Your confession road map

Your past is sordid, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her. Check out your confession road map

There are few secrets these days. With a phone call or mouse click, she can uncover your dirty laundry - that weekend in Sun City, the yacht's worth of credit card debt. So a pre-emptive confession may be in order. Admitting to something wrong/dumb/illegal often provides instant relief. It's also best for her, if done with deft timing and judgment. Here's how to dredge up the past without driving her away.

What you should tell her
"Before speaking up, ask yourself two questions," says Dr Evan Imber-Black, author of The Secret Life of Families. "First, is this relevant information that your partner has a right to know? Second, will spilling it strengthen the relationship and breed intimacy?" Examples: STDs are highly relevant, as are bankruptcies to a couple buying a house. But your brief stint as a Stripo- Gram delivery man can stay private. Other mandated disclosures: prison stints, ongoing therapy or rehab and failed marriages.


When you should tell her
Come clean when your relationship is in cruise control. Neither tarnish a glow nor deepen a rut. "Don't wait so long that the other person wonders why you didn't tell them that before," says behavioural psychologist Dr Katherine Macie. An idle Tuesday on the stoep after a fight-free month is good. Right before guests arrive for your engagement party, not so good.


What you should leave out
Relationships aren't built on squeaky-clean sexual resumes. But beware of how much you share - relationship troubles are often caused by sexual histories, according to Dr Marilyn Fithian from the Centre of Marital and Sexual Studies. That session with your ex or where you learnt that trick? Stuff it. "The more specific you are, the easier it is for her to visualise your affairs and the more damage you'll do," says Fithian. Keep it general.

Spanking during sex

It is very important to establish the boundaries with your partner within your sexual relationship. Some women can be turned on by spanking, others can find it very offensive. Therefore before indulging in this sexual practice, talk with your partner. Sexual communication is extremely important in having a sexually satisfying relationship. A suggestion would be to make a list with your partner on "acceptable, fun" sexual ideas, "maybe, more risky" sexual ideas and "totally taboo" sexual ideas. You and your partner will know where to draw the line, and you will be on the same page.

Hit “play” for hot sex

Researchers discovered that women who watch X-rated films have better sex. In a poll of 300 women who watch porn, 68 percent said that skin flicks helped them better understand their desires in bed. Not sure how to broach the topic? Suggest it as foreplay. If she’s interested but hesitant, try films directed by Victoria Hart. Shot with a woman’s perspective, they emphasise sensuality, says sex therapist Dr Patti Britton. “She’s threatened by another woman turning on her man, but watching people having sex will arouse her,” Britton adds

Memory stick

Here’s why she dwells on old fights: women are more likely than men to believe that past arguments predict future problems. This tendency may increase her relationship anxiety.

DID YOU KNOW
53: Percentage of the average person’s worst memories that are directly related to a romantic relationship.

Reignite your marriage

5 ways to keep it going if you’ve already tied the knot

1. ADMIT TO BOREDOM
“The single biggest sexual problem in long-term relationships is boredom,” says sensual expert Jonti Seal. “People do the same, often limited, things again and again.” Before you can get to what’s exciting, you need to admit to yourself (and each other) that something is wrong.

2. PASSION HELPS
Rekindling enjoyment in bed is not only about sexual passion, but passion for life, for living, learning and growing. You can’t get this by popping a pill (or reading a magazine article) but if you’re miserable or stressed don’t be too hard on yourself if you have become crap in the sack.

3. BE SELFISH
Keep a sense of your self.“ You are responsible for your own pleasure and your own happiness, if you are married or not,” says Seal. The moment you give her this responsibility, you’re finished.

4. SHARE THE LOVE
“Communicating” isn’t only blow-job directions. It’s a conscious sharing, both mentally and emotionally. The emotional side is the sharing of feelings, which requires vulnerability. The mental side involves actively thinking about what you want, becoming aware and making it happen.

5. BUY HER STUFF
Once you have established her sexual likes and dislikes you can introduce some fun and games. “If you are uncertain about being the one to do this and how, why not take her for a Champagne lunch and suggest that you pop into an erotic store to ‘see what they have’”, says Shannon Delporte, owner of Kink, an adult boutique. Shopping together can be great foreplay.

Things that drive women wild

There are a few things that you should know about a woman

We all wish we had that special something that could lure the attractive brunette from across the bar.

Which is why we did a snap survey to find out what it is that attracts them to you. Our suggestion? If you think she’s worth the effort, take the time to find out a little more about her. You may be surprised to discover that it’s that little thing you already do which is her biggest turn on.

You may want to note that nice hands, a winning smile and a good sense of humour came out of most of the mouths of the women we asked. If you’re struggling in those three areas then here are 35 other idiosyncrasies that could sort out your love life once and for all.

1. Call me old fashioned, but chivalry is my ultimate weakness. Any man who pours my drink, opens the car door and generally follows the old school rules of being a real gentleman is going to get my attention. Leigh, 28, marketing manager

2. When he touches me secretly and no one else can see, like running his toes up the sole of my bare foot under the table. Gabriella, 24, product manager

3. When he’s just bathed and is standing there naked putting on aftershave... I want him right there. Thuli, 28, fund accountant

4. A guy who does his own grocery shopping and who can cook. Sheryl, 38, accounts manager

5. I love a man who has attitude, but it needs to be balanced. He needs to be able to tease and be teased. Lee, 25, brand manager

6. I love the strong silent type. The guy who stands on the periphery of a crowd and observes. Hannah, 30, psychologist

7. When we’re watching television and he strokes my face it drives me wild. It’s because he’s not trying to get sex that I feel so turned on. Sandra, 32, lawyer

8. A long, slow back massage and I’m as soft as putty in the sunshine. Mel, 54, financial advisor

9. Slow dancing on the dance floor, so close, that you can feel that manhood, boy oh boy… say no more! Glenda, 38, accounts manager

10. A man who is one of the guys is really appealing but then he also has to be able to dedicate his entire being to me. A man who says “for you I kill the bull” and actually means it is a definite winner. Liza, 25, graphic designer

11. A bloke in a white T-shirt and blue jeans. It’s the classic turn-on. Erin, 25, account manager

12. A guy who wears his shorts below his hip-bone. Shelley, 19, student

13. A man with contrasts in his personality. He needs to be serious when necessary but also make me roll around the floor laughing. Phillippa, 29, journalist

14. I love it when we spend quality time cooking dinner together. Those precious moments of intimacy just doing mundane things. Charmayne, 48, aromatherapist

15. A guy with huge shoulders who can literally envelope me. Louise, 28, accountant

16. A calm, gentle demeanor. Kassy, 30, sub-editor

17. Scruffy boys – the outdoorsy type who are active and down to earth. Justine, 25, online editor

18. That wink – across a bar, or crowded room – just to check that I’m okay and that he’s thinking of me. Robyn, 35, doctor

19. A guy who is slightly rugged; it’s a turn-off when a guy looks like he’s spent the last two days polishing and shining himself. Helen, 26, media planner

20. Smile lines. When he smiles and the lines around his eyes are accentuated. Angela, 30, import manager

Tune out temptation

Researchers at found that men who simply think about ways to protect their relationships are less likely to ogle hot women. In a study, men asked to develop solutions to sexual temptation were more likely to avoid images of attractive women in virtual reality than were control-group participants who thought about solving academic problems. Similarly, pondering the consequences of cheating may help a man resist temptation, says study author Dr John Lydon. So say to yourself, “If an attractive woman flirts with me, then I will do [blank] to protect my relationship.” You know, instead of your usual fantasy