The Sex Secret You’re Not Using

The often-overlooked smooch can win her heart, keep her happy and set your love life on fire

PERHAPS YOU’VE BEEN SOMEBODY’S BEST KISS. YOU WON HER OVER AND
made her swoon. You’ve probably also had your share of make-out disasters – either you didn’t put in the effort, or your mouth tasted like beer. The difference between the two? Chemistry – both literal and figurative. “A whole host of parameters converge at the moment your lips come together,” says Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at the University at Albany, US. “We subconsciously decipher this information in terms of the health and compatibility of the other person.

Kissing has a lot of power – it can either promote or negate the continuation of that relationship.”

If you don’t respect this power, your subpar canoodling around the campfire can earn you an unequivocal kiss-off from her. In Gallup’s 2007 study of 1 041 varsity students, 66 percent of the women reported being so turned off by kisses that their interest in the men evaporated. On the other hand, being a great kisser – mastering those lingering, luxuriant lip-locks that she loves but that men tend to shun – can dramatically boost the frequency and quality of your bedroom action, studies suggest.

Clearly, you can’t afford to take chances. So spend some time honing this vital mating skill, whether you’re targeting a promising holiday fling or sidling up to your long-term mate. What follows is our guide to the many things a little lip can do.

MAKE HER YOURS
“The first kiss can indicate the passion, ability and experience a potential partner has. I often hear guys and girls talk about that first
kiss as the determining factor for the next date,” says Men’s Health’s on-call sexual health practioner Dr Tanya Robinson. When she’s sizing up your potential as a suitable and genetically-compatible mate, her attention will linger on your mouth. The University at Albany study showed that the appearance of a man’s teeth helps determine his kissability. Women in the study were also more likely than men to factor in chemical cues – his breath, for example, and the taste of his mouth. Gallup argues that this is because kissing provides information about a person’s health and hormonal status, because the sebaceous glands (densely concentrated on the face) are regulated by sex hormones.

Lip service
Don’t try to telegraph your genetic suitability right away. Instead, wait until the second or third date. “I love it when the tension builds up so much that it feels like we’ve been waiting ages for the kiss, and then we can’t stop for hours,” says Laura, a brand manager. “The best ones are worth waiting for.” When it is go time, a little preparedness will pay off. Consider packing one of the new single-use micro-toothbrushes, such as the Colgate Wisp. It has a liquid-filled “breath bead” and doesn’t require water to rinse
(R394 for a pack of two, www.wantitall.co.za). Then take the initiative. “If a man is coming off as self-assured, this will make him appear more attractive at the moment of the kiss,” says interpersonal communication expert Kandi Walker. Most importantly, start off slowly. “Kiss lightly around her mouth, on her cheeks or on her neck – that’s a very sensual thing to do,” says Andréa Demirjian, who interviewed 250 women and men for her book Kissing: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About One of Life’s Sweetest Pleasures. “Then when you reach her mouth, kiss her very softly on the lips – no insert-tongue-here kisses. Going slowly is sure to entice her.”

KEEP HER HAPPY – AND ENTHUSIASTICOnce she’s yours, going face-to-face on a regular basis is vital for the health of a long-term union. “The frequency of a couple’s kissing has implications about issues like abandonment, divorce and infidelity,” Gallup says. But according to the women surveyed, men aren’t delivering the goods as often as they should. Gallup’s study found that men use kissing primarily as a means to an end – to advance sexual relations. Yet women mainly use kissing as a way to monitor the status of the relationship and their partner’s commitment.

Lip service “Make an effort to kiss her even when sex isn’t on the cards,” suggests Gallup. “That way there’s an affectionate and a sexual component to kissing.” After sex, he says, is another key time: women usually initiate post-romp kissing, the study showed. Long term, the more persistent you are with the kisses, the more sex you’ll have. “Male saliva has trace amounts of testosterone – and testosterone is an aphrodisiac,” Gallup says. “So passing saliva during open-mouth kissing over extended periods might help raise her testosterone levels and affect her sex drive.”

REDUCE HER STRESS
Kissing can help melt tension away. When researchers from Lafayette College, US,studied couples who either kissed, held hands or talked for 15 minutes, they found that the kissers had the lowest blood levels of cortisol, a hormone that contributes to feelings of stress and anxiety. Additionally, there was a rise in oxytocin – the “cuddle drug” associated with attachment and the sense of calm and security we feel in relationships – in the men.

Lip service
To make sure your partner harnesses the same positive effects from a makeout session as you do, up the romance. “The setting of a kiss can affect how women perceive it,” says Walker. In fact, in the Lafayette College study, women’s oxytocin levels decreased during kissing when the environment was clinical. When the researchers switched to a more attractive environment, the women reported feeling greater intimacy with their partner.

SEND PROBLEMS PACKING
When things go awry in a relationship, kissing can be your cavalry. “There is still lots to learn about kissing in a relationship. When
you feel comfortable, kissing can become a game with both of you learning new techniques and skills to please your partner.” advises Robinson. “Kissing is not only a passionate experience, but an emotional one too. Putting your emotions into a kiss will make a good kiss great.” A study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy showed that kissing her on the lips can make resolving conflict easier. “It’s much more powerful than we realise,” says Gallup.

Lip service
Punctuate your impassioned apology with kisses elsewhere on her face, as well as on her hands, neck and stomach. When Princeton University psychologist Michael Graziano conducted research on our defensive flinching and blocking mechanisms, these areas proved to be the most heavily defended parts of our bodies and the most erotic to kiss. A lot of mating behaviour, he argues, is an exaggerated way to show the status of your defensive radar. “By allowing her partner’s teeth near her throat, she is in effect communicating that she’s turning her radar down, and that she’s doing it intentionally for him,” Graziano says. “That is a very encouraging message.” He adds: “There’s nothing more vulnerable and more erotic than kissing someone’s eyelid – you have to really trust someone to let them kiss your eye.”

Get Back In the Game

Bag yourself the woman of your dreams with this guide to finding those hot singles who always seeemed to be there when you weren't available...

YOUR HOURS ARE LONG,your financial worries even longer. Short, however, is your list of available, gorgeous, women to date. The reason? Marriage is taking a back seat to career plans for men, with the odds of you heading back into the dating game in your late twenties and thirties higher than ever, according to a study by Rutgers University in New Jersey. The only problem is that women are more likely to marry earlier and, thanks to birth rate and mortality trends, there are now half a million more eligible single men in their thirties than women, found an Edinburgh University study. “Social norms are different and the women you’re after are older with different needs and priorities,” says Siski Green, author of How To Blow Her Mind In Bed. Luckily, we’ve done the hard work for you. Turn over for five ways to raise your dating game – second time around.

1 Match your interests
THEN You’d practise your linesNOW Take up a hobby
Market research firm Penn Schoen Berland found 34 percent of single women in their late twenties and thirties don’t actively look for a partner as they don’t think they’ll find someone they have anything in common with. “Take up an interesting hobby,” says Leil Lowndes, author of How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You. “You’ll meet women you already have something in common with, and it’ll help build confidence. Look her in the eye and say in your head ‘I like you’,” says Lowndes. “The time it takes to do this is the optimum length of lingering eye contact. Secondly, repeating it will soften your features so you look more approachable. And thirdly, it’ll stop you thinking ‘does she like me?’, which would make you seem nervous and shy.” Just don’t say it out loud or you’ll be barred from Adult Creative Pottery classes.

2 Get a female point of viewTHEN You’d get your mate to act as a wingman in a clubNOW Enlist your female friends
You could definitely lose your dignity on that dance floor, and the odds are you won’t find love there. A study by the University of Michigan found while 50 percent of 18 year olds go to bars or clubs twice a week, only 25 percent of 32 year olds venture out even once a week. There’s a better way: recent studies at Temple University in Pennsylvania found that 63 percent of longterm couples were introduced by friends, especially female friends. “Newly single men in their thirties get far more support from their female friends than women when it comes to meeting a new partner,” says Dr Judith Sills, author of Getting Naked Again. “They’re far more likely to suggest matches, arrange dates and help you adapt to single life.” It may be tempting to let them broker the whole deal for you, but it’s worth asking for the lady’s phone number and calling to arrange the date yourself. Studies published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior found that you can instinctively and accurately predict how physically attractive you’ll find a woman from her voice alone. This is because attractive women are more confident, so they subconsciously alter their pitch and tone to sound more feminine and seductive. Call it the aural sex test.


3 “Screen test” her first
THEN Dinner and a filmNOW You both screen your datesDon’t commit to a hefty restaurant bill and an interminable rom-com. It’s now acceptable to schedule a “pre-date” – a daytime meet or early evening drink. “Women in their thirties are also jaded by the dating process, so don’t want to waste their time on dates that are going nowhere,” says Green. “A pre-date takes the pressure off – if there’s no spark you don’t have to spend the evening together. You’ll also escape the regimented awkwardness of the dinner date, so you’ll both act more naturally and you’ll get a more accurate impression of her.” Even if it’s going well, cut it short. A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found leaving her wanting more will increase her desire. And it’ll leave you time to see the lovely lady from last week’s pre-date.

4 Quickly silence her fears
THEN You’d impress her by picking up the bill
NOW You’ll impress her by shutting up
Forget the quick-draw on the gold card: women in their late twenties and thirties are less impressed with displays of wealth than younger women because they have more equal earning power, according to University of Michigan studies. They’re now looking for a caring partner who’ll be a source of emotional support. You don’t need to start offering her hugs over aperitifs, just don’t pay too much lip-service to the classic date mistake: a recent study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior found that the only breach of dating etiquette that will turn her off straight away is you talking too much about yourself. She’ll interpret this as selfish, and stop seeing you as a potential partner. If you’re already thinking of taking your displays of wealth to the more impressionable younger crowd, tread carefully. Oxford University studies found men in their thirties will often overestimate their level of attractiveness because of their increased earning power and set their sights on women who are either too young or too attractive. Though, as Michael Douglas would probably tell you, it’s always worth having a crack.

5 Conquer the ex factor
THEN She thought you were her first loveNOW She needs to know about your careful previous owners
Like the inglorious post-storeroom-cupboard-indiscretion exit from your second job, you know blemishes on your relationship CV can come back to haunt you. “When you enter a relationship a little older, your past can catch up to be a lose-lose,” says Green. “Mention your ex too soon and your new interest will think you’re not over her; keep quiet and she’ll think you have something to hide.” Deny any ex history altogether, and you’ll face those awkward questions about exactly why you had to leave the priesthood. “As a general rule, don’t mention your ex until date four,” says Green. “This is when the first half of her screening process is over and she will have decided she is sexually interested in you.” Then, when you do mention your “previous”, use a little psychological sneakiness to turn it from a negative to a positive. University of California studies found that women use past relationship behaviour to predict future conflicts. “She’s going to be studying you for both verbal and nonverbal clues,” says Richard La Ruina, author of The Natural Art of Seduction. “If you use your ex’s name, for example ‘Vicky is really jealous’, it turns her into a person, while the present tense ‘is’ implies an emotional connection remains.” Here’s how to keep Vicky out of the picture: “When you speak, meet your new love interest’s eye – it indicates honesty. Put your hands palm up on the table to indicate openness, then say, ‘It was fun for a while, but we just drifted apart.’ This phrasing de-personalises everything and ‘was’ works as an emotional trigger word, firmly establishing that Vicky is in the past.” Until she starts sticking your pets in a casserole dish.

Heat In a Hurry

Use these tips to boost your sex life

1 ENDLESS BICKERING
Fighting over serious issues is normal, but bickering can cramp your sex life, says Dr Valerie Davi Raskin, author of Great Sex For Moms. Unless compromise is easy, “it’s often better to put minor disputes aside,” she says. “You shouldn’t talk over everything endlessly.” In our survey, the most trivial quarrels were about the house. Avoid them by playing to each other’s strengths. Then divvy up the decisions accordingly.

2 CONFLICTING SCHEDULES
Sixty-hour workweeks plus social plans can leave her too tired to tango. But pumping up the passion at the beginning of your week sets the tone for days to come. Go to the gym together on Monday or Tuesday: studies show both sexes experience a surge of libido-boosting testosterone 30 minutes after a workout. Shower then hit the bedroom. “It’ll zap stress and the sexual momentum will last through the weekend,” says Dr Michael Breus, author of Good Night.

3 LATE-NIGHT TV
Here’s a disturbing set of characteristics: Italian researchers found that having a television in your bedroom halves your sex tally, yet 64 percent of couples keep a set in the boudoir. “Getting it on is about putting the brain and body in a passionate state – TV does the opposite,” says Heidi Raykeil, author of Confessions of a Naughty Mommy. Can’t quit? Record your favourite shows to watch them on the weekend.

4 A HOUSEFUL OF KIDS
If tantrums and nappies are polluting your passion, ditch the kids (for a night). “It’s all about creating opportunity,” Raskin says. “Spontaneity is enviable, but planned sex can be great too.” Particularly if you are not getting enough. You know that couple next door? They’re probably in the same situation, so propose a kid swop. You take theirs on a Friday, they take yours on a Saturday. If the neighbours are freaks, go home when the kids aren’t: lunch time. Nearly 40 percent of women would get frisky at noon.

5 AN EXTRA SLICE OF PIE
Hoovering down a romantic dinner can backfire. Share an entrée to eat less, and spark a passion interaction, says Bunny Crumpacker, author of The Sex Life of Food. “Choosing a meal together and sharing the dish can boost your sense of cooperation,” she says. Your best bet: whip up a dish at home – 66 percent of the women surveyed said they’d be more likely to have sex after a home-cooked meal.

She'll Like You Better After You Read This

12 rules guaranteed to make you a better lover – tonight



1 THE GREATER YOUR FOCUS, THE HOTTER THE SEXWhat’s the best way to unlock a woman’s wildest desires in bed? “Passion,” said 42 percent of the women we surveyed. “That means being in the moment and not being distracted,” says pschologist Joel Block, author of Secrets of Better Sex. “Sex is a conversation, and she doesn’t want to feel like you wish you had your Blackberry.” A woman takes attendance during sex in many ways, and the strongest signal you can send comes from your mouth. More than 90 percent of women we surveyed said a man’s primal panting turns them on. But for real results, use words over Tarzan grunts if you can. “You want to reassure her, ‘Do that more’, ‘That feels so good’ or ‘Oh, I love that’,” says sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be. Beyond giving her a confidence boost, the extra sensory seduction intensifies the experience. Non-verbal communication is important, too. Bursts of eye contact, lip nibbles and any other kind of physical or verbal communication shows her she’s the one pushing your buttons, not some fantasy fembot in your head. If the soulful eye lock is not for you, bury your face in her neck, run the tip of your tongue from her collarbone to her ear lobe and whisper exactly why she’s driving you so crazy.

2 FOREPLAY CAN BE THE MAIN EVENT
“‘Foreplay’ is a terrible word because it implies that it’s leading to something more important,” says sexuality counsellor Beverly Whipple, a co-author of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality. “You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.” The women we surveyed agreed: two in five said their last orgasm occurred during foreplay itself, not intercourse. What’s more, when asked to rank their partners’ bedroom skills, the women’s top two complaints were a lack of sexual creativity and subpar manual sex skills, in that order. Ouch. Your move? Tell her you want to go three sack sessions sans penetration. Ditching the same old script – foreplay, sex, cuddling – will help your creative instincts spring to life. Bonus: sexual novelty recreates those early-relationship, takeme- now hormones, says psychiatrist Dr Daniel Amen, author of Sex On the Brain: 12 Lessons To Enhance Your Love Life.

3 PLEASURE DOESN’T ALWAYS EQUAL SATISFACTION
The good news is you can give a woman both. In a Kinsey Institute study, both women and men agreed that sex without condoms feels better – but women said using protection actually helps them feel more satisfied overall in the sack. Even those using hormonal birth-control methods felt the effect: when they used condoms, they reported a 17.5 percent higher rate of overall satisfaction with their sex lives. Why? This one’s a no-brainer. When women worry less (say, about STIs), they enjoy themselves more.

4  “GENTLE” MEANS MORE THAN JUST “EASY, GUY”
“That word is a woman’s code telling you to be more sensitive to her cues,” says Block. The more nerve-dense the hot spot is on a woman’s body, the more careful your approach should be. Clitoral contact in particular feels abrasive without a proper warm-up, says Lou Paget, a sex educator and author of How To Be a Great Lover. If a woman yips or inhales suddenly when you go there – instead of purring or moaning – you’ve jumped the gun. Use indirect stimulation first, paying careful attention to her reactions as a guide. The nerve-packed clitoris actually extends several centimetres under the skin on either side of her vagina (like a wishbone), which means you can massage it without direct pressure to the bud. Trace the extensions with flat, wide, extra-wet tongue strokes or slow finger zigzags. (Don’t forget lube.) Then rub a slow spiral around the top, drawing closer with each pass. The combination of anticipation and indirect contact will bring her pleasure centres to life. If she coos, you’ve found her sweet spot. If she seems to lose focus, fidgets or gasps, take a step back.

5  CLIMATE IS CRUCIAL FOR CLIMAX
Egyptian cotton and dimmer switches can’t hurt, but your love chamber’s thermostat is just as important, according to Dutch sex researchers. “At the beginning of our trials, only 50 percent of our female subjects were able to reach orgasm,” says study author Dr Gert Holstege, chairman of the centre for uroneurology at the University of Groningen, in the Netherlands. “But we learnt they were uncomfortable because they had cold feet. We gave them socks, and 80 percent reached orgasm.” The socks aren’t the secret, though. “The amygdala and prefrontal cortex – the brain areas responsible for anxiety, fear and danger signals – strongly decrease their activation during orgasm,” says Holstege. “A pleasant environment, which includes the room temperature, is an important part of making her feel safe, secure and comfortable,” he adds. “Imagine the ideal day at the beach,” says Tristan Taormino, director of Vivid Entertainment’s porn series Chemistry. “You want it just warm enough that she’s happy to shed a layer or two, but not so hot that you’ll end up drenched once you exert yourself.”

6  POSITIONS ARE POINTLESS WITHOUT A PURPOSE“There’s no need to be overly fancy during sex – the very best positions are the ones that focus on the clitoris,” says Levkoff. Want to amp up her pleasure without risking a hamstring cramp? Ditch the flesh pretzel for these modified standards.
They’re all designed to boost stimulation to her clitoris, which has even more nerve endings than the head of your penis.

A. MISSIONARY
Instead of inand-out thrusting, “have her grind against you in circles,” says sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Secrets of a Supersexpert. “Keepas much of the base of your penisin contact with her outer lips as possible.” Another option: place two or three pillows under her butt to lift it off the bed at an angle. You’ll rub against her more when thrusting.

B. GIRL ON TOP
Make a V with two fingers, and place it so the point of the V (just between the two knuckles) is directly over her clitoris. Your fingers should come down on either side of your penis as she rides you. “This will stimulate the clitoris, inner labia and urethra – as well as add intensity for you,” Cox says.

C. DOGGY-STYLE
“Have her lift her butt up or spread out your legs to move down and touch the supersensitive vaginal wall,” Cox says. Then reach around to play with her clitoris using your fingers. (Use a small vibrator for extra intensity.) For over-the-top stimulation of her most nervepacked parts, “keep thrusting short and shallow, rather than deep and fast”.

7  CLUB ORGASM ISN’T “MEMBERS ONLY”
Only one in five women we surveyed said their last orgasm came during penetration. “Most younger women want their partners
to slow down and use their hands and mouths more,” says Australian sex researcher Juliet Richters, who surveyed more than 19 000 people for her book Doing It Down Under. In her survey, more than 90 percent of women were able to reach orgasm when their partners used only oral and manual stimulation. Here’s the rub: 52 percent of the women we surveyed said they’ve made a guy stop because they were afraid of taking too long. So how can you be sure she’s not letting you off easy? “Say ‘I love doing this. Are you sure you want me to stop?’” Whipple says. If you’re the one worried about 20-plus minutes of tiring tongue-lapping, “don’t go faster – it won’t make her reach orgasm sooner,” Cox says. “If anything, slow down. The gentler and slower and more consistent you are, the quicker she’ll arrive.” Another option: enlist help. A small vibrator on her clitoris and your moist lips everywhere else should do the job.

8  A QUICKIE SHOULDN’T END WITH “THANKS!”
Only half of all women can reach orgasm when sex lasts 10 minutes or less, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “That means during a quickie, you will probably finish and she won’t,” says Levkoff. If she does not orgasm, make sure you will have access to future rapid-fire sessions by saying, “Later tonight, it’s going to be all about you.” Then follow through on that promise.

9 THE G-SPOT HAS FRIENDS. GET TO KNOW THEM
The G-spot and the clitoris aren’t the only bullseyes. “The most recent anatomical research suggests that the clitoris is perhaps better described as the ‘clitoral complex’, where the vagina, urethra and clitoris all function as a unit rather than as individual parts,” explains Kinsey Institute researcher and Men’s Health writer Debby Herbenick. Try working that clitoral complex by hitting multiple hot spots at once. Some researchers believe there’s something called an A-spot, located far inside the vagina on the side closest to her belly button. “Stroke this spot and she’ll lubricate almost instantly,” Cox says. “Put one lubed finger into her vagina as far as it will comfortably go. Use the whole length of your finger to explore the front wall of her vagina.” Now triple the sensation: stick both index and middle finger inside her, and stick out your thumb like you’re hitchhiking. It’ll pull your fingers more snugly against her vaginal walls, stimulating both the Aspot and G-spot simultaneously. Then use your thumb to also stimulate her clitoris, and gently twist your hand.

10  “READY” IS ALL RELATIVE
“Just because a woman is lubricated doesn’t mean she’s ready for sex,” says Richters. Your woman’s real prime time comes once she reaches a phase of arousal called “uterine tenting”. It’s just like it sounds: the uterus backs out of the way and the vagina grows in length by almost three centimetres. “You’ll experience deeper penetration, and the vagina will provide an intense grip to the head of your penis,” says Barbara Keesling, a lecturer on human sexuality and author of Men In Bed. “The orgasms are incredible.” Keesling says the best position is the butterfly: “Have her lie on her back and pull her knees up to her shoulders, tilting her pelvis so her vagina points up almost to the ceiling,” she says. Since tenting can take anywhere from 30 seconds to, well, forever, focus on synchronising the stimulation between your penis and her outer lips before entering her. Lie pressed against each other with your penis snug between her legs, allowing her to slide and rub against you while you use your hands and mouth elsewhere. The warm, slick and firm contact will bring her to a boil in no time.

11  WANT TO HAVE SEX? THEN DO THE DISHES
“If a woman is distracted by anything – work, lack of sleep, chores, a fight she had with a friend – it can interfere with her arousal,” says Whipple. Seven in 10 women we surveyed said helping around the home was a turn-on, but men do only about 30 percent of the chores, according to the Council on Contemporary Families. The women we surveyed said they’d be most grateful if you did the dishes, cooked dinner and did the laundry, in that order. Score bonus points: don’t brag.

12  DON’T MAKE ORGASM YOUR ONLY GOAL
A 2008 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that stress about sexual performance significantly decreases female arousal. “Whatever you do, don’t ask, ‘Are you close?’ or ‘Did you come?’” Whipple says. “It’s distracting and it adds unnecessary pressure.” See if you’re on the right track by asking questions such as, “Do you like that?” instead. And if you’re waiting for her to reach orgasm during penetration, it can be better to finish first, rather than holding out for half an hour. “Women don’t have orgasms every time. They know it’s not necessarily their partner’s fault,” Whipple says. Levkoff adds, “You can always go back and use your hands.”

Warm Her Up

There’s no need for wet weather to dampen your, eh... spirit

The mercury isn’t the only thing that bottoms out in winter. Thanks to chilly winds, dry skin, static hair and heavy clothing, her libido could wane too. But “you shouldn’t let your love life be controlled by the climate,” says Dr Linda Banner, author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. “Winter can actually be one of the best times of the year for getting close.” Follow these steps to keep her hot this winter, no matter how cold the weather.

CONTROL HER THERMOSTAT

Lower-body temperatures dampen arousal for both men and women, thanks to constricted blood vessels and a slowed heart rate. It’s basic science: if your skin is warmer, it’s more sensitive; if it’s colder, it’s less sensitive. Don’t wait until you spot goosebumps to warm her up. Before the sun dips, hand her a hoodie to prevent her initial chill. With any luck you’ll be pulling it off again in no time.

EMBRACE YOUR INNER SAP

Spend the cooler months by the fi reside or exploring the countryside: rekindle some of her warmest winter memories, says Banner, and the glow she’ll experience will shine on you, too. “We’re connected with our traditions in powerful ways,” says Banner. “If you hit the right memory touchstones, she’ll feel more connected and willing to unwind.”

BRING HER THE RIGHT BLOOM

Flowers in winter? Sure, if you choose correctly. Once they’re cut, hothouse blooms are fragile in cold weather. Instead, consider a living Cymbidium orchid. “It blooms in colder climates until the fi rst frost, but it can bloom year-round in your home,” says Valerie Smith, special events director with the American Orchid Society. “With the right amount of light, water and fertiliser, it will come back next year.” A good low-maintenance option: the Christmas cactus. It might sound like seasonal schmaltz, but the plant looks great (it flowers in winter) and doesn’t require frequent watering. Just make sure it has bright, indirect light during the day and uninterrupted darkness at night.

INDULGE HER NESTING INSTINCTS

She spends more time indoors during winter than any other season, which means giving her a new outlook on the same old digs can pay dividends. “We tend to get bored with anything we’ve seen a million times,” says interior designer Melinda Sechrist. “But a fresh environment helps create energy, and you never know where that energy might lead.” A few easy ways to change things up: a new duvet cover (“In the winter, duvets, blankets and pillows can make the room feel cosy,” Sechrist says); a new paint scheme in the bedroom; or a clutter-clearing array of shelves. If you live in an open-plan home that has few walls separating areas, consider rearranging some furniture to create more clearly divided living spaces. A Cornell University study found that residents of homes with greater architectural depth (the number of spaces you pass through to get from one room to another) may be less stressed and socially anxious.

Unleash Her Lust

Use these win-win strategies to bring out the tigress in her.

Oral
Think of a continuum: to the one side are the Victorians, who used penis rings to stop young boys from masturbating, and on the other are the Bonobo chimps, who smooth social interactions by engaging in rampant sex. Where would you place your mate on this continuum – Victorian or Bonobo? If you’d like to unleash her inner beast then it’s time to figure out her hang-ups – and how to overcome them. Hopefully, the next time there’s a tussle over the last slice of pizza, she will resolve the conflict the Bonobo way.

1 SHE DOESN’T LIKE HER BODY“Tons of women have body-image issues,” says Dr Claire Rockliffe-Fidler, a psychosexual therapist in private practice in Cape Town. And the media is largely to blame. Check out any movie, magazine or newspaper: they’re dripping with drop-dead gorgeous women. We all know those pictures are the result of clever lighting, photo retouching and other tricks of the trade, but on a subliminal level many women feel they don’t match up. As a result, they feel inhibited to shed their clothes and abuse your body the way you like it. Strategy Make her feel good about herself so she’s able to relax into intimacy, says Rockliffe-Fidler. That’s not just about telling her she looks good. It’s also about showing her that you’re attracted to her (and not just during sex). Try a well-timed wolf whistle when she enters the room or maintain eye contact during a conversation while you smooth a strand of hair behind her ear. Reward If she’s comfortable in her skin, she won’t have to suck in her tummy when she’s on top or cringe when you do it doggie-style. Special tip If she’s too self-conscious naked, do it with some of her clothes on. It’s wildly sexy to push her skirt just high enough or fondle her breasts while she keeps her bra on.

2 SHE DOESN’T LIKE GIVING ORAL SEX
If she doesn’t enjoy giving you oral sex, it is possibly because she dislikes the look and taste of semen or is afraid that your penis will stimulate her gag reflex, explains Dr David Delvin, sex therapist and author of The Good Sex Guide. Strategy Pushing her head down during lovemaking isn’t going to solve the problem. Nor is making a big hoo-ha about the whole thing. Talk through any misconceptions she might have. Many women are unfamiliar with a man’s penis and its day-to-day rhythms; let her make friends with the big fella when he’s resting. Walk around naked or let her see you in the shower, not just when he wants to come out to play. Reward She won’t fall pregnant. Special tip If she does make the trip down under, make sure you reward her efforts with appreciative moans.

Big O
3 SHE WON’T ADMIT TO ANY FANTASIES
It may be easy for you to come up with a different fantasy for every day of the week, but she may be having more diffi culty stocking up her erotic library. Dr Andrew Stanway, clinician and author of The Joy of Sexual Fantasy, says that many people – especially women – experience guilt about their sexual fantasies. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have them; it just means that their imaginations sanitise and package them in a way that is more acceptable to them. So what do high-guilt women fantasise about? Being dominated by a man who finds them irresistible, explains Stanway. Their fantasies tend to involve faceless lovers and are generally less vivid than women whose sex-guilt levels are lower.
Strategy Let her read the sexual fantasies of other women. Try What Turns Us On by Iris and Steven Finz; Women On Top by Nancy Friday or Sex Fantasies By Women For Women by Lisa Sussman. Reward Fantasy is a great sex aid. Perhaps she imagines a good spanking or a threesome... whatever gets her going works towards her arousal during foreplay and
penetration, explains Stanway. Special tip Nancy Friday, the author of a variety of books on fantasy – both male and female – advises against asking her directly whether she has fantasies, as all you’re likely to hear is “I don’t know” or “no”. Rather make a more general comment, such as: “Apparently women tend to fantasise that the men they’re having sex with are faceless.” Then ask whether she agrees with this. You’ve now opened up a discussion.

4 SHE DOESN’T KNOW HER OWN BUTTONS
“I see couples in their thirties, many of whom have had sex with few other partners, in which the women know very little about their own responses and capacity for pleasure,” says New York sex therapist Joy Davidson, author of Fearless Sex, on www.msnbc.com. Strategy This is a time you definitely want to stop for directions. Ask her: “Does it turn you on if I do this? And now?” Let her tell you how her body is responding. That way, she’ll be forced to assess what it feels like for her. Reward Once she’s mapped her body’s hot spots, next time around she’ll reach her destination easier and even quicker.
Special tip Encourage her to use a vibrator, with or without you. She’s sure to climax and know what her body feels like at various arousal levels, including the Big O.

Touch
5 SHE DOESN’T LIKE RECEIVING ORAL SEX
“We all know the vagina isn’t exactly the most attractive body part, but it’s worth lying through your teeth. Even the most sexually secure woman gets paranoid sometimes about whether she looks, smells or tastes okay,” says Tracey Cox, author of The Sex Doctor. Many women feel inhibited about the appeal of their sex organs. Here’s one giveaway: how many women do you know with pet names for their vaginas? “Many women think they’re ugly and have never even looked at this part of their body,” says Rockliffe-Fidler. That’s the equivalent of not knowing what your penis looks like. Strategy Have a sexy bath or shower together before making out; now she knows she’s spotless all over. Light some scented candles in the bathroom, put on some music and score double points for being romantic. When you’re down there, tell her how exciting you find her vagina, advises Rockliffe-Fidler. Tell her that her natural scent drives you wild. Reward If you lived in Australia between 2001 and 2002, you may have been one of the approximately 19 000 people who were asked about their last sexual encounter during a national telephone survey. Of interest were your activities: vaginal, oral, anal and/or manual, and whether you had an orgasm. The findings were published in the Journal of Sex Research. The results? Among others, the researchers found that “women were more likely to reach orgasm in encounters including cunnilingus”. Science has never been sexier! Special tip Reinforce the allure of her sweet spot by showing her. “Lick your fingers with relish after touching her,” says Cox. “At the time, she may go, ‘yuck, that’s gross’, but secretly she’ll be pleased.” Come on, you’ll probably enjoy it too.


6 SHE’S TOO CONSERVATIVE
Who else is in the bed with her, causing her to clam up? Unfortunately, we’re not talking about her best friend or her sexy sister, but her parents. ’Fraid so. Her mom’s there
somewhere, and so is her dad. They’re in her head, but that doesn’t mean they’re not having a direct effect on her sexual pleasure. “We’re all products of the generation before, and your parents’ attitude to sex heavily influences what you’ll think about it,” says Cox. If her mother was more likely to spend the evenings knitting, what can you do to ensure the pattern’s not repeated? Strategy Find out what it was like for her growing up. Did family members walk around naked? Did she regard her parents as sexually active? Gently challenge some of her thoughts, especially those that involve a “should” or a “should not”. Ask her how she would like to raise her own children when it comes to sex education. Reciprocate with stories from your childhood. If her views seem to cause her distress and make her anxious, gently suggest that she talks to a therapist about them. Reward Exposing our vulnerabilities steps up emotional intimacy; emotional intimacy
paves the way for sensual lovemaking. Special tip If you’re both feeling close and loving, try these tips for romantic sex:
1. Maintain eye contact during the entire erotic encounter – it’s wildly intimate.
2. Give yourself oodles of time to slowly explore your lover’s body. Let her excitement bubble, not boil over.
3. Touch those parts of her that you don’t usually: her eyelids (tip: make sure her eyes are closed first), cheekbones, the contours of her lips, the base of her spine, behind her knees. Vary the pressure of your touch, from light trailing fingers or lips to much harder. This builds sexual tension.
4. If you’re giving her a sensual massage, keep one hand on her body at all times, this helps to keep the two of you constantly physically connected.

Senses
7 SHE WANTS THE LIGHTS OFFYou want to see it all, but she’s under the covers in a second, with the bedside lamp off in two. What’s a man to do? Strategy Delvin advises a gradual progression: from romantic candlelight to a sidelight with a coloured or normal bulb. If you’re making love during the day, use the same principle: slowly increase the amount of light in the room by fi rst keeping the curtains closed and then gradually opening them a crack. Understand that this inhibition is likely to stem from her insecurity about her body. Flatter her body shape and don’t ogle other women in her presence. Reward It’s a well-known fact that men are visually aroused – the shapely curve of her bottom, the gentle roundness of her breast... need we say more? Special tip If she’s willing to try a blindfold, the sensory deprivation may make her other senses more sensitive. Plus, she won’t be able to see the light – and the power play of being blindfolded may get her really hot.


8 SHE DOESN’T PLEASURE HERSELF
There are two groups of women: those who admit to masturbating and those who don’t (admit to it). Just kidding. There are indeed women who don’t know how to bring themselves off or, if they do know how, are reluctant to, especially if their partners are watching. Psychological Bulletin found that 92 percent of men are likely to masturbate, compared with a paltry 58 percent of women. Here’s what you should do to get her pleasuring herself, preferably in your company. Strategy If she’s shy to masturbate in front of you, tell her it’s one of your hottest fantasies and it would bring you much pleasure. Ask her if it would turn her on and help her feel less inhibited if you touched yourself at the same time – some women love to watch a man bringing himself off. If she’s never masturbated before – and this is highly unlikely – ask her why not. She may believe that touching herself is shameful or dirty (in which case, proceed as with hang-up six). Also, buy her Sex Matters For Women – A Complete Guide To Taking Care of Your Sexual Self by Sally Foley, Sally Kope and Dennis Sugrue. She needs to educate herself about her body.
Reward It’s seriously hot to watch a woman turn herself on. Also, if she’s familiar with how her body climaxes through masturbation, she can do it while you penetrate her – double the fun for all. Special tip If she’s struggling to climax, suggest a different position. There are as many positions for masturbation as there are for sex. She could try lying face down and straddling something – a pillow, bunched-up blankets, your leg. Or perhaps she needs to think about using a vibrator.

Dirty
9 SHE WON’T TALK DIRTY
Struggling to name both her and your body parts makes it difficult to say what she wants or would like to do to you, says Delvin. Many people grow up with a limited sexual vocabulary comprising baby words (it’s probably true that calling your manhood a “willy” won’t drive you wild), school-playground expressions and proper medical terms. Strategy Ask her what she would like you to call her vagina. Give her some options, from cute to dirty. Tell her how you like to refer to your penis. Use the words during sex. For example, “I want to touch your...” or “Will you touch my...?” It’s important that you show no embarrassment. Through your example, she’ll lose some of her shyness. Reward Naming each other’s body parts can be sexually thrilling for both of you. Special tip Take it to new heights by bringing in power play. Make her submit by begging you to touch her there. Let her dominate by commanding that you lick her right there, right now – and make sure you lick her properly while you’re at it.

10 SHE’S SHY ABOUT HER HISTORYMen tend to overestimate the number of sex partners they’ve had, whereas women underestimate. “Men report two to four times as many lifetime opposite-sex partners as women,” claims a study in The Journal of Sex Research. One of the explanations for this phenomenon is that men inflate their sexual histories and women under-report. Alternative explanations claim that men and women use different estimation strategies. Either way, women may be reluctant to share their true sexual history with a new partner for fear of being thought of as loose or a slut. Strategy Make it clear that what happened before the two of you met is in the past and that you won’t judge her for past sexual exploits. Mean what you say. Reward She’s experienced; she knows how to make her body tick and yours explode. Just think about it: if you’re the boss of a company, would you rather employ someone who’s done the job before or a complete novice? Special tip Don’t constantly quiz her about previous lovers. If she’s with you, and your sex life is rocking, trust what you’re experiencing. A bit of sexual jealousy might add spice to your relationship but a bucket of the stuff will surely drown the two of you.

Better Laid Than Never

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