Unleash Her Lust

Use these win-win strategies to bring out the tigress in her.

Oral
Think of a continuum: to the one side are the Victorians, who used penis rings to stop young boys from masturbating, and on the other are the Bonobo chimps, who smooth social interactions by engaging in rampant sex. Where would you place your mate on this continuum – Victorian or Bonobo? If you’d like to unleash her inner beast then it’s time to figure out her hang-ups – and how to overcome them. Hopefully, the next time there’s a tussle over the last slice of pizza, she will resolve the conflict the Bonobo way.

1 SHE DOESN’T LIKE HER BODY“Tons of women have body-image issues,” says Dr Claire Rockliffe-Fidler, a psychosexual therapist in private practice in Cape Town. And the media is largely to blame. Check out any movie, magazine or newspaper: they’re dripping with drop-dead gorgeous women. We all know those pictures are the result of clever lighting, photo retouching and other tricks of the trade, but on a subliminal level many women feel they don’t match up. As a result, they feel inhibited to shed their clothes and abuse your body the way you like it. Strategy Make her feel good about herself so she’s able to relax into intimacy, says Rockliffe-Fidler. That’s not just about telling her she looks good. It’s also about showing her that you’re attracted to her (and not just during sex). Try a well-timed wolf whistle when she enters the room or maintain eye contact during a conversation while you smooth a strand of hair behind her ear. Reward If she’s comfortable in her skin, she won’t have to suck in her tummy when she’s on top or cringe when you do it doggie-style. Special tip If she’s too self-conscious naked, do it with some of her clothes on. It’s wildly sexy to push her skirt just high enough or fondle her breasts while she keeps her bra on.

2 SHE DOESN’T LIKE GIVING ORAL SEX
If she doesn’t enjoy giving you oral sex, it is possibly because she dislikes the look and taste of semen or is afraid that your penis will stimulate her gag reflex, explains Dr David Delvin, sex therapist and author of The Good Sex Guide. Strategy Pushing her head down during lovemaking isn’t going to solve the problem. Nor is making a big hoo-ha about the whole thing. Talk through any misconceptions she might have. Many women are unfamiliar with a man’s penis and its day-to-day rhythms; let her make friends with the big fella when he’s resting. Walk around naked or let her see you in the shower, not just when he wants to come out to play. Reward She won’t fall pregnant. Special tip If she does make the trip down under, make sure you reward her efforts with appreciative moans.

Big O
3 SHE WON’T ADMIT TO ANY FANTASIES
It may be easy for you to come up with a different fantasy for every day of the week, but she may be having more diffi culty stocking up her erotic library. Dr Andrew Stanway, clinician and author of The Joy of Sexual Fantasy, says that many people – especially women – experience guilt about their sexual fantasies. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have them; it just means that their imaginations sanitise and package them in a way that is more acceptable to them. So what do high-guilt women fantasise about? Being dominated by a man who finds them irresistible, explains Stanway. Their fantasies tend to involve faceless lovers and are generally less vivid than women whose sex-guilt levels are lower.
Strategy Let her read the sexual fantasies of other women. Try What Turns Us On by Iris and Steven Finz; Women On Top by Nancy Friday or Sex Fantasies By Women For Women by Lisa Sussman. Reward Fantasy is a great sex aid. Perhaps she imagines a good spanking or a threesome... whatever gets her going works towards her arousal during foreplay and
penetration, explains Stanway. Special tip Nancy Friday, the author of a variety of books on fantasy – both male and female – advises against asking her directly whether she has fantasies, as all you’re likely to hear is “I don’t know” or “no”. Rather make a more general comment, such as: “Apparently women tend to fantasise that the men they’re having sex with are faceless.” Then ask whether she agrees with this. You’ve now opened up a discussion.

4 SHE DOESN’T KNOW HER OWN BUTTONS
“I see couples in their thirties, many of whom have had sex with few other partners, in which the women know very little about their own responses and capacity for pleasure,” says New York sex therapist Joy Davidson, author of Fearless Sex, on www.msnbc.com. Strategy This is a time you definitely want to stop for directions. Ask her: “Does it turn you on if I do this? And now?” Let her tell you how her body is responding. That way, she’ll be forced to assess what it feels like for her. Reward Once she’s mapped her body’s hot spots, next time around she’ll reach her destination easier and even quicker.
Special tip Encourage her to use a vibrator, with or without you. She’s sure to climax and know what her body feels like at various arousal levels, including the Big O.

Touch
5 SHE DOESN’T LIKE RECEIVING ORAL SEX
“We all know the vagina isn’t exactly the most attractive body part, but it’s worth lying through your teeth. Even the most sexually secure woman gets paranoid sometimes about whether she looks, smells or tastes okay,” says Tracey Cox, author of The Sex Doctor. Many women feel inhibited about the appeal of their sex organs. Here’s one giveaway: how many women do you know with pet names for their vaginas? “Many women think they’re ugly and have never even looked at this part of their body,” says Rockliffe-Fidler. That’s the equivalent of not knowing what your penis looks like. Strategy Have a sexy bath or shower together before making out; now she knows she’s spotless all over. Light some scented candles in the bathroom, put on some music and score double points for being romantic. When you’re down there, tell her how exciting you find her vagina, advises Rockliffe-Fidler. Tell her that her natural scent drives you wild. Reward If you lived in Australia between 2001 and 2002, you may have been one of the approximately 19 000 people who were asked about their last sexual encounter during a national telephone survey. Of interest were your activities: vaginal, oral, anal and/or manual, and whether you had an orgasm. The findings were published in the Journal of Sex Research. The results? Among others, the researchers found that “women were more likely to reach orgasm in encounters including cunnilingus”. Science has never been sexier! Special tip Reinforce the allure of her sweet spot by showing her. “Lick your fingers with relish after touching her,” says Cox. “At the time, she may go, ‘yuck, that’s gross’, but secretly she’ll be pleased.” Come on, you’ll probably enjoy it too.


6 SHE’S TOO CONSERVATIVE
Who else is in the bed with her, causing her to clam up? Unfortunately, we’re not talking about her best friend or her sexy sister, but her parents. ’Fraid so. Her mom’s there
somewhere, and so is her dad. They’re in her head, but that doesn’t mean they’re not having a direct effect on her sexual pleasure. “We’re all products of the generation before, and your parents’ attitude to sex heavily influences what you’ll think about it,” says Cox. If her mother was more likely to spend the evenings knitting, what can you do to ensure the pattern’s not repeated? Strategy Find out what it was like for her growing up. Did family members walk around naked? Did she regard her parents as sexually active? Gently challenge some of her thoughts, especially those that involve a “should” or a “should not”. Ask her how she would like to raise her own children when it comes to sex education. Reciprocate with stories from your childhood. If her views seem to cause her distress and make her anxious, gently suggest that she talks to a therapist about them. Reward Exposing our vulnerabilities steps up emotional intimacy; emotional intimacy
paves the way for sensual lovemaking. Special tip If you’re both feeling close and loving, try these tips for romantic sex:
1. Maintain eye contact during the entire erotic encounter – it’s wildly intimate.
2. Give yourself oodles of time to slowly explore your lover’s body. Let her excitement bubble, not boil over.
3. Touch those parts of her that you don’t usually: her eyelids (tip: make sure her eyes are closed first), cheekbones, the contours of her lips, the base of her spine, behind her knees. Vary the pressure of your touch, from light trailing fingers or lips to much harder. This builds sexual tension.
4. If you’re giving her a sensual massage, keep one hand on her body at all times, this helps to keep the two of you constantly physically connected.

Senses
7 SHE WANTS THE LIGHTS OFFYou want to see it all, but she’s under the covers in a second, with the bedside lamp off in two. What’s a man to do? Strategy Delvin advises a gradual progression: from romantic candlelight to a sidelight with a coloured or normal bulb. If you’re making love during the day, use the same principle: slowly increase the amount of light in the room by fi rst keeping the curtains closed and then gradually opening them a crack. Understand that this inhibition is likely to stem from her insecurity about her body. Flatter her body shape and don’t ogle other women in her presence. Reward It’s a well-known fact that men are visually aroused – the shapely curve of her bottom, the gentle roundness of her breast... need we say more? Special tip If she’s willing to try a blindfold, the sensory deprivation may make her other senses more sensitive. Plus, she won’t be able to see the light – and the power play of being blindfolded may get her really hot.


8 SHE DOESN’T PLEASURE HERSELF
There are two groups of women: those who admit to masturbating and those who don’t (admit to it). Just kidding. There are indeed women who don’t know how to bring themselves off or, if they do know how, are reluctant to, especially if their partners are watching. Psychological Bulletin found that 92 percent of men are likely to masturbate, compared with a paltry 58 percent of women. Here’s what you should do to get her pleasuring herself, preferably in your company. Strategy If she’s shy to masturbate in front of you, tell her it’s one of your hottest fantasies and it would bring you much pleasure. Ask her if it would turn her on and help her feel less inhibited if you touched yourself at the same time – some women love to watch a man bringing himself off. If she’s never masturbated before – and this is highly unlikely – ask her why not. She may believe that touching herself is shameful or dirty (in which case, proceed as with hang-up six). Also, buy her Sex Matters For Women – A Complete Guide To Taking Care of Your Sexual Self by Sally Foley, Sally Kope and Dennis Sugrue. She needs to educate herself about her body.
Reward It’s seriously hot to watch a woman turn herself on. Also, if she’s familiar with how her body climaxes through masturbation, she can do it while you penetrate her – double the fun for all. Special tip If she’s struggling to climax, suggest a different position. There are as many positions for masturbation as there are for sex. She could try lying face down and straddling something – a pillow, bunched-up blankets, your leg. Or perhaps she needs to think about using a vibrator.

Dirty
9 SHE WON’T TALK DIRTY
Struggling to name both her and your body parts makes it difficult to say what she wants or would like to do to you, says Delvin. Many people grow up with a limited sexual vocabulary comprising baby words (it’s probably true that calling your manhood a “willy” won’t drive you wild), school-playground expressions and proper medical terms. Strategy Ask her what she would like you to call her vagina. Give her some options, from cute to dirty. Tell her how you like to refer to your penis. Use the words during sex. For example, “I want to touch your...” or “Will you touch my...?” It’s important that you show no embarrassment. Through your example, she’ll lose some of her shyness. Reward Naming each other’s body parts can be sexually thrilling for both of you. Special tip Take it to new heights by bringing in power play. Make her submit by begging you to touch her there. Let her dominate by commanding that you lick her right there, right now – and make sure you lick her properly while you’re at it.

10 SHE’S SHY ABOUT HER HISTORYMen tend to overestimate the number of sex partners they’ve had, whereas women underestimate. “Men report two to four times as many lifetime opposite-sex partners as women,” claims a study in The Journal of Sex Research. One of the explanations for this phenomenon is that men inflate their sexual histories and women under-report. Alternative explanations claim that men and women use different estimation strategies. Either way, women may be reluctant to share their true sexual history with a new partner for fear of being thought of as loose or a slut. Strategy Make it clear that what happened before the two of you met is in the past and that you won’t judge her for past sexual exploits. Mean what you say. Reward She’s experienced; she knows how to make her body tick and yours explode. Just think about it: if you’re the boss of a company, would you rather employ someone who’s done the job before or a complete novice? Special tip Don’t constantly quiz her about previous lovers. If she’s with you, and your sex life is rocking, trust what you’re experiencing. A bit of sexual jealousy might add spice to your relationship but a bucket of the stuff will surely drown the two of you.

Better Laid Than Never

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Three Steps to Satisfaction

Do your bit to make her fly

1. Play it safe
A woman is more likely to be orgasmic if she feels safe with herself and with you. So build emotional trust. Don’t bully her into doing things she’s not comfortable with, and use condoms and/or birth control if pregnancy or sexual health is a concern.

2. Try this trick
Use the following tantric ritual from Jonti Searll to create a space of intimacy and safety. Start by lighting candles, putting on soft music and sitting opposite each other. Look into one another’s eyes – it’s very important to maintain eye contact – and put your hands up, palms against palms, fingers touching. Softly, slowly, start to move your hands, as if they’re dancing. Touch your palms, fingers, knuckles, the back of your hands, the space between your fingers. Take your time. After about five minutes, let your partner lie down with her head in your lap. Gently stroke her face for five or 10 minutes. Then let her do the same for you. The point is to create a different space for a different experience. No pressure, no rush, no goal.

3. Enlist an expert
If there are deep psychological issues at play, like a history of sexual or emotional abuse, or perhaps poor body image, you could be out of your depth. Encourage your partner to work through it with a professional. Go with her if she wants you to, but let her take the lead. Don’t push, just be supportive.

Decode her digs

Investigate her home to decide if she's right for you.

1. Musical Instruments signal an intellectual, worldly and cultured woman.

2. Candles are more likely to appear in the homes of adventurous people.

3. Varying fabrics in pillows, couches and blankets reveal an affectionate and sensual woman.

4. Fast clocks can mean she's efficient or just highly strung. More than 10 minutes fast? Trouble.

5. International and celestial maps are more likely to hang in the homes of imaginative people.

1. IS SHE GOING TO BE CLINGY?

LOOK FOR PAIRS OF ANYTHING
Two nightstands, a bedside lamp on each side of the bed, pairs of candles... "If you see pairs - and lots of them - run for the door if you don't want a relationship," says sexologist and author Yvonne Fulbright. "Consciously or not, she's displaying the belief that creating balance in the bedroom invites love into your life." Look to escape.

2. WILL SHE BE HIGH MAINTENANCE?

LOOK AT HER PHOTOS
Check out her party snaps. If she's always front and centre, you've got a high-maintenance attention-seeker. "But if you see lots of photos of animals, she's channelling a maternal instinct," says New York psychologist Dr Gary Aumiller. Great if you have an Oedipal complex.

3. WILL SHE BE EASY TO TALK TO?

LOOK AT HER FURNITURE
A cluttered room suggests an open book, she'll spill her guts to you. "But a more private person will have backs of chairs facing doors, and confined traffic patterns," says design psychologist Dr Constance Forrest. Otherwise, use wine to get her to talk.

4. IS SHE GOING TO BE CONTROLLING?

LOOK AT HER BOOKSHELF
Are her books alphabetised by subject? By author? "A personalised Dewey Decimal system can mean neuroticism," says Aumiller. "But general orderliness indicates someone who's responsible." Cluttered shelves are a sign she's a free thinker. Or her cleaner's away.

Sexual training

Do some horizontal jogging this year, and you will be the happiest health addict around. Learn these five sexual exercises

1. Muscle up (and in)

Give your arm muscles a workout while giving her a workout with your love muscle. “Use your thighs to support the back of her legs and place a pillow under her hips. Place the back of her knees in the crook of your elbow, as if you were lifting barbells,” suggests psychologist and sex writer Dr Pam Spurr. By doing “curls” with your entire arm, not only will you see the results of all your hard work, but she’ll also feel internal G-spot stimulation. Besides the concentration of work on your arms, an added bonus will be that your thrusting will cause her breasts to move in wondrous ways. You can’t get that from a personal trainer called Steve.

2. Scrub-a dub-dub

Sensually scrubbing each other in the shower is a great way to boost circulation. This boosts your immune system, helping to ward off illness.

3. Sweeten the deal

Smother your woman in honey and combine the benefits of some sweet loving with the bone-boosting properties in the sticky stuff. Honey helps calcium stick to the bones. When Purdue University researchers in the US fed rats 800mg of honey a day, their calcium-absorption rates rose by 34 percent, so it could slow the bone erosion that comes with ageing.

4. Try, try, try again

You might think that getting action five nights a week would increase your risk of a stroke, but University of Bristol researchers have proven that the opposite is true. Not only are men who have sex at least twice a week less likely to have a stroke, but all that steamy exercise may also reduce your heart disease risk by up to a third.

5. All tied up

Add some kink factor to your bedroom skills. Tie your lady to the bed with silk scarves and watch the weight fall off. “If you’re doing twice the work, you’ll burn twice the kilojoules,” says Spurr. You and your partner burn 146kJ in 20 minutes while getting down and dirty. “But if she is a little tied up,” adds Spurr, “you’ll be exerting yourself twice as much.” It certainly beats doing press-ups in a gym.

Be her do-right man

A guide to common bedroom mistakes made by men. With, of course, gentle corrections.

You know how public pools post lists of unacceptable behaviour? Don’t run, don’t dive, don’t vomit a fillet steak and a bottle of Cabernet Franc into our brand-new filtration system. Be assured that this is the last time I will ever liken my vagina to a public pool, but I’ve always thought how great it would be to post something similar in my own bedroom. Look, we love that you love having sex with us, and we love having sex with you, too. But sometimes you do things that we don’t like. Weird things. Things that you think are going to make us groan with gratitude and pleasure but really make us want to roll over and turn on the TV. Luckily, these mistakes generally result not from lack of skill but from wrong information. You can easily unlearn them. Remember: I probably know what I like better than you do. And if I had a bedroom sign, this is how it might read.

DO NOT ASK, "WHAT DO YOU LIKE?"
the first time we have sex. It's our third date. Okay, so maybe it's only the second, or maybe we just met in an elevator. At any rate, we're making out. Pants are coming off, eyes are smouldering. You ask this question and, bam... the magic is gone. First, I am embarrassed.

I may have been ready to have sex, but not so up for talking about it! Second, I feel pressured to provide a provocative answer, something involving toys or systematic humiliation, but the only thing I can think of to say is, "Well, Steve, I suppose I like manual and oral stimulation followed by intercourse resulting in my eventual orgasm." Finally, I am annoyed. Are you trying to sound sexy, wild, open to anything? Because if you are, won't I eventually discover that?

DO...
ask questions later. Questions help an ongoing sexual relationship move forward. They slow a new one down.

DO NOT STICK YOUR TONGUE IN MY EAR
The innocent, unfortunate ear (a) is a semi-discreet spot, (b) is a hole and (c) has folds. For these reasons, it has been ill-defined as a major erogenous zone. This is one of the great misperceptions in the history of Western civilisation.

DO...
tread lightly. I'm not saying never go for the ear. Just not every time. When you do, the ear is to be kissed gently, maybe licked on the edges, or nibbled with restraint. Then you can leave it alone. It's an ear.

DO NOT TRY TO STUFF YOUR SEMI-HARD PENIS INSIDE MY VAGINA
I understand: you're hoping it will get harder once it's in. Or you're thinking that if you act like everything's fine, then everything will be fine. Or maybe you're treating your penis like a stubborn teenager - you're going to show him who's boss and send him to his room. The only thing more humiliating than stuffing a flaccid penis inside someone is being stuffed by a flaccid penis. In this one wretched act, we can feel all of your fear, desperation and insecurity, concentrated in the precise place where you want us to feel something else.

DO...
anything but this. Kiss. Watch The OC. Order a pizza. Unless it's a recurring problem requiring medical or psychiatric attention, it's not a big deal. Really.

DO NOT REACH FOR MY CLITORIS
if you are in a position that is unsuitable for such a connection. Like when I'm clearly enjoying whatever we're doing. Or, say, if you're in the lounge watching TV and I'm in the kitchen making brisket. Such persistence is not admirable; it's annoying. It's good that you know clitoral stimulation is important. Now you need to know that if it's not done right - the right angle and pressure, the right motion - then it doesn't feel good, and it may even hurt.

DO...
ask. It might help to take her hand and say, "Show me what you like here". Then you can follow the motion of her hand, or she can guide yours until you've fi gured it out. In certain positions, a woman just doesn't want stimulation there, or prefers to do it herself.

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS
Having sex with a guy who shaves his balls is like riding a horse with a saddle made of broken glass. If you are going to shave, you're going to have to do it regularly. Say, every half hour.

DO...
embrace your hairiness. Unless you come up with a dignified solution - and they are expensive - try to accept your body hair. You're a guy. Your great great- grandfather was a gorilla.

DO NOT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
about ejaculating too fast, losing your erection or not being able to get one. An occasionally temperamental penis is no cause for alarm - but a guy who freaks out about it is. (If you make a big deal about it, we'll start to think maybe it really is a big deal.) Conversely, it's also not a good idea to act as if nothing happened, because, well, that is just bull, and that never fl ies.

DO...
acknowledge it, then laugh it off. The guy who says, "Wow, I usually only last for fi ve seconds, so that was a record" or "Gee, I guess those amazing anti-erection pills I got online are working" - that's the kind of guy who makes us want to try again. Later.

Read Her Signs

Learning to speak her language will strengthen your bond

My wife Kathy and I are very much alike, except for one thing: she loves to talk. Me, I have conversations in my head, and sometimes I think I’ve told her something when it never left my lips. That occasionally causes a rift between us.

Marriage counsellor Dr Gary Chapman says not only am I not talking, but when I do I’m probably not speaking Kathy’s “love language”. “Couples often speak different emotional love languages... As different as Chinese is from English,” says Chapman, “and no matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.” Chapman went through 12 years of notes from his counselling sessions and identified five types of emotional languages: quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. They formed the basis for his book The Five Love Languages, which has sold 3.4-million copies. If you can figure out what type of expression of love makes your partner feel most loved, says Chapman, you can dramatically improve your relationship.

“One reason couples argue so much is that they don’t feel loved,” he says, “and that makes their differences seem so much bigger.” After Kathy and I completed Chapman’s quiz (take it at bestlife.co.za/lovequiz), it was obvious that her love language was quality time: talking and togetherness. Chapman suggested three tips to help me learn to speak it:

1 I should set aside 10 minutes every night to give Kathy my full attention, to talk, listen or just be together.

2 When I talk to her by phone at work, I need to turn away from my email. “A lot of men pride themselves on multitasking,” he says. (Guilty as charged.) “But women see right through that. You’re not paying attention.”

3 In conversation, I should repeat back to her the points she’s making so that she can realise I’m listening and make sure I’m comprehending her.

The results, Chapman promises, will be dramatic. “I had a guy say to me, ‘My wife’s language is acts of service. If I had known that taking out the garbage before she asked me to was sexy to her, I’d have communicated that love to her long ago.’” And think of how much he might have saved on jewellery.