1 You schedule it
This is a huge problem for couples with kids: you have a rare night alone and there will be sex, damn it! Problem is, nothing kills the desire for sex quite as effectively as the demand for it.
The fix
Make a list of the top 10 little things that put you in the mood for sex, suggests psychotherapist Cindy Brown. “They don’t all have to be overtly sexual – also pick stuff that makes you feel positive about your relationship.” Ask your girlfriend or wife to do the same, share your lists and promise to do five things on each other’s list every week.
2 You each want a completely different thing
She wants more snuggling; you want more penetration. Unfortunately, this often plays out as a power struggle, which is decidedly unhot for both of you.
The fix
Trade roles once every six weeks. Agree to initiate an intimate date, if she plans an erotic one. On your date, focus on sensual touching and – this is key – ban intercourse and orgasm. (Think old-fashioned make-out session in the car.) For her erotic date, prohibit intercourse but not orgasm. “Mix it up and take risks,” says Dr Barry McCarthy, co-author of Men’s Sexual Health.
3 You can’t keep it up (your confidence,that is)
Real-life sex isn’t like movie sex, but that’s the standard men hold themselves to. “If a man feels he can’t fulfill this narrow definition,” McCarthy says, “he may begin to feel anxious.” This ruins the fun.
The fix
Impose a one-month ban on intercourse. Men sometimes see intercourse as the finish line, but no finish line means no race. And that means you have to focus on turning each other on – just for fun. “Think about it as a cool challenge,” McCarthy says. “Explore different kinds of touch and varying levels of pleasure.
Let the desire build naturally or not.”
4 You know each other way too well
“More intimacy isn’t always better,” McCarthy says. “Too much can de-eroticise your relationship.” In fact, unmarried couples who live together for two years or longer have the least sex of any group, including married couples, he says.
The fix
Plan his-and-hers sex nights. One night a month, she does what you want. On another night, you do as she commands. Pick a different scenario each month, and surprise her. “The goal is to push the boundaries of your relationship,” says McCarthy, “so you think."
