Three Steps to Satisfaction

Do your bit to make her fly

1. Play it safe
A woman is more likely to be orgasmic if she feels safe with herself and with you. So build emotional trust. Don’t bully her into doing things she’s not comfortable with, and use condoms and/or birth control if pregnancy or sexual health is a concern.

2. Try this trick
Use the following tantric ritual from Jonti Searll to create a space of intimacy and safety. Start by lighting candles, putting on soft music and sitting opposite each other. Look into one another’s eyes – it’s very important to maintain eye contact – and put your hands up, palms against palms, fingers touching. Softly, slowly, start to move your hands, as if they’re dancing. Touch your palms, fingers, knuckles, the back of your hands, the space between your fingers. Take your time. After about five minutes, let your partner lie down with her head in your lap. Gently stroke her face for five or 10 minutes. Then let her do the same for you. The point is to create a different space for a different experience. No pressure, no rush, no goal.

3. Enlist an expert
If there are deep psychological issues at play, like a history of sexual or emotional abuse, or perhaps poor body image, you could be out of your depth. Encourage your partner to work through it with a professional. Go with her if she wants you to, but let her take the lead. Don’t push, just be supportive.

Decode her digs

Investigate her home to decide if she's right for you.

1. Musical Instruments signal an intellectual, worldly and cultured woman.

2. Candles are more likely to appear in the homes of adventurous people.

3. Varying fabrics in pillows, couches and blankets reveal an affectionate and sensual woman.

4. Fast clocks can mean she's efficient or just highly strung. More than 10 minutes fast? Trouble.

5. International and celestial maps are more likely to hang in the homes of imaginative people.

1. IS SHE GOING TO BE CLINGY?

LOOK FOR PAIRS OF ANYTHING
Two nightstands, a bedside lamp on each side of the bed, pairs of candles... "If you see pairs - and lots of them - run for the door if you don't want a relationship," says sexologist and author Yvonne Fulbright. "Consciously or not, she's displaying the belief that creating balance in the bedroom invites love into your life." Look to escape.

2. WILL SHE BE HIGH MAINTENANCE?

LOOK AT HER PHOTOS
Check out her party snaps. If she's always front and centre, you've got a high-maintenance attention-seeker. "But if you see lots of photos of animals, she's channelling a maternal instinct," says New York psychologist Dr Gary Aumiller. Great if you have an Oedipal complex.

3. WILL SHE BE EASY TO TALK TO?

LOOK AT HER FURNITURE
A cluttered room suggests an open book, she'll spill her guts to you. "But a more private person will have backs of chairs facing doors, and confined traffic patterns," says design psychologist Dr Constance Forrest. Otherwise, use wine to get her to talk.

4. IS SHE GOING TO BE CONTROLLING?

LOOK AT HER BOOKSHELF
Are her books alphabetised by subject? By author? "A personalised Dewey Decimal system can mean neuroticism," says Aumiller. "But general orderliness indicates someone who's responsible." Cluttered shelves are a sign she's a free thinker. Or her cleaner's away.

Sexual training

Do some horizontal jogging this year, and you will be the happiest health addict around. Learn these five sexual exercises

1. Muscle up (and in)

Give your arm muscles a workout while giving her a workout with your love muscle. “Use your thighs to support the back of her legs and place a pillow under her hips. Place the back of her knees in the crook of your elbow, as if you were lifting barbells,” suggests psychologist and sex writer Dr Pam Spurr. By doing “curls” with your entire arm, not only will you see the results of all your hard work, but she’ll also feel internal G-spot stimulation. Besides the concentration of work on your arms, an added bonus will be that your thrusting will cause her breasts to move in wondrous ways. You can’t get that from a personal trainer called Steve.

2. Scrub-a dub-dub

Sensually scrubbing each other in the shower is a great way to boost circulation. This boosts your immune system, helping to ward off illness.

3. Sweeten the deal

Smother your woman in honey and combine the benefits of some sweet loving with the bone-boosting properties in the sticky stuff. Honey helps calcium stick to the bones. When Purdue University researchers in the US fed rats 800mg of honey a day, their calcium-absorption rates rose by 34 percent, so it could slow the bone erosion that comes with ageing.

4. Try, try, try again

You might think that getting action five nights a week would increase your risk of a stroke, but University of Bristol researchers have proven that the opposite is true. Not only are men who have sex at least twice a week less likely to have a stroke, but all that steamy exercise may also reduce your heart disease risk by up to a third.

5. All tied up

Add some kink factor to your bedroom skills. Tie your lady to the bed with silk scarves and watch the weight fall off. “If you’re doing twice the work, you’ll burn twice the kilojoules,” says Spurr. You and your partner burn 146kJ in 20 minutes while getting down and dirty. “But if she is a little tied up,” adds Spurr, “you’ll be exerting yourself twice as much.” It certainly beats doing press-ups in a gym.

Be her do-right man

A guide to common bedroom mistakes made by men. With, of course, gentle corrections.

You know how public pools post lists of unacceptable behaviour? Don’t run, don’t dive, don’t vomit a fillet steak and a bottle of Cabernet Franc into our brand-new filtration system. Be assured that this is the last time I will ever liken my vagina to a public pool, but I’ve always thought how great it would be to post something similar in my own bedroom. Look, we love that you love having sex with us, and we love having sex with you, too. But sometimes you do things that we don’t like. Weird things. Things that you think are going to make us groan with gratitude and pleasure but really make us want to roll over and turn on the TV. Luckily, these mistakes generally result not from lack of skill but from wrong information. You can easily unlearn them. Remember: I probably know what I like better than you do. And if I had a bedroom sign, this is how it might read.

DO NOT ASK, "WHAT DO YOU LIKE?"
the first time we have sex. It's our third date. Okay, so maybe it's only the second, or maybe we just met in an elevator. At any rate, we're making out. Pants are coming off, eyes are smouldering. You ask this question and, bam... the magic is gone. First, I am embarrassed.

I may have been ready to have sex, but not so up for talking about it! Second, I feel pressured to provide a provocative answer, something involving toys or systematic humiliation, but the only thing I can think of to say is, "Well, Steve, I suppose I like manual and oral stimulation followed by intercourse resulting in my eventual orgasm." Finally, I am annoyed. Are you trying to sound sexy, wild, open to anything? Because if you are, won't I eventually discover that?

DO...
ask questions later. Questions help an ongoing sexual relationship move forward. They slow a new one down.

DO NOT STICK YOUR TONGUE IN MY EAR
The innocent, unfortunate ear (a) is a semi-discreet spot, (b) is a hole and (c) has folds. For these reasons, it has been ill-defined as a major erogenous zone. This is one of the great misperceptions in the history of Western civilisation.

DO...
tread lightly. I'm not saying never go for the ear. Just not every time. When you do, the ear is to be kissed gently, maybe licked on the edges, or nibbled with restraint. Then you can leave it alone. It's an ear.

DO NOT TRY TO STUFF YOUR SEMI-HARD PENIS INSIDE MY VAGINA
I understand: you're hoping it will get harder once it's in. Or you're thinking that if you act like everything's fine, then everything will be fine. Or maybe you're treating your penis like a stubborn teenager - you're going to show him who's boss and send him to his room. The only thing more humiliating than stuffing a flaccid penis inside someone is being stuffed by a flaccid penis. In this one wretched act, we can feel all of your fear, desperation and insecurity, concentrated in the precise place where you want us to feel something else.

DO...
anything but this. Kiss. Watch The OC. Order a pizza. Unless it's a recurring problem requiring medical or psychiatric attention, it's not a big deal. Really.

DO NOT REACH FOR MY CLITORIS
if you are in a position that is unsuitable for such a connection. Like when I'm clearly enjoying whatever we're doing. Or, say, if you're in the lounge watching TV and I'm in the kitchen making brisket. Such persistence is not admirable; it's annoying. It's good that you know clitoral stimulation is important. Now you need to know that if it's not done right - the right angle and pressure, the right motion - then it doesn't feel good, and it may even hurt.

DO...
ask. It might help to take her hand and say, "Show me what you like here". Then you can follow the motion of her hand, or she can guide yours until you've fi gured it out. In certain positions, a woman just doesn't want stimulation there, or prefers to do it herself.

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS
Having sex with a guy who shaves his balls is like riding a horse with a saddle made of broken glass. If you are going to shave, you're going to have to do it regularly. Say, every half hour.

DO...
embrace your hairiness. Unless you come up with a dignified solution - and they are expensive - try to accept your body hair. You're a guy. Your great great- grandfather was a gorilla.

DO NOT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
about ejaculating too fast, losing your erection or not being able to get one. An occasionally temperamental penis is no cause for alarm - but a guy who freaks out about it is. (If you make a big deal about it, we'll start to think maybe it really is a big deal.) Conversely, it's also not a good idea to act as if nothing happened, because, well, that is just bull, and that never fl ies.

DO...
acknowledge it, then laugh it off. The guy who says, "Wow, I usually only last for fi ve seconds, so that was a record" or "Gee, I guess those amazing anti-erection pills I got online are working" - that's the kind of guy who makes us want to try again. Later.

Read Her Signs

Learning to speak her language will strengthen your bond

My wife Kathy and I are very much alike, except for one thing: she loves to talk. Me, I have conversations in my head, and sometimes I think I’ve told her something when it never left my lips. That occasionally causes a rift between us.

Marriage counsellor Dr Gary Chapman says not only am I not talking, but when I do I’m probably not speaking Kathy’s “love language”. “Couples often speak different emotional love languages... As different as Chinese is from English,” says Chapman, “and no matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.” Chapman went through 12 years of notes from his counselling sessions and identified five types of emotional languages: quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. They formed the basis for his book The Five Love Languages, which has sold 3.4-million copies. If you can figure out what type of expression of love makes your partner feel most loved, says Chapman, you can dramatically improve your relationship.

“One reason couples argue so much is that they don’t feel loved,” he says, “and that makes their differences seem so much bigger.” After Kathy and I completed Chapman’s quiz (take it at bestlife.co.za/lovequiz), it was obvious that her love language was quality time: talking and togetherness. Chapman suggested three tips to help me learn to speak it:

1 I should set aside 10 minutes every night to give Kathy my full attention, to talk, listen or just be together.

2 When I talk to her by phone at work, I need to turn away from my email. “A lot of men pride themselves on multitasking,” he says. (Guilty as charged.) “But women see right through that. You’re not paying attention.”

3 In conversation, I should repeat back to her the points she’s making so that she can realise I’m listening and make sure I’m comprehending her.

The results, Chapman promises, will be dramatic. “I had a guy say to me, ‘My wife’s language is acts of service. If I had known that taking out the garbage before she asked me to was sexy to her, I’d have communicated that love to her long ago.’” And think of how much he might have saved on jewellery.

Pleasure Dome

Your essential manual: condom dos and don't for maximum pleasure

A User’s Guide:

The best way to protect yourself is by using latex condoms every time you have sex. Actually, the best way to protect yourself is by using condoms correctly – otherwise they’re not effective for contraception or protection. And a study in the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases reads like a horror show: half of people visiting a Colorado STD clinic reported condom-use mishaps. We asked Dr David Fletcher, medical director of SafeWorks Illinois an occupational health services company, to give us a refresher course on safety. Here are the points.

Don’t flush!
Latex is a notorious drain clogger. Tie it in a knot (trust us on this one) and throw it in the trash instead. Do use a widely recognised brand. This is on the list of things (Valentine’s Day presents, toilet paper) that you shouldn’t buy at the discount store.

Don’t reuse.
We’re sorry we have to include this one, but apparently some things aren’t obvious. Do check the expiration date. Old condoms are more likely to break.

Don’t tear the packet in half, or go at it with your teeth.
Rip off the top of the packet, making sure not to damage the condom. Do get the kind with the reservoir tip. Or make one, by pinching the very end of the condom as you’re rolling it on, so that there’s a little extra space right at the tip. Otherwise, you run the risk of breakage.

Don’t get us started on people who start having sex, stop and put on a condom to finish.
If your bits are anywhere near her bits, let alone in them, you should be wearing a condom. You’re probably familiar with “preejaculate” (that spot on the front of your boxers when you’re really turned on). The longer you’re hard, the more pre-come you produce. Problem? For the purposes of disease prevention, a body fluid is a body fluid. And if you’re worried about pregnancy, pre-come contains sperm. And it just takes one, baby. Do wait until you’re ready for intercourse. You don’t want to be doing too much rubbing up against her while you’re wearing it – even the silkiest panties can snag and damage latex.

Don’t carry them around in your wallet.
You know how it gets all bent and worn and then your wife gets you a new one for Christmas? All that bending and wearing is really, really bad for condom integrity.Do use latex condoms and wateror silicone-based lube. No Vaseline, lotions, moisturisers, cooking oil, mineral oil and oilbased lube.

Don’t flip it.
Start unrolling it on a finger first. If you start putting it on backward, don’t flip it over and continue – toss it and grab another. If you put it on wrong, toss it out and grab another. Yes, even if it has spermicide on it. Do roll it all the way down. All the way down to the very base of your penis.

Don’t hang out too long after the party’s over.
Pull out right after you come. And when you pull out, hold the bottom. Uh oh! What do you do if the condom breaks? Get your post-orgasmic butts out of bed; the clock is ticking. “Sperm can be in the cervical mucus within minutes,” says Dr Katherine Forrest. Translation: your little guys are about to do the tango with her fertile egg. First option: hope she has contraceptive foam with the spermicide nonoxynol-9, so she can spray (while you pray). Or, failing that, a vinegar douche (one to two tablespoons of vinegar to one litre of warm water), which is acidic enough to kill sperm. Medicine cabinet empty? Forrest recommends that your partner take a morning-after pill within 72 hours.

Native Tongue

Oral sex can lead to the best toecurling orgasm of her life.

For many women, oral sex is more intimate than penetration,” says sex therapist Dr Patti Britton. There’s no hard-and-fast rule about what your partner’s going to like. Some women love a very gentle, almost ghostlike sensation; others, particularly when they’re close to coming, want a much more aggressive stroke. Best bet: experiment with different parts of your tongue. Here are some specific moves you can try.

Start with the lips.
Kiss her labia as if you were kissing the lips on her face. Nuzzle your face in there. Lick her mound. Separate the outer lips, then the inner ones. Run your tongue around her labia.

Go in circles.
With a relaxed tongue, lick up and around the clitoris.