Smooth talker

Cheesy one-liners don’t work here are five answers to improve your talent for talk

1. THE SEXY SECRETARY
“Your picture on the company website is disgusting.”

Marcia said: “That was the first thing my now-boyfriend said to me. He then immediately followed it up with ‘you’re a beautiful, sexy woman and it doesn’t do you justice’. The old ‘insult you then say a nice thing’ trick hardly ever fails. It’s surprising, it’s naughty and it implies he thinks you’re cool enough to be offended. Just don’t get the order the wrong way round, unless you’re after a slap.”


2. THE SEXY FRIEND
“I don’t want to sleep with you.”

Isobel said: “When it’s followed up with ‘I’d just like to hang out with you’, this works wonders. She’ll ask herself why you don’t want to sleep with her. All her insecurities run through her mind: is her bum too big? Her nose a little skew? Sure as can be, she will want to sleep with you just to prove to herself that she’s worth it.”


3. THE BLIND DATE
“I think you’re secretly a little mischievous.”

Katherine said: “You can’t go wrong with a good honest compliment. But never too superficial. Never talk about her figure, that’s slightly creepy. Face, clothes or hair is good. Or maybe a little curveball like ‘I think you’re secretly a little mischievous’ is unexpected, makes me feel special and has just the right element of ‘I think you would be great in bed’ in it.”


4. GIRL AT THE BAR
“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”

Lisa said: “Some slurring oaf with a half-eaten kebab for a shirt saying you’re the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on just makes you feel depressed. Even though ‘If I followed you home, would you keep me?’ is a little cheesy, that kind of spontaneous sense of humour can be the biggest aphrodisiac for a lot of single woman. It shows he’s confident and not afraid of making a fool of himself.”


5. LONG-TERM GIRLFRIEND
“I can’t wait to get you home.”

Ella said: “Whispered in the ear, this has the effect of saying to her: ‘Do you know how hard I’m finding it to concentrate without thinking of you naked, or what underwear you are, or aren’t wearing.’ And that makes you feel like the sexiest creature alive, which is hot. Of course, it’s a risky tactic on the first date.”

Defuse an explosive woman

1. Use body language. Touch her, lean forwards and maintain eye contact to show you’re involved.

2. Don’t ask “why” questions. “This creates an emotional response and puts her in fight-or-flight mode,” says Dr Carol Ritberger. Other questions are fine, especially if they show an interest in “how” or “when” you can solve the problem.

3. “Don’t assume she’s basing her decisions on emotion. There may be plenty of logic behind her reactions,” says counsellor Paula Hall. “They may just be charged with stress. And if you reckon they are based on emotion, don’t tell her.”

4. Don’t complain. “Countering her bickering with your complaints won’t work,” says psychosexual therapist Vicki Ford. “If you’re fighting to be heard, someone’s bound to lose.” It might well be you.

5. Don’t interrupt when she is talking. Actively listen to whether she uses kinaesthetic (“I feel”), auditory (“I hear”), visual (“I see”) or cognitive (“I think”) terms – and respond in her language. She’ll hear what it is you have to say more clearly.

Your new sex life?

Moving in together is the beginning of having a fabulous sex life – anywhere, any time. Living together shows a commitment to the relationship and this will help – especially her – to build closeness and connection. And being closer can only help turn your sex life from good to great. Just don’t take each other for granted now that you’re living under the same roof. Make sure you keep things adventurous in the bedroom – keep things special and you won’t fall into a rut.

Speak up for change

If you want your partner to change her behaviour, be clear and reasonable, not goofy or mushy. Researchers in New Zealand who videotaped 61 couples found that straightforward communication is more likely to lead to long-term results. A direct approach may seem to backfire at first, but works in the long run. Being indirect (using humour, for instance) can downplay your feelings. “Relying on the soft approach will leave your girlfriend unaware of the nature and severity of the problem,” says study author Dr Nickola Overall, of the University of Auckland.

What her past says

What was your wife like back at university? Women who have low intimacy levels at varsity may be more likely to divorce later in life, according to a study in Personal Relationships. When researchers at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst tracked down 167 people who had taken a psychological test 34 years earlier, they found the correlation – but only among women. Women tend to take a more active role than men in maintaining and working at a couple’s closeness, so a relationship in which the woman shows less intimacy may be more likely to falter, says study author Dr Mark Weinberger.

Avoid a lethal love spat

Unfortunately hot make up sex won’t fix this: one-sided arguments can harm your heart, according to a new University of Utah study. After 150 healthy couples discussed a contentious topic for six minutes, researchers performed CT scans and discovered that the men who had tried to dominate the argument had significant (and lasting) hardening of their coronary arteries. The result wasn’t any better when the women flexed their power: the men on the receiving end also experienced stiffened arteries. A seriously unbalanced argument can initiate a damaging stress response in a man’s body, says lead study author, Dr Tim Smith.

Men are wonderful

Next time a woman tells you that men are slime, refute her claim by citing new research found that men are more likely than women to put their partners’ happiness ahead of their own. This unremarkable conclusion came after a survey of altruistic tendencies among 1 300 men and women. True, the study found that women are more altruistic and empathetic in virtually all other areas of life, but that’s not the subject here. “Women are more empathetic toward abstract humanity – ‘strangers’ or ‘poor people’,” says study author Dr Tom Smith, “while men’s altruism is more focused on their intimate others.” Another finding: people who put the welfare of significant others ahead of their own were 17 percent more likely to describe themselves as happy in their marriages.