The often-overlooked smooch can win her heart, keep her happy and set your love life on fire
PERHAPS YOU’VE BEEN SOMEBODY’S BEST KISS. YOU WON HER OVER AND
made her swoon. You’ve probably also had your share of make-out disasters – either you didn’t put in the effort, or your mouth tasted like beer. The difference between the two? Chemistry – both literal and figurative. “A whole host of parameters converge at the moment your lips come together,” says Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at the University at Albany, US. “We subconsciously decipher this information in terms of the health and compatibility of the other person.
Kissing has a lot of power – it can either promote or negate the continuation of that relationship.”
If you don’t respect this power, your subpar canoodling around the campfire can earn you an unequivocal kiss-off from her. In Gallup’s 2007 study of 1 041 varsity students, 66 percent of the women reported being so turned off by kisses that their interest in the men evaporated. On the other hand, being a great kisser – mastering those lingering, luxuriant lip-locks that she loves but that men tend to shun – can dramatically boost the frequency and quality of your bedroom action, studies suggest.
Clearly, you can’t afford to take chances. So spend some time honing this vital mating skill, whether you’re targeting a promising holiday fling or sidling up to your long-term mate. What follows is our guide to the many things a little lip can do.
MAKE HER YOURS
“The first kiss can indicate the passion, ability and experience a potential partner has. I often hear guys and girls talk about that first
kiss as the determining factor for the next date,” says Men’s Health’s on-call sexual health practioner Dr Tanya Robinson. When she’s sizing up your potential as a suitable and genetically-compatible mate, her attention will linger on your mouth. The University at Albany study showed that the appearance of a man’s teeth helps determine his kissability. Women in the study were also more likely than men to factor in chemical cues – his breath, for example, and the taste of his mouth. Gallup argues that this is because kissing provides information about a person’s health and hormonal status, because the sebaceous glands (densely concentrated on the face) are regulated by sex hormones.
Lip service
Don’t try to telegraph your genetic suitability right away. Instead, wait until the second or third date. “I love it when the tension builds up so much that it feels like we’ve been waiting ages for the kiss, and then we can’t stop for hours,” says Laura, a brand manager. “The best ones are worth waiting for.” When it is go time, a little preparedness will pay off. Consider packing one of the new single-use micro-toothbrushes, such as the Colgate Wisp. It has a liquid-filled “breath bead” and doesn’t require water to rinse
(R394 for a pack of two, www.wantitall.co.za). Then take the initiative. “If a man is coming off as self-assured, this will make him appear more attractive at the moment of the kiss,” says interpersonal communication expert Kandi Walker. Most importantly, start off slowly. “Kiss lightly around her mouth, on her cheeks or on her neck – that’s a very sensual thing to do,” says Andréa Demirjian, who interviewed 250 women and men for her book Kissing: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About One of Life’s Sweetest Pleasures. “Then when you reach her mouth, kiss her very softly on the lips – no insert-tongue-here kisses. Going slowly is sure to entice her.”
KEEP HER HAPPY – AND ENTHUSIASTICOnce she’s yours, going face-to-face on a regular basis is vital for the health of a long-term union. “The frequency of a couple’s kissing has implications about issues like abandonment, divorce and infidelity,” Gallup says. But according to the women surveyed, men aren’t delivering the goods as often as they should. Gallup’s study found that men use kissing primarily as a means to an end – to advance sexual relations. Yet women mainly use kissing as a way to monitor the status of the relationship and their partner’s commitment.
Lip service “Make an effort to kiss her even when sex isn’t on the cards,” suggests Gallup. “That way there’s an affectionate and a sexual component to kissing.” After sex, he says, is another key time: women usually initiate post-romp kissing, the study showed. Long term, the more persistent you are with the kisses, the more sex you’ll have. “Male saliva has trace amounts of testosterone – and testosterone is an aphrodisiac,” Gallup says. “So passing saliva during open-mouth kissing over extended periods might help raise her testosterone levels and affect her sex drive.”
REDUCE HER STRESS
Kissing can help melt tension away. When researchers from Lafayette College, US,studied couples who either kissed, held hands or talked for 15 minutes, they found that the kissers had the lowest blood levels of cortisol, a hormone that contributes to feelings of stress and anxiety. Additionally, there was a rise in oxytocin – the “cuddle drug” associated with attachment and the sense of calm and security we feel in relationships – in the men.
Lip service
To make sure your partner harnesses the same positive effects from a makeout session as you do, up the romance. “The setting of a kiss can affect how women perceive it,” says Walker. In fact, in the Lafayette College study, women’s oxytocin levels decreased during kissing when the environment was clinical. When the researchers switched to a more attractive environment, the women reported feeling greater intimacy with their partner.
SEND PROBLEMS PACKING
When things go awry in a relationship, kissing can be your cavalry. “There is still lots to learn about kissing in a relationship. When
you feel comfortable, kissing can become a game with both of you learning new techniques and skills to please your partner.” advises Robinson. “Kissing is not only a passionate experience, but an emotional one too. Putting your emotions into a kiss will make a good kiss great.” A study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy showed that kissing her on the lips can make resolving conflict easier. “It’s much more powerful than we realise,” says Gallup.
Lip service
Punctuate your impassioned apology with kisses elsewhere on her face, as well as on her hands, neck and stomach. When Princeton University psychologist Michael Graziano conducted research on our defensive flinching and blocking mechanisms, these areas proved to be the most heavily defended parts of our bodies and the most erotic to kiss. A lot of mating behaviour, he argues, is an exaggerated way to show the status of your defensive radar. “By allowing her partner’s teeth near her throat, she is in effect communicating that she’s turning her radar down, and that she’s doing it intentionally for him,” Graziano says. “That is a very encouraging message.” He adds: “There’s nothing more vulnerable and more erotic than kissing someone’s eyelid – you have to really trust someone to let them kiss your eye.”
