Your past is sordid, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her. Check out your confession road map
There are few secrets these days. With a phone call or mouse click, she can uncover your dirty laundry - that weekend in Sun City, the yacht's worth of credit card debt. So a pre-emptive confession may be in order. Admitting to something wrong/dumb/illegal often provides instant relief. It's also best for her, if done with deft timing and judgment. Here's how to dredge up the past without driving her away.
What you should tell her
"Before speaking up, ask yourself two questions," says Dr Evan Imber-Black, author of The Secret Life of Families. "First, is this relevant information that your partner has a right to know? Second, will spilling it strengthen the relationship and breed intimacy?" Examples: STDs are highly relevant, as are bankruptcies to a couple buying a house. But your brief stint as a Stripo- Gram delivery man can stay private. Other mandated disclosures: prison stints, ongoing therapy or rehab and failed marriages.
When you should tell her
Come clean when your relationship is in cruise control. Neither tarnish a glow nor deepen a rut. "Don't wait so long that the other person wonders why you didn't tell them that before," says behavioural psychologist Dr Katherine Macie. An idle Tuesday on the stoep after a fight-free month is good. Right before guests arrive for your engagement party, not so good.
What you should leave out
Relationships aren't built on squeaky-clean sexual resumes. But beware of how much you share - relationship troubles are often caused by sexual histories, according to Dr Marilyn Fithian from the Centre of Marital and Sexual Studies. That session with your ex or where you learnt that trick? Stuff it. "The more specific you are, the easier it is for her to visualise your affairs and the more damage you'll do," says Fithian. Keep it general.
