Learning to speak her language will strengthen your bond
My wife Kathy and I are very much alike, except for one thing: she loves to talk. Me, I have conversations in my head, and sometimes I think I’ve told her something when it never left my lips. That occasionally causes a rift between us.
Marriage counsellor Dr Gary Chapman says not only am I not talking, but when I do I’m probably not speaking Kathy’s “love language”. “Couples often speak different emotional love languages... As different as Chinese is from English,” says Chapman, “and no matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.” Chapman went through 12 years of notes from his counselling sessions and identified five types of emotional languages: quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. They formed the basis for his book The Five Love Languages, which has sold 3.4-million copies. If you can figure out what type of expression of love makes your partner feel most loved, says Chapman, you can dramatically improve your relationship.
“One reason couples argue so much is that they don’t feel loved,” he says, “and that makes their differences seem so much bigger.” After Kathy and I completed Chapman’s quiz (take it at bestlife.co.za/lovequiz), it was obvious that her love language was quality time: talking and togetherness. Chapman suggested three tips to help me learn to speak it:
1 I should set aside 10 minutes every night to give Kathy my full attention, to talk, listen or just be together.
2 When I talk to her by phone at work, I need to turn away from my email. “A lot of men pride themselves on multitasking,” he says. (Guilty as charged.) “But women see right through that. You’re not paying attention.”
3 In conversation, I should repeat back to her the points she’s making so that she can realise I’m listening and make sure I’m comprehending her.
The results, Chapman promises, will be dramatic. “I had a guy say to me, ‘My wife’s language is acts of service. If I had known that taking out the garbage before she asked me to was sexy to her, I’d have communicated that love to her long ago.’” And think of how much he might have saved on jewellery.
