Kama, Again?

Should you be taking sex advice from a celibate first-century bookworm? Yes, actually – and it’s easier than ever with two new versions of the Kama Sutra, the original sex manual

The Clinging CreeperMan-on-top positions in the Kama Sutra often feature the woman on her back with her feet on her lover’s chest or shoulders. Although these  positions are highly erotic, they mean that you can’t get really close to each other: The Clinging Creeper (or Twining Position), in  contrast, permits maximum skin-to-skin contact. He lies in-between her legs and she hooks her leg around the top of his thighs to pull him in more closely.

TAKEN FROM KAMA SUTRA, BY ANNE HOOPER

Splitting the Bamboo, The Bull’s Blow...

If you’ve ever stolen a glance at Vatsyayana’s Kama Sutra down at your book shop, you’ll have noted terms reminiscent of torture methods.  And pictures that make it look like you need an extremely long penis and an elasticated spine. It describes 64 positions – the frustrated  Indian believed there were eight ways of making love, multiplied by eight positions within each of these. For English speakers though, the 64 sets of instructions were tricky to follow, written as they were in dodgy Victorian parlance, translated by Sir Richard Burton. But now there’s Deepak Chopra’s new abridged Kama Sutra and Alain Danielou’s modern unabridged interpretation to help you cut to the chase and spice up your bedroom moves.

WHICH VERSION – CHOPRA OR DANIELOU?Danielou fi rst. He provides a remarkably fluent translation of the entire Sanskrit original, ridding it of all that uptight Victorian
morality and bringing alive the other, less famous aspect of the book; it’s easy to forget that the Kama Sutra is also a delicate labyrinth of sexual etiquette, from how to bathe before meeting a lover to how lovers should entertain each other after making love. It’s not illustrated, though, and you’ll definitely miss the pictures. Chopra’s shorter book is illustrated with modern paintings and is perfect for people with twenty-first century ADHD-attention spans. It’s presented in bite-sized pieces – you could produce dozens of feel-good “quotes of the day” from this book.

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESSSo, books in hand, it was time to test the new easy-read instructions. Where to start? A bath is a good place to think and, as it’s also part of the Kama Sutra foreplay, my willing partner and I shared a bubble bath and decided that we’d each choose three positions that  caught our fancy. We’d each have the right to veto one position chosen by the other. Doing the maths – if we both used our vetoes, that  would give us four positions to try. If one vetoed, there’d be five positions and if neither vetoed, it would be six.

Climbing the TreeThis is a great position for quickie sex. If she’s shorter than him, she can always stand on tiptoes or on a step.

TAKEN FROM KAMA SUTRA, BY ANNE HOOPER

My decision-making was quick – I wanted gentle, playful poses and so I chose one sitting position… If, sitting facing her, you grasp her ankles and fasten them like a chain behind your neck, and she grips her toes as you make love, it is the delightful Padma (the Lotus)

And one lying position… Her limbs, entwined in yours like tendrils of fragrant jasmine creeper, draw taut and slowly relax in the gentle rhythm of lingam and yoni: this is Lataveshta (the Clinging Creeper)

And one standing position…She stands against the wall, lotushands on hips, long, lovely fingers reaching to her navel. Cup her foot in your palm and let your free hand caress your angel’s limbs. Put your arm around her neck and enjoy her as she leans there at her ease. Vatsyayana and others who knew the art of love in its great days called this posture Tala (the Palm).

My man wanted to go on and try the advanced version…If you lean back to a wall and your lover, clinging to your neck, places both her feet in your palms and thus makes love, this is Dvitala (Two Palms). It really doesn’t work with tall girls – you have to be much shorter than your partner. He had more difficulty deciding on positions and his choices were more athletically challenging than mine. His first selection was the Elephant and there was some discussion as to whether this was on position or three… When your mistress lays breasts, arms and forehead to the carpet, raising her buttocks high, and you guide your penis into her yoni, it is Aibha (the Elephant). You lift her ankles high; she draws up and extends her legs as though she were crawling through the air: this is Hastika (the Elephant). Lying on her side, facing away, the fawn-eyed girl offers you her buttocks and your penis penetrates the house of love: this is Nagabandha (the Elephant).

Then I looked at his other potential choices. If you lift your lover by passing your elbows under her knees and gripping her buttocks while she hangs fearfully from your neck, it is Janukurpara (the Knee Elbow).

I regarded that one very fearfully. But I used my veto on this one…If, seated face to face, your toes caress the lovely woman’s nipples her feet press your chest and you make love holding each other’s hands it is Kaurma (the Tortoise). I don’t know what he was thinking! He has a decent South African boep and the Tortoise would have been tortuous for both of us.

Although I liked the idea of the following one, I couldn’t quite see it being successful… When the woman sits in her lover’s cradled hands, her arms around his neck, thighs gripping his waist, her feet pushing back and forth against a wall, it is

Avalambitaka (Suspended). And I had already applied my veto. So he graciously decided that The Elephant was three separate positions and those would be his choices.

FRESHLY BATHED, WARMED AND SCENTED,we began by climbing a tree – one of the 12 embraces of the Kama Sutra: When a woman, having placed one of her feet on the foot of her  lover, and the other on one of his thighs, passes one of her arms round his back, and the other on his shoulders, makes slightly the sounds of singing and cooing, and wishes, as it were, to climb up to him in order to have a kiss, it is called an embrace like the climbing of a tree. I had my kiss and a whole lot more besides. There was plenty of indulgent R and R time too, so it was almost dawn the following day before the satisfactory completion of the final Elephant exercise. Those ancient ladies took real exercise. Hastika’s a workout for everything from abs to labia; it’s not for shrinking violets.

HE CAME, HE SAWWe called room service for breakfast while I scribbled notes about historical and anthropological insights into our own culture and human sexuality in general, holding a cup of desperately-needed coffee in the other hand. Suddenly he asked if he could replace the vetoed Tortoise with another choice. Only half-listening, I agreed and continued scrawling, until he whisked the pen right out of my hand and used it to underline his final choice – the Swing. Sitting face to face in bed, her breasts pressed tight against your chest, let each of you lock heels behind the other’s waist, and lean back clasping one another’s wrists. Now, set the swing gently in motion, your beloved clinging to your body with her flawless limbs, cooing and moaning with pleasure: this is Dolita (the Swing). How had I missed that one? “When’s checkout time?” I asked him. “We’ve still got a couple of hours,” he responded.

The SwingShe straddles him and wraps her legs tightly around his torso. Then you push, pull and rock against each other.

TAKEN FROM KAMA SUTRA, BY ANNE HOOPER

ACING THE SWINGThe Swing was a sleeper hit.It’s ideal for those (admittedly rare) occasions without time limits, and without anyone else in earshot. The focus is on slow communion and the tandem rocking motion achieves momentum with some spontaneously spectacular results. From the guy’s point of view, his partner is intimately and delectably open to him and if he’s willing to ensure that “the jewel of her clitoris is well-polished”… well, just be warned that she might come like a sweating, screaming inferno. This position is pretty much guaranteed to erupt into a Richter scale orgasm for him too. Positioning for the Swing isn’t complicated, but a guy needs full command of his sexual muscles, his breathing and his stamina. Seismic pressure builds up gradually – those ancient men really understood that sex is a pleasure-activity, even for goaloriented males. Slowly is how to get the most out of the incremental sensations. This is one time when a guy doesn’t just go with involuntary muscle contractions that squeeze some extreme feelings through his loins, leaving him drained. Instead, he hovers in that wethot zone on the verge, and increasingly floods his whole body with the intense pleasure that’s often awarded only to his penis as first prize. (Note to guys: it’s incredibly erotic for his partner that he knows how to sustain the desire and energy moving in his own body). The Swing swung into some shattering orgasms and, my partner and I had deemed that the practical part of the book review would be successful if we each had at least one, preferably many, orgasms. It didn’t happen every time but the sex was so connected and delicious that the absence of an orgasm was barely noticed. Granted, seven consecutive penetrative encounters is probably sexual overload; nevertheless it really did seem that the focus of our desires had shifted and individual lust-energy was transformed into something more bonding and spiritual.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BONDINGPossibly this is the magic of the Kama Sutra for us today. It leads to an understanding of how male sexuality is intricately linked with female sexuality – if you constrain one, you constrain the other. When you expand the parameters of your own sensuality, you take it into another realm and you do the same thing for the woman you love.

Kama Sutra: Including the Seven Spiritual Laws of Love Deepak Chopra www.kalahari.net
The Complete Kama Sutra translated by Alain Danielou www.exclusivebooks.com

The Four Enemies of Hot Sex

If your sex life is comfortable you're probably not trying hard enough.

1 You schedule it
This is a huge problem for couples with kids: you have a rare night alone and there will be sex, damn it! Problem is, nothing kills the desire for sex quite as effectively as the demand for it.

The fix
Make a list of the top 10 little things that put you in the mood for sex, suggests psychotherapist Cindy Brown. “They don’t all have to be overtly sexual – also pick stuff that makes you feel positive about your relationship.” Ask your girlfriend or wife to do the same, share your lists and promise to do five things on each other’s list every week.

2 You each want a completely different thing
She wants more snuggling; you want more penetration. Unfortunately, this often plays out as a power struggle, which is decidedly unhot for both of you.

The fix
Trade roles once every six weeks. Agree to initiate an intimate date, if she plans an erotic one. On your date, focus on sensual touching and – this is key – ban intercourse and orgasm. (Think old-fashioned make-out session in the car.) For her erotic date, prohibit intercourse but not orgasm. “Mix it up and take risks,” says Dr Barry McCarthy, co-author of Men’s Sexual Health.

3 You can’t keep it up (your confidence,that is)
Real-life sex isn’t like movie sex, but that’s the standard men hold themselves to. “If a man feels he can’t fulfill this narrow definition,” McCarthy says, “he may begin to feel anxious.” This ruins the fun.

The fix
Impose a one-month ban on intercourse. Men sometimes see intercourse as the finish line, but no finish line means no race. And that means you have to focus on turning each other on – just for fun. “Think about it as a cool challenge,” McCarthy says. “Explore different kinds of touch and varying levels of pleasure.
Let the desire build naturally or not.”

4 You know each other way too well
“More intimacy isn’t always better,” McCarthy says. “Too much can de-eroticise your relationship.” In fact, unmarried couples who live together for two years or longer have the least sex of any group, including married couples, he says.

The fix
Plan his-and-hers sex nights. One night a month, she does what you want. On another night, you do as she commands. Pick a different scenario each month, and surprise her. “The goal is to push the boundaries of your relationship,” says McCarthy, “so you think."

The Sex Secret You’re Not Using

The often-overlooked smooch can win her heart, keep her happy and set your love life on fire

PERHAPS YOU’VE BEEN SOMEBODY’S BEST KISS. YOU WON HER OVER AND
made her swoon. You’ve probably also had your share of make-out disasters – either you didn’t put in the effort, or your mouth tasted like beer. The difference between the two? Chemistry – both literal and figurative. “A whole host of parameters converge at the moment your lips come together,” says Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at the University at Albany, US. “We subconsciously decipher this information in terms of the health and compatibility of the other person.

Kissing has a lot of power – it can either promote or negate the continuation of that relationship.”

If you don’t respect this power, your subpar canoodling around the campfire can earn you an unequivocal kiss-off from her. In Gallup’s 2007 study of 1 041 varsity students, 66 percent of the women reported being so turned off by kisses that their interest in the men evaporated. On the other hand, being a great kisser – mastering those lingering, luxuriant lip-locks that she loves but that men tend to shun – can dramatically boost the frequency and quality of your bedroom action, studies suggest.

Clearly, you can’t afford to take chances. So spend some time honing this vital mating skill, whether you’re targeting a promising holiday fling or sidling up to your long-term mate. What follows is our guide to the many things a little lip can do.

MAKE HER YOURS
“The first kiss can indicate the passion, ability and experience a potential partner has. I often hear guys and girls talk about that first
kiss as the determining factor for the next date,” says Men’s Health’s on-call sexual health practioner Dr Tanya Robinson. When she’s sizing up your potential as a suitable and genetically-compatible mate, her attention will linger on your mouth. The University at Albany study showed that the appearance of a man’s teeth helps determine his kissability. Women in the study were also more likely than men to factor in chemical cues – his breath, for example, and the taste of his mouth. Gallup argues that this is because kissing provides information about a person’s health and hormonal status, because the sebaceous glands (densely concentrated on the face) are regulated by sex hormones.

Lip service
Don’t try to telegraph your genetic suitability right away. Instead, wait until the second or third date. “I love it when the tension builds up so much that it feels like we’ve been waiting ages for the kiss, and then we can’t stop for hours,” says Laura, a brand manager. “The best ones are worth waiting for.” When it is go time, a little preparedness will pay off. Consider packing one of the new single-use micro-toothbrushes, such as the Colgate Wisp. It has a liquid-filled “breath bead” and doesn’t require water to rinse
(R394 for a pack of two, www.wantitall.co.za). Then take the initiative. “If a man is coming off as self-assured, this will make him appear more attractive at the moment of the kiss,” says interpersonal communication expert Kandi Walker. Most importantly, start off slowly. “Kiss lightly around her mouth, on her cheeks or on her neck – that’s a very sensual thing to do,” says Andréa Demirjian, who interviewed 250 women and men for her book Kissing: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About One of Life’s Sweetest Pleasures. “Then when you reach her mouth, kiss her very softly on the lips – no insert-tongue-here kisses. Going slowly is sure to entice her.”

KEEP HER HAPPY – AND ENTHUSIASTICOnce she’s yours, going face-to-face on a regular basis is vital for the health of a long-term union. “The frequency of a couple’s kissing has implications about issues like abandonment, divorce and infidelity,” Gallup says. But according to the women surveyed, men aren’t delivering the goods as often as they should. Gallup’s study found that men use kissing primarily as a means to an end – to advance sexual relations. Yet women mainly use kissing as a way to monitor the status of the relationship and their partner’s commitment.

Lip service “Make an effort to kiss her even when sex isn’t on the cards,” suggests Gallup. “That way there’s an affectionate and a sexual component to kissing.” After sex, he says, is another key time: women usually initiate post-romp kissing, the study showed. Long term, the more persistent you are with the kisses, the more sex you’ll have. “Male saliva has trace amounts of testosterone – and testosterone is an aphrodisiac,” Gallup says. “So passing saliva during open-mouth kissing over extended periods might help raise her testosterone levels and affect her sex drive.”

REDUCE HER STRESS
Kissing can help melt tension away. When researchers from Lafayette College, US,studied couples who either kissed, held hands or talked for 15 minutes, they found that the kissers had the lowest blood levels of cortisol, a hormone that contributes to feelings of stress and anxiety. Additionally, there was a rise in oxytocin – the “cuddle drug” associated with attachment and the sense of calm and security we feel in relationships – in the men.

Lip service
To make sure your partner harnesses the same positive effects from a makeout session as you do, up the romance. “The setting of a kiss can affect how women perceive it,” says Walker. In fact, in the Lafayette College study, women’s oxytocin levels decreased during kissing when the environment was clinical. When the researchers switched to a more attractive environment, the women reported feeling greater intimacy with their partner.

SEND PROBLEMS PACKING
When things go awry in a relationship, kissing can be your cavalry. “There is still lots to learn about kissing in a relationship. When
you feel comfortable, kissing can become a game with both of you learning new techniques and skills to please your partner.” advises Robinson. “Kissing is not only a passionate experience, but an emotional one too. Putting your emotions into a kiss will make a good kiss great.” A study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy showed that kissing her on the lips can make resolving conflict easier. “It’s much more powerful than we realise,” says Gallup.

Lip service
Punctuate your impassioned apology with kisses elsewhere on her face, as well as on her hands, neck and stomach. When Princeton University psychologist Michael Graziano conducted research on our defensive flinching and blocking mechanisms, these areas proved to be the most heavily defended parts of our bodies and the most erotic to kiss. A lot of mating behaviour, he argues, is an exaggerated way to show the status of your defensive radar. “By allowing her partner’s teeth near her throat, she is in effect communicating that she’s turning her radar down, and that she’s doing it intentionally for him,” Graziano says. “That is a very encouraging message.” He adds: “There’s nothing more vulnerable and more erotic than kissing someone’s eyelid – you have to really trust someone to let them kiss your eye.”

Get Back In the Game

Bag yourself the woman of your dreams with this guide to finding those hot singles who always seeemed to be there when you weren't available...

YOUR HOURS ARE LONG,your financial worries even longer. Short, however, is your list of available, gorgeous, women to date. The reason? Marriage is taking a back seat to career plans for men, with the odds of you heading back into the dating game in your late twenties and thirties higher than ever, according to a study by Rutgers University in New Jersey. The only problem is that women are more likely to marry earlier and, thanks to birth rate and mortality trends, there are now half a million more eligible single men in their thirties than women, found an Edinburgh University study. “Social norms are different and the women you’re after are older with different needs and priorities,” says Siski Green, author of How To Blow Her Mind In Bed. Luckily, we’ve done the hard work for you. Turn over for five ways to raise your dating game – second time around.

1 Match your interests
THEN You’d practise your linesNOW Take up a hobby
Market research firm Penn Schoen Berland found 34 percent of single women in their late twenties and thirties don’t actively look for a partner as they don’t think they’ll find someone they have anything in common with. “Take up an interesting hobby,” says Leil Lowndes, author of How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You. “You’ll meet women you already have something in common with, and it’ll help build confidence. Look her in the eye and say in your head ‘I like you’,” says Lowndes. “The time it takes to do this is the optimum length of lingering eye contact. Secondly, repeating it will soften your features so you look more approachable. And thirdly, it’ll stop you thinking ‘does she like me?’, which would make you seem nervous and shy.” Just don’t say it out loud or you’ll be barred from Adult Creative Pottery classes.

2 Get a female point of viewTHEN You’d get your mate to act as a wingman in a clubNOW Enlist your female friends
You could definitely lose your dignity on that dance floor, and the odds are you won’t find love there. A study by the University of Michigan found while 50 percent of 18 year olds go to bars or clubs twice a week, only 25 percent of 32 year olds venture out even once a week. There’s a better way: recent studies at Temple University in Pennsylvania found that 63 percent of longterm couples were introduced by friends, especially female friends. “Newly single men in their thirties get far more support from their female friends than women when it comes to meeting a new partner,” says Dr Judith Sills, author of Getting Naked Again. “They’re far more likely to suggest matches, arrange dates and help you adapt to single life.” It may be tempting to let them broker the whole deal for you, but it’s worth asking for the lady’s phone number and calling to arrange the date yourself. Studies published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior found that you can instinctively and accurately predict how physically attractive you’ll find a woman from her voice alone. This is because attractive women are more confident, so they subconsciously alter their pitch and tone to sound more feminine and seductive. Call it the aural sex test.


3 “Screen test” her first
THEN Dinner and a filmNOW You both screen your datesDon’t commit to a hefty restaurant bill and an interminable rom-com. It’s now acceptable to schedule a “pre-date” – a daytime meet or early evening drink. “Women in their thirties are also jaded by the dating process, so don’t want to waste their time on dates that are going nowhere,” says Green. “A pre-date takes the pressure off – if there’s no spark you don’t have to spend the evening together. You’ll also escape the regimented awkwardness of the dinner date, so you’ll both act more naturally and you’ll get a more accurate impression of her.” Even if it’s going well, cut it short. A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found leaving her wanting more will increase her desire. And it’ll leave you time to see the lovely lady from last week’s pre-date.

4 Quickly silence her fears
THEN You’d impress her by picking up the bill
NOW You’ll impress her by shutting up
Forget the quick-draw on the gold card: women in their late twenties and thirties are less impressed with displays of wealth than younger women because they have more equal earning power, according to University of Michigan studies. They’re now looking for a caring partner who’ll be a source of emotional support. You don’t need to start offering her hugs over aperitifs, just don’t pay too much lip-service to the classic date mistake: a recent study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior found that the only breach of dating etiquette that will turn her off straight away is you talking too much about yourself. She’ll interpret this as selfish, and stop seeing you as a potential partner. If you’re already thinking of taking your displays of wealth to the more impressionable younger crowd, tread carefully. Oxford University studies found men in their thirties will often overestimate their level of attractiveness because of their increased earning power and set their sights on women who are either too young or too attractive. Though, as Michael Douglas would probably tell you, it’s always worth having a crack.

5 Conquer the ex factor
THEN She thought you were her first loveNOW She needs to know about your careful previous owners
Like the inglorious post-storeroom-cupboard-indiscretion exit from your second job, you know blemishes on your relationship CV can come back to haunt you. “When you enter a relationship a little older, your past can catch up to be a lose-lose,” says Green. “Mention your ex too soon and your new interest will think you’re not over her; keep quiet and she’ll think you have something to hide.” Deny any ex history altogether, and you’ll face those awkward questions about exactly why you had to leave the priesthood. “As a general rule, don’t mention your ex until date four,” says Green. “This is when the first half of her screening process is over and she will have decided she is sexually interested in you.” Then, when you do mention your “previous”, use a little psychological sneakiness to turn it from a negative to a positive. University of California studies found that women use past relationship behaviour to predict future conflicts. “She’s going to be studying you for both verbal and nonverbal clues,” says Richard La Ruina, author of The Natural Art of Seduction. “If you use your ex’s name, for example ‘Vicky is really jealous’, it turns her into a person, while the present tense ‘is’ implies an emotional connection remains.” Here’s how to keep Vicky out of the picture: “When you speak, meet your new love interest’s eye – it indicates honesty. Put your hands palm up on the table to indicate openness, then say, ‘It was fun for a while, but we just drifted apart.’ This phrasing de-personalises everything and ‘was’ works as an emotional trigger word, firmly establishing that Vicky is in the past.” Until she starts sticking your pets in a casserole dish.

Heat In a Hurry

Use these tips to boost your sex life

1 ENDLESS BICKERING
Fighting over serious issues is normal, but bickering can cramp your sex life, says Dr Valerie Davi Raskin, author of Great Sex For Moms. Unless compromise is easy, “it’s often better to put minor disputes aside,” she says. “You shouldn’t talk over everything endlessly.” In our survey, the most trivial quarrels were about the house. Avoid them by playing to each other’s strengths. Then divvy up the decisions accordingly.

2 CONFLICTING SCHEDULES
Sixty-hour workweeks plus social plans can leave her too tired to tango. But pumping up the passion at the beginning of your week sets the tone for days to come. Go to the gym together on Monday or Tuesday: studies show both sexes experience a surge of libido-boosting testosterone 30 minutes after a workout. Shower then hit the bedroom. “It’ll zap stress and the sexual momentum will last through the weekend,” says Dr Michael Breus, author of Good Night.

3 LATE-NIGHT TV
Here’s a disturbing set of characteristics: Italian researchers found that having a television in your bedroom halves your sex tally, yet 64 percent of couples keep a set in the boudoir. “Getting it on is about putting the brain and body in a passionate state – TV does the opposite,” says Heidi Raykeil, author of Confessions of a Naughty Mommy. Can’t quit? Record your favourite shows to watch them on the weekend.

4 A HOUSEFUL OF KIDS
If tantrums and nappies are polluting your passion, ditch the kids (for a night). “It’s all about creating opportunity,” Raskin says. “Spontaneity is enviable, but planned sex can be great too.” Particularly if you are not getting enough. You know that couple next door? They’re probably in the same situation, so propose a kid swop. You take theirs on a Friday, they take yours on a Saturday. If the neighbours are freaks, go home when the kids aren’t: lunch time. Nearly 40 percent of women would get frisky at noon.

5 AN EXTRA SLICE OF PIE
Hoovering down a romantic dinner can backfire. Share an entrée to eat less, and spark a passion interaction, says Bunny Crumpacker, author of The Sex Life of Food. “Choosing a meal together and sharing the dish can boost your sense of cooperation,” she says. Your best bet: whip up a dish at home – 66 percent of the women surveyed said they’d be more likely to have sex after a home-cooked meal.

She'll Like You Better After You Read This

12 rules guaranteed to make you a better lover – tonight



1 THE GREATER YOUR FOCUS, THE HOTTER THE SEXWhat’s the best way to unlock a woman’s wildest desires in bed? “Passion,” said 42 percent of the women we surveyed. “That means being in the moment and not being distracted,” says pschologist Joel Block, author of Secrets of Better Sex. “Sex is a conversation, and she doesn’t want to feel like you wish you had your Blackberry.” A woman takes attendance during sex in many ways, and the strongest signal you can send comes from your mouth. More than 90 percent of women we surveyed said a man’s primal panting turns them on. But for real results, use words over Tarzan grunts if you can. “You want to reassure her, ‘Do that more’, ‘That feels so good’ or ‘Oh, I love that’,” says sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be. Beyond giving her a confidence boost, the extra sensory seduction intensifies the experience. Non-verbal communication is important, too. Bursts of eye contact, lip nibbles and any other kind of physical or verbal communication shows her she’s the one pushing your buttons, not some fantasy fembot in your head. If the soulful eye lock is not for you, bury your face in her neck, run the tip of your tongue from her collarbone to her ear lobe and whisper exactly why she’s driving you so crazy.

2 FOREPLAY CAN BE THE MAIN EVENT
“‘Foreplay’ is a terrible word because it implies that it’s leading to something more important,” says sexuality counsellor Beverly Whipple, a co-author of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality. “You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.” The women we surveyed agreed: two in five said their last orgasm occurred during foreplay itself, not intercourse. What’s more, when asked to rank their partners’ bedroom skills, the women’s top two complaints were a lack of sexual creativity and subpar manual sex skills, in that order. Ouch. Your move? Tell her you want to go three sack sessions sans penetration. Ditching the same old script – foreplay, sex, cuddling – will help your creative instincts spring to life. Bonus: sexual novelty recreates those early-relationship, takeme- now hormones, says psychiatrist Dr Daniel Amen, author of Sex On the Brain: 12 Lessons To Enhance Your Love Life.

3 PLEASURE DOESN’T ALWAYS EQUAL SATISFACTION
The good news is you can give a woman both. In a Kinsey Institute study, both women and men agreed that sex without condoms feels better – but women said using protection actually helps them feel more satisfied overall in the sack. Even those using hormonal birth-control methods felt the effect: when they used condoms, they reported a 17.5 percent higher rate of overall satisfaction with their sex lives. Why? This one’s a no-brainer. When women worry less (say, about STIs), they enjoy themselves more.

4  “GENTLE” MEANS MORE THAN JUST “EASY, GUY”
“That word is a woman’s code telling you to be more sensitive to her cues,” says Block. The more nerve-dense the hot spot is on a woman’s body, the more careful your approach should be. Clitoral contact in particular feels abrasive without a proper warm-up, says Lou Paget, a sex educator and author of How To Be a Great Lover. If a woman yips or inhales suddenly when you go there – instead of purring or moaning – you’ve jumped the gun. Use indirect stimulation first, paying careful attention to her reactions as a guide. The nerve-packed clitoris actually extends several centimetres under the skin on either side of her vagina (like a wishbone), which means you can massage it without direct pressure to the bud. Trace the extensions with flat, wide, extra-wet tongue strokes or slow finger zigzags. (Don’t forget lube.) Then rub a slow spiral around the top, drawing closer with each pass. The combination of anticipation and indirect contact will bring her pleasure centres to life. If she coos, you’ve found her sweet spot. If she seems to lose focus, fidgets or gasps, take a step back.

5  CLIMATE IS CRUCIAL FOR CLIMAX
Egyptian cotton and dimmer switches can’t hurt, but your love chamber’s thermostat is just as important, according to Dutch sex researchers. “At the beginning of our trials, only 50 percent of our female subjects were able to reach orgasm,” says study author Dr Gert Holstege, chairman of the centre for uroneurology at the University of Groningen, in the Netherlands. “But we learnt they were uncomfortable because they had cold feet. We gave them socks, and 80 percent reached orgasm.” The socks aren’t the secret, though. “The amygdala and prefrontal cortex – the brain areas responsible for anxiety, fear and danger signals – strongly decrease their activation during orgasm,” says Holstege. “A pleasant environment, which includes the room temperature, is an important part of making her feel safe, secure and comfortable,” he adds. “Imagine the ideal day at the beach,” says Tristan Taormino, director of Vivid Entertainment’s porn series Chemistry. “You want it just warm enough that she’s happy to shed a layer or two, but not so hot that you’ll end up drenched once you exert yourself.”

6  POSITIONS ARE POINTLESS WITHOUT A PURPOSE“There’s no need to be overly fancy during sex – the very best positions are the ones that focus on the clitoris,” says Levkoff. Want to amp up her pleasure without risking a hamstring cramp? Ditch the flesh pretzel for these modified standards.
They’re all designed to boost stimulation to her clitoris, which has even more nerve endings than the head of your penis.

A. MISSIONARY
Instead of inand-out thrusting, “have her grind against you in circles,” says sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Secrets of a Supersexpert. “Keepas much of the base of your penisin contact with her outer lips as possible.” Another option: place two or three pillows under her butt to lift it off the bed at an angle. You’ll rub against her more when thrusting.

B. GIRL ON TOP
Make a V with two fingers, and place it so the point of the V (just between the two knuckles) is directly over her clitoris. Your fingers should come down on either side of your penis as she rides you. “This will stimulate the clitoris, inner labia and urethra – as well as add intensity for you,” Cox says.

C. DOGGY-STYLE
“Have her lift her butt up or spread out your legs to move down and touch the supersensitive vaginal wall,” Cox says. Then reach around to play with her clitoris using your fingers. (Use a small vibrator for extra intensity.) For over-the-top stimulation of her most nervepacked parts, “keep thrusting short and shallow, rather than deep and fast”.

7  CLUB ORGASM ISN’T “MEMBERS ONLY”
Only one in five women we surveyed said their last orgasm came during penetration. “Most younger women want their partners
to slow down and use their hands and mouths more,” says Australian sex researcher Juliet Richters, who surveyed more than 19 000 people for her book Doing It Down Under. In her survey, more than 90 percent of women were able to reach orgasm when their partners used only oral and manual stimulation. Here’s the rub: 52 percent of the women we surveyed said they’ve made a guy stop because they were afraid of taking too long. So how can you be sure she’s not letting you off easy? “Say ‘I love doing this. Are you sure you want me to stop?’” Whipple says. If you’re the one worried about 20-plus minutes of tiring tongue-lapping, “don’t go faster – it won’t make her reach orgasm sooner,” Cox says. “If anything, slow down. The gentler and slower and more consistent you are, the quicker she’ll arrive.” Another option: enlist help. A small vibrator on her clitoris and your moist lips everywhere else should do the job.

8  A QUICKIE SHOULDN’T END WITH “THANKS!”
Only half of all women can reach orgasm when sex lasts 10 minutes or less, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “That means during a quickie, you will probably finish and she won’t,” says Levkoff. If she does not orgasm, make sure you will have access to future rapid-fire sessions by saying, “Later tonight, it’s going to be all about you.” Then follow through on that promise.

9 THE G-SPOT HAS FRIENDS. GET TO KNOW THEM
The G-spot and the clitoris aren’t the only bullseyes. “The most recent anatomical research suggests that the clitoris is perhaps better described as the ‘clitoral complex’, where the vagina, urethra and clitoris all function as a unit rather than as individual parts,” explains Kinsey Institute researcher and Men’s Health writer Debby Herbenick. Try working that clitoral complex by hitting multiple hot spots at once. Some researchers believe there’s something called an A-spot, located far inside the vagina on the side closest to her belly button. “Stroke this spot and she’ll lubricate almost instantly,” Cox says. “Put one lubed finger into her vagina as far as it will comfortably go. Use the whole length of your finger to explore the front wall of her vagina.” Now triple the sensation: stick both index and middle finger inside her, and stick out your thumb like you’re hitchhiking. It’ll pull your fingers more snugly against her vaginal walls, stimulating both the Aspot and G-spot simultaneously. Then use your thumb to also stimulate her clitoris, and gently twist your hand.

10  “READY” IS ALL RELATIVE
“Just because a woman is lubricated doesn’t mean she’s ready for sex,” says Richters. Your woman’s real prime time comes once she reaches a phase of arousal called “uterine tenting”. It’s just like it sounds: the uterus backs out of the way and the vagina grows in length by almost three centimetres. “You’ll experience deeper penetration, and the vagina will provide an intense grip to the head of your penis,” says Barbara Keesling, a lecturer on human sexuality and author of Men In Bed. “The orgasms are incredible.” Keesling says the best position is the butterfly: “Have her lie on her back and pull her knees up to her shoulders, tilting her pelvis so her vagina points up almost to the ceiling,” she says. Since tenting can take anywhere from 30 seconds to, well, forever, focus on synchronising the stimulation between your penis and her outer lips before entering her. Lie pressed against each other with your penis snug between her legs, allowing her to slide and rub against you while you use your hands and mouth elsewhere. The warm, slick and firm contact will bring her to a boil in no time.

11  WANT TO HAVE SEX? THEN DO THE DISHES
“If a woman is distracted by anything – work, lack of sleep, chores, a fight she had with a friend – it can interfere with her arousal,” says Whipple. Seven in 10 women we surveyed said helping around the home was a turn-on, but men do only about 30 percent of the chores, according to the Council on Contemporary Families. The women we surveyed said they’d be most grateful if you did the dishes, cooked dinner and did the laundry, in that order. Score bonus points: don’t brag.

12  DON’T MAKE ORGASM YOUR ONLY GOAL
A 2008 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that stress about sexual performance significantly decreases female arousal. “Whatever you do, don’t ask, ‘Are you close?’ or ‘Did you come?’” Whipple says. “It’s distracting and it adds unnecessary pressure.” See if you’re on the right track by asking questions such as, “Do you like that?” instead. And if you’re waiting for her to reach orgasm during penetration, it can be better to finish first, rather than holding out for half an hour. “Women don’t have orgasms every time. They know it’s not necessarily their partner’s fault,” Whipple says. Levkoff adds, “You can always go back and use your hands.”

Warm Her Up

There’s no need for wet weather to dampen your, eh... spirit

The mercury isn’t the only thing that bottoms out in winter. Thanks to chilly winds, dry skin, static hair and heavy clothing, her libido could wane too. But “you shouldn’t let your love life be controlled by the climate,” says Dr Linda Banner, author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. “Winter can actually be one of the best times of the year for getting close.” Follow these steps to keep her hot this winter, no matter how cold the weather.

CONTROL HER THERMOSTAT

Lower-body temperatures dampen arousal for both men and women, thanks to constricted blood vessels and a slowed heart rate. It’s basic science: if your skin is warmer, it’s more sensitive; if it’s colder, it’s less sensitive. Don’t wait until you spot goosebumps to warm her up. Before the sun dips, hand her a hoodie to prevent her initial chill. With any luck you’ll be pulling it off again in no time.

EMBRACE YOUR INNER SAP

Spend the cooler months by the fi reside or exploring the countryside: rekindle some of her warmest winter memories, says Banner, and the glow she’ll experience will shine on you, too. “We’re connected with our traditions in powerful ways,” says Banner. “If you hit the right memory touchstones, she’ll feel more connected and willing to unwind.”

BRING HER THE RIGHT BLOOM

Flowers in winter? Sure, if you choose correctly. Once they’re cut, hothouse blooms are fragile in cold weather. Instead, consider a living Cymbidium orchid. “It blooms in colder climates until the fi rst frost, but it can bloom year-round in your home,” says Valerie Smith, special events director with the American Orchid Society. “With the right amount of light, water and fertiliser, it will come back next year.” A good low-maintenance option: the Christmas cactus. It might sound like seasonal schmaltz, but the plant looks great (it flowers in winter) and doesn’t require frequent watering. Just make sure it has bright, indirect light during the day and uninterrupted darkness at night.

INDULGE HER NESTING INSTINCTS

She spends more time indoors during winter than any other season, which means giving her a new outlook on the same old digs can pay dividends. “We tend to get bored with anything we’ve seen a million times,” says interior designer Melinda Sechrist. “But a fresh environment helps create energy, and you never know where that energy might lead.” A few easy ways to change things up: a new duvet cover (“In the winter, duvets, blankets and pillows can make the room feel cosy,” Sechrist says); a new paint scheme in the bedroom; or a clutter-clearing array of shelves. If you live in an open-plan home that has few walls separating areas, consider rearranging some furniture to create more clearly divided living spaces. A Cornell University study found that residents of homes with greater architectural depth (the number of spaces you pass through to get from one room to another) may be less stressed and socially anxious.