more heel leather than he had left.

The night of my doctor’s visit, Teri came over. She was tearing at a pizza. “We’ve never talked about... a few important things,” I said. She bit into a slice. “Like?” Like the humorous little issues of what we might have done with whom,and if we might still need pills or creams for it, I suggested. “I thought we said we were both healthy.”

I explained that our seven-second talk while straddling the ottoman on date four wasn’t exactly full disclosure. She agreed. She asked how many women I’ve had sex with. I did trigonometry in the air. I mumbled a number. It wasn’t quite the legal drinking age. “That’s not... bad,” she replied. “You?” I said. “A couple more.” Her mouth wavered. “Maybe... double yours. Plus a few.” My beer glass started sliding through my fingers. My expression was not controllable. A violent argument ensued. “What, you want me to get tested?” she exploded. “As if that’s even your place to ask. Ever thought that maybe I want you to get tested!”

“I’ll get tested,” I said calmly. “And I think I actually do have the right to... Teri, that’s not what I mean. I just wish we’d talked abou-”

“Walk me to the door,” she ordered.“Teri, I am not saying you’re... promiscuous, for God’s sake,” I said softly.

“That’s what it felt like,” she said. “And I have no ammunition to retaliate against that.” We went downstairs without a word and I watched her car speed off down the road. Something bad just happened, thought. I still don’t know what. I don’t care about how many men she’s slept with. At least, consciously, I don’t care.

She took my four phone calls but was terse. You get to a point where you can’t apologise anymore. Unheard regret and confusion start to fester in you and you can’t apologise even once more. You can sit dazed like you’ve caught shrapnel in the head, but the sorry talk and flowers are eventually done. Then, after that, maybe you hope a magazine subscription will budge something.

Brudersky’s office called on Tuesday to see if I still needed the follow-up appointment. I walked to the john. No red mark. I had no idea how long it had been gone.

Sex simplified

What to do, when to do it and how to turn it into the best sex you’ll ever have.

One of the best things about sex is the anticipation. The sense of wondering what will happen next, if she’ll want it as much as you do. The first date, the first kiss. The second date, an intoxicating night riddled with meaningful glances and “accidental” brushes up against each other until she’s driving home, leaving you feeling a little empty but also relieved that the inevitable has been postponed.

And now tonight, dinner at the Italian restaurant, her impatience visible as you settle the bill, the five steps up to her flat. Both of you on the couch, wine glasses half empty. The anticipation finally explodes in fireworks of laughter. Then you get busy – and the problems begin. There’s a tortured turning of heads, an awkward positioning of faces and mouths. Jaws circle. This isn’t working out, sitting next to each other kissing. Everything keeps getting in the way: shoulders, arms, collarbones. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier if you had a tongue like a chameleon. It doesn’t have to be so difficult. Next time, go down on one knee, and you’ll be able to turn and face her better, without breaking the kiss. Read on to find out how to simplify your sex life in a few more easy moves.

Where should I put my hands when we kiss?

There is a natural magnetism that pulls your hands towards her breasts. This is perfectly understandable, but a schoolboy error. Rein yourself in. It’s too soon. So where should your hands go? Not on her shoulders – unless you want her to feel as though she’s kissing her gran. And not her butt, either. That’s just too lecherous. Rather slow down. Scout out the territory. While your mouths play, gently put one hand on her cheek, as if you want to check that she’s for real. Rest the other lightly on her knee.

How do I undress while sitting or lying?

It’s a dilemma: how do you get from clothed to naked when you’re sitting or lying down without giving an impromptu contortionist’s performance? No matter what anyone says, having sex with your jeans stuck around your ankles is less than dignified. The solution: both of you get up and undress each other. Aim for a blend of speed and elegance in your movements. You don’t want to grind the proceedings to a halt by taking five minutes to neatly fold all your clothes before hopping into bed, but neither do you want to anger her by ripping her R900 Diesel T-shirt in your haste to get to those glorious breasts (even if it looks torn already). If you really don’t want to stand up to disrobe, rather lie down flat and wriggle out of your clothes. You can’t take off a pair of jeans while sitting. The most important thing to remember is: don’t pretend you don’t want to undress her. You’re not 16 any more, and neither is she (we hope). Pretending to undress her by accident is just plain embarrassing. Rather celebrate the act of getting naked.

Where can I put my arm when I’m lying on my side?

The advantage of lying on your side is that her entire body is in easy reach. The problem is, you have two arms. Where should you put the other one? If you lie on it, it will fall asleep. You could tuck your forearm under your head, but you may elbow her in the face if you aren’t careful. If you fold it in front of you, you look like a chop with your arm in a sling.

And stretching it upwards just looks stupid. A better idea: put it around her waist. That’s what that little curve between her ribs and hips is for. Not only will there be less pressure on your arm, your hand will also be well positioned to grab or knead her butt.

Penetrating question: how do I shoot for the goal in the dark?

No mammal has eyes right next to its genitals, so she won’t be expecting you to aim for the goal from five paces – in the dark – and score on the first try. She’s expecting you to use your hands and fingers to feel your way around a little first. For her, it’s all part of the fun. For you, it’s mapping the territory. When the time comes to move beyond fingers and on to other appendages, get yourself in position and, using one hand, rub the head of your penis through her moist bareness. Your path lies where the heat is highest, the way wettest and the resistance lowest.

How should I touch my partner while we’re having sex?

It can be difficult to position yourself so that you have a free hand to touch her when you’re already balancing on top of her and thrusting with vigour. The question is: are you sure you have to? After all, you’re already touching her rhythmically, with an item of not irrelevant size, in her most sensitive parts. That will be where her attention is focused. Unless you can somehow free up a hand without breaking pace (see “Should I balance on my hands or elbows?”), forget about caressing her. Rather stick with what is working. Bottom line is, if she wants to be touched during intercourse, she should be on top.

Should I balance on my hands or elbows?

Women hate it when men lie on them with their full weight – and who wouldn’t? It’s difficult to surrender to pleasure when you’re fighting to breathe. But she doesn’t want you balancing on your hands and hovering a metre above her, either. Proximity is good. A good middle ground is to prop yourself up on your elbows. This takes most of your weight off her while maintaining skin-to-skin contact. That said, don’t be scared to rest your weight on her for short periods of time in order to free up your hands for some play. Touch her head, her butt, her breasts. Put your fingers in her mouth so she can lick them. She won’t realise that you are not supporting your weight any more. She’ll marvel at how you seem to manage to have your hands everywhere.

How do we change positions mid-coitus?

You’re on top, she’s on the bottom, and it’s time to switch places. Rearranging yourself without separating during sex is an art form. It may be tempting to throw yourself on your back and simply hoist her over you, but this is not a wrestling match – and chances are you’ll pop out or, worse, cause yourself serious damage. It may also work for her to straighten her legs next to yours, but here again you run the risk of coming out. The solution: lift your torso a little (as though doing a push-up), keeping yourself propped up on one hand while remaining joined at the hip (er... you know what we mean). Use the other hand to support her while she “sits” up by holding on to your shoulders. Slide your knees around under her butt. She should now be sitting on your lap. From here, you can switch places with her or, if you’re a home-baked kind of guy, pick her up and relocate to the kitchen table.

How can we climax at the same time?

You probably won’t, so don’t even try. In fact, since it’s your first time together, it’s unlikely she will get there at all – she’ll be way too nervous. And the last thing you want is for her to get bored and fake it, just to get you to stop. If both of you realise that simultaneous climax (or any climax at all) is unlikely the first time around, you will be able to stop chasing your mythical mutual orgasm and just enjoy the time you have together. You will have more opportunities to try again later – like in half an hour. If you’ve come and she still wants more, just stay inside and let her do her thing. She knows best how to get there. And if she comes before you, give yourself a pat on the back.

The secret language of sex

Simple phrases to reignite her passion.

Let these simple phrases unlock a woman’s heart and reignite her passion

Relationships are funny things: one partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And, more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more – more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgement that you’re committed to her happiness.

The reason is simple: when it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants and men are like cacti. According to psychiatrist Dr Scott Haltzman, the average woman speaks 7 000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2 000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues or the electronic image of Naas Botha. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.

Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist Dr John Gottman of the University of Washington’s Relationship Research Institute and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict the likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation”. A five-to-one ratio of positive comments to negative ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that suggests trouble ahead.

A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more and be more open with your emotions. However, telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximise the communication you do have – to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart, and a few other intimate places as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.

“I’m so glad we ended up together.”
Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds, but the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbour goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage, and that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2 000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: 46 percent responded, “Knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album, they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.

“I understand how important this is to you.”
Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Dr Mark Elliott, director of the US Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health. One of the ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into action every time she expresses concern about something, a common male default. Instead of saying, “Here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations of how much you respect her.

“Let me tell you how my presentation went.”
When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear, “Fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximise the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realised I was right.” According to Dr Les Parrott, author of Love Talk, “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you.”


“Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow.Tonight should just be about us.”
In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.

“I’ve been fantasising about making you feel good.”
Here’s a shocker: when it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a US survey of 85 men and 77 women, aged 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said they fantasised about pleasing their partners, while more than half of the women fantasised about their own pleasure. “Women focus on themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is prioritised,” says study author Dr Eileen Zubriggan. Key in to her fantasy; let her know that her wish is your command.

“Put the fourteenth on your calendar; I’m taking you away.”
Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle, suggests Dr Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: a recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the six days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting two weeks after she begins her period and subtracting two days.

“I’ll run you a bath.”
“Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual,” says Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “A few minutes of foreplay aren’t enough.” After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.

“You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids.”
A study at Purdue University found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live together. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other,” explains Dr Mary Carole Pistole, an associate professor of counselling psychology at the university. To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a mini-holiday away from you.


“I adore your freckles.”
To feel sexy, a woman has to feel beautiful. “Women get intimacy from words,” says anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love. “You look beautiful” is fine, but follow up by complimenting her on something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other woman in the room.

“I think it’ll be fun if you don’t use your hands.”
When you’re on solid ground and want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A survey of 2 000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. “Don’t imply that you want this because sex has grown stale,” says Elliott. “When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.”

“Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos.”
Reminding your wife of commonalities you share – whether it’s a birth date, a passion for Japanese architecture or your favourite holiday spot – will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: implicit egotism. It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.

“I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry.”
In a study of 3 500 people, researchers at the University of California found that men who performed the most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again, women react to verbal cues: it helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever you feel the urge to wash, dry or fold.

“The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from crèche.”
Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority said they admired the men who took heroic risks, but weren’t impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. “A woman wants a mate who’s going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her,” explains study author Dr William Farthing.

Smooth talker

Pickup lines that work, according to 100 women surveyed.

Here's what 100 women told us would work on themfor the one line that would make them melt, and here are five answers to improve your talent for talk

1. THE SEXY SECRETARY

“Your picture on the company website is disgusting.”

Marcia said: “That was the first thing my now-boyfriend said to me. He then immediately followed it up with ‘you’re a beautiful, sexy woman and it doesn’t do you justice’. The old ‘insult you then say a nice thing’ trick hardly ever fails. It’s surprising, it’s naughty and it implies he thinks you’re cool enough to be offended. Just don’t get the order the wrong way round, unless you’re after a slap.”

2. THE SEXY FRIEND

“I don’t want to sleep with you.”

Isobel said: “When it’s followed up with ‘I’d just like to hang out with you’, this works wonders. She’ll ask herself why you don’t want to sleep with her. All her insecurities run through her mind: is her bum too big? Her nose a little skew? Sure as can be, she will want to sleep with you just to prove to herself that she’s worth it.”

3. THE BLIND DATE

“I think you’re secretly a little mischievous.”

Katherine said: “You can’t go wrong with a good honest compliment. But never too superficial. Never talk about her figure, that’s slightly creepy. Face, clothes or hair is good. Or maybe a little curveball like ‘I think you’re secretly a little mischievous’ is unexpected, makes me feel special and has just the right element of ‘I think you would be great in bed’ in it.”

4. GIRL AT THE BAR

“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”

Lisa said: “Some slurring oaf with a half-eaten kebab for a shirt saying you’re the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on just makes you feel depressed. Even though ‘If I followed you home, would you keep me?’ is a little cheesy, that kind of spontaneous sense of humour can be the biggest aphrodisiac for a lot of single woman. It shows he’s confident and not afraid of making a fool of himself.”

5. LONG-TERM GIRLFRIEND

“I can’t wait to get you home.”

Ella said: “Whispered in the ear, this has the effect of saying to her: ‘Do you know how hard I’m finding it to concentrate without thinking of you naked, or what underwear you are, or aren’t wearing.’ And that makes you feel like the sexiest creature alive, which is hot. Of course, it’s a risky tactic on the first date.”

SEXUAL FACTOR

* In a 2005 study of 317 000 people from 41 countries, South Africans were shown to have sex on average 109 times a year. The global average is 103 times a year.

* The average sex session for South Africans lasts 20 minutes while the global average is 18 minutes.

_{Source: 2005 Durex Sex Survey www.durex.com}

Red-hot holidays

Take her where she has never been before, in more ways than one…

The two weeks my boyfriend and I spent together in Paris were exciting and memorable. But so were the two days we spent in his small hometown of Bathurst, in the Eastern Cape. You know, the home of the Bathurst Agricultural Museum.

See, when we’re truly into you, the destination is irrelevant. But you do have to think creatively about what you’re going to do with us while we’re there. I had fun in Bathurst not only because my guy was showing me where he grew up, but also because he planned quirky activities he knew I’d like – a hike out in the country, a stop at the Agricultural Museum.

My point: not every trip has to be all moonlit strolls and kisses by the Seine, but you do need to make an effort if you want her to enjoy travelling with you.

How, though? First, here’s what not to do. “Never, never ever plan a getaway to a place you’ve visited with a previous wife or girlfriend, especially when the relationship is new,” says Paris Permenter, co-editor of www.lovetripper.com, a blog about travel for couples. “No matter how hard you try to keep it to yourself, some comment about ‘last time’ will slip out.”

With that in mind, here are four excursions guaranteed to make you both happy.

1 The wing-and-a-prayer road trip

Best for A love life stuck in neutral that needs some adventure to rev it up.

Game plan Pack her weekend bag, pick her up after work and surprise her with a loosely charted road trip. Give your route a regional theme – beaches, say, if you’re heading along the Garden Route, vineyards if you’re in the Western Cape. Then just plug your points-of-interest category into a GPS and go where the road and the gadget take you (check out www.gpswaypoints.co.za for some ideas, like shipwrecks).

“The key is not to plan down to the nth degree,” says Dr Ian Kerner, a sex and relationships counsellor and the author of She Comes First. “The fun part is figuring it out together and making it about the surprises along the way.”

Destination Pick whatever looks interesting within half a day’s drive. As soon as you hit a town you want to explore, find a room – think upscale B&B, not unsexy generic hotel chain – so you don’t spend the rest of the day looking for a bed.

The best way to get a competitive rate for your overnight stay is to phone ahead, even if it’s from across the street. “That’s your best shot at a bargain,” says Rob Sangster, the author of Traveler’s Tool Kit. “If the B&B owner doesn’t hook you right then, he or she knows you’ll go elsewhere.” If you walk in, he explains, the owner will know you’re likely to stay no matter what the price.

What she’ll like The surprise factor, your spontaneity and your thoughtfulness. “Offer to buy anything you forgot to pack,” says Dr Diana Kirschner, author of Love In 90 Days. “When men take care of every detail, it really opens up their partner’s gratitude and is a turn-on sexually.”

2 The business-with-pleasure trip

Best for When you’re both so busy with work you barely see each other any more.

Game plan “Couples often drift apart when they’re both working hard,” says Kirschner. The next time you schedule a business trip, see if she can take a couple of days off to join you at the tail end. Book her a day at the spa and then hook up with her after your meetings. “Pretend you two are having an affair and meet for dinner,” says Pat Love, co-author of How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. “Flirt with each other. Then head back to the bedroom.”

Destination She’ll be game if the location is a major city, a resort or a beach. Nice bedding (fluffy goose-down duvet with Egyptian-cotton covers, not nasty knitted bedspread) is an absolute must.

What she’ll like You’re showing her that she’s an important part of your life and that you want to spend time with her even when you have other obligations, says Love. That said, if the only holiday you two ever take is also your annual office retreat, she’ll assume (correctly) that you’re a cheap bastard and/or an inattentive lover.

3 The sexy overnighter

Best for When you can’t remember the last time you got naked together, or you’re just bored with your bedroom routine.

Game plan Book a room at a nearby hotel as a date night, suggests Kerner. “It takes you away from your home environment and the physical and visual cues that stimulate stress,” says Love.

Destination Avoid run-of-the-mill chains, even if they are fi ve-star, in favour of boutique hotels with funky decor to bring out the glamour girl in her. A good example is the Daddy Long Legs Boutique Hotel in Long Street, Cape Town, where each room has been decorated in a different, completely over-the-top style. (Tip: avoid the karaoke room if you sing like Donald Duck.) Don’t have an art hotel in your city? Find one with a spa bath and room service – sipping bubbly while sitting in bubbles will make her feel decadently pampered.

What she’ll like That you’re proposing something more thrilling than a movie. Then again, the idea could make her feel like a total hooker. But is that a bad thing?

4 Europe, sans the Euros

Best for Times she wants foreign glamour and you don’t want to break the bank.

Game plan If you want to go to Paris or another obscenely pricey city and you have a few weeks to plan, consider searching www.craigslist.com (free membership) for someone to swop homes with for a few nights. You could save thousands on hotel costs.

Destination Think outside the euro. The Czech Republic, for example, still uses its own currency, and Prague is just as romantic as Paris. Or think outside Europe altogether: head north to Portuguese-speaking Mozambique for faux-Europe experience.

What you’ll both like The adventure of navigating an international setting and the challenge of an unfamiliar language can stimulate bonding and desire, says Kerner. “Anything that indulges the senses and stimulates the mind does the trick.”