How Long Is Long Enough?
According to a study by the University of New Brunswick in Canada, foreplay lasts an average of 12 minutes, and women would like it to go on for an average of ab out 18 . But a by-the-minute approach is the wrong way to think about it . Dee Mc Donald, founder of The Centre for Sexual Wellbeing in London, says she’d really like “people to forget the concept of ‘fore’ and simply play more throughout their sexual activity”.
1. It’s the shift
Real life isn’t sexy. Yet all too often we expect our partners to make a seamless transition from harried mom and/or overworked career to the tantalising courtesan of our dreams. Foreplay allows both of you to make the transition between “real” life and a more magic space. This is especially important for women. “In my research, I’ve found that there are literally hundreds of things that can shut down a woman’s arousal process, from worrying about work and kids to whether or not their legs are shaven,” says sexologist Dr Robin Milhausen. “Obviously, that’s a really problematic situation for men. So it’s very helpful for them to know what they can do to help their partner to stay actively engaged, excited and passionate.”
2. Foreplay closes the gap
Women take longer to become aroused. Without some stimulation before the main event, she’ll just be getting warmed up as you’re rolling over for a nap. “Since the number of women who reach climax just by vaginal penetration is limited,” says sexual therapist Miguel Cuetos, “men need to forget about coitus for a while and concentrate instead on sexual games beforehand, so that she can have one or more orgasms – even without penetration.” The quality of her orgasm will also be Four reasons why foreplay is so important Four Play better if you take your time. “You don’t take your expensive sports car from zero to 60 in the winter, do you?” asks Japanese-German sex educator Midori, author of Wild Side Sex (R186 www.kalahari.net). “If you want the best performance, you warm it up first.”
3. It syncs her up
Great sex is essentially a battle between two parts of the nervous system, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. Her sympathetic nervous system is what kicks into high gear when she’s confronted by a bear or Brad Pitt in his boxers. Her pupils dilate, her heart rate speeds up, she breaks out into a light sweat and heavy breathing begins. But her parasympathetic system is what calms her down enough to enable her to have an orgasm – and it’s really important for women. In fact, a Swedish study discovered that it was totally impossible for a woman to have an orgasm if the part of her brain that processes anxiety was activated. In short, great sex is essentially a combination of stimulation and relaxation – a difficult balance to achieve. That’s where foreplay comes in.
4. Communicate
Foreplay is the handsdown best way to get to know your partner’s body – what she likes and doesn’t like, what makes her crazy, what leaves her cold. “No matter what you might read in magazines, orgasm isn’t the sole objective,” says British sex journalist Megan Roberts. “Conentrate instead on getting to know her, and her body – and tell her equally what she can do to turn you on.”
1. What’s good for her is good for you
The more foreplay you engage in, the more she’s going to enjoy the sex, and the more she enjoys the sex, the more sex she’s going to want to have. So you win right off the bat. And don’t forget that the more turned on she is, the more likely she is to agree to more creative positions or fantasy play. “Spend extra time focusing on each other’s body and your intercourse will be more action-packed,” says Dr Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism For the Shy (R187 www.kalahari. net). The skilled knowledge of her body that comes with good exploratory foreplay will surely come in handy during your next quickie, allowing you to rev her engines more quickly.
2. Better sex for you!
You know that the longer you hold off from direct genital contact, the better it feels when it happens. And staying aroused for a long time before ejaculation is the ticket to a mind-blowing
orgasm.
3. Sex is fun again!
There’s quite a lot of anxiety that goes along with sex in the modern world. (Am I big enough? Am I going to stay hard? Am I doing it right?) But there’s no such thing as “doing it wrong”. As Dr Michelle Grahame, of British adult toyshop www.nookii.com, says: “Sex isn’t about bits and pieces – doing this or that to her G-spot for x number of minutes. It’s about intimacy, imagination and two people having a bit of fun!” By making exploration and discovery the goal – as opposed to how to get one another off in the least amount of time possible – you remove some of the anxiety that’s crept into our sex lives – and bring some fun back into it.
4. Who said it had to be all about her?
It’s worth mentioning that although we sometimes tend to think of foreplay as exclusive attention to her, many women find the idea of pleasuring you an exciting way to begin the lovemaking process.
